this and that #1

so, i called the hospital to complain. they are in the process of making excuses and passing me from person to person. i don't expect anything to change. ever. but at least i said something.


on friday my eggie was ready to go, so we did the trigger shot again. though after that i have no idea when i actually ovulated. i expected two things: ovulation on saturday without the shot and major ovulation pain with the shot. i don't know if i ovulated saturday, i suspect so, but since i missed my alarm on sunday morning i will never know for sure. and i didn't get any ovulation pain that i remember, so if it was there it wasn't much. now, i've asked and the o-pain is not a phenomenon for everyone all the time. so it could just be this time that i didn't have it. who knows. at any rate it was another unsuccessful month.

beyond that i have nothing profound to say tonight, and the laundry is calling me.

ah, hospitals . . .

within the last few years LAMC has changed to a for-profit business. more specifically, it was bought by a private owner company. since then they have become money-grubbing.

in the last 2 months i've had several blood draws there trying to figure out the old fertility issues. they called today "as a courtesy" on a bill that i got in the mail saturday.

her: did you want to set up a payment schedule?
me: i haven't even had the bill in my hands 7 days and it is only $68.
her: but you have 3 accounts open right now.
me: so what? and don't ever call me as a courtesy again.

she made it sound like there was something WRONG. like i hadn't paid a bill from 6 months ago.

in addition to the waking-from-my-nap phone call they've done other things that piss me off.

1. they make you sign a million and one forms now and that is annoying just to have blood drawn. lately they've included asking you to sign a form stating that you know the dangers of smoking! can you say COVER YOUR ASS? the person at registration has to evaluate your mobility risk (you know slip/trip/fall likelyhood). are they really qualified to assess that?

2. you now have to tell everyone who so much as breathes on you why you are there. no kidding. you have to show your orders to the lady who takes your name so that you can sit and wait for someone at registration. all she needs to know is my name and the time i got there. not why i'm there.

well, there are at least a couple other places where i can get my blood drawn in town. i think the hospital will be losing my business.

have you been drinking?

new mexico is well known for having lots of drunk drivers that do devastating work, as it were.

tonight in los alamos, i was passed through my very first DWI checkpoint. it was dark. their lights were flashing (annoyingly bright). i rolled down my window.

they asked, "has anyone had anything to drink tonight?"
"no," my reply.
"okay, proceed on through behind this car ahead of you."

what?!? you are only going to stop me if i admit to it? what if i said, my passenger had been drinking. and what difference does it make if my passenger has been drinking? he isn't driving!

oh sure, i get it. he assessed my drinking status in my answer and my demeanor. if i had slurred my speech or looked intoxicated in any other way, he would have gladly pulled me over.

on the road again. we joke, "no officer we haven't been drinking, but our two-year-old put away a 5th not that long ago. it was the only way we could get him to be quiet for a little while."

where was the checkpoint? on the road by the catholic church which was, coincidentally, having a St. Patrick's Day Dance. my guess is they will get no one for DWI and will once again get cudoos for it!

The Story of Jesper

in January 2002--can it really be so long ago?--we decided to start our family. we had been married almost 7 years. we owned a house. jeff had a good job and prospects were good that he'd be able to get a permanent staff position. the time was right!

the original plan was to have one child. i wanted to give birth and nurse one child. any others, i was ok with adopting. oh, how young we were when we made this plan. we even had one name for each gender picked out. we were set, right? that's all we'd need.

April 2002 pee'd on a stick. got two lines. alright. baby under construction. started spoting a few days later. tried to "relax and rest" hoping that would change the outcome. no such luck. miscarried within a week of the positive test. was a bit down but nothing terrible. i guess it was because i didn't even really have time to get attached. i had called everyone and their dog to tell them, but really we were BARELY pregnant. so then we started trying again.

August 2002 pee'd on a stick. got two lines again but only after some spotting. got a little worried by the spotting. but got online and did some research. found out spotting on implantation is actually a good thing. didn't have that last time. so, alright. baby under construction again. had an average, i guess, pregnancy. had some BP issues (always seemed to be borderline high). no gest diabetes. had GBS, but wasn't particularly worried about it. very common thing. gained quite a bit of weight. swelled quite a bit, too. baby was moving. all was good.

chose a pair of midwives in santa fe. planning a homebirth. don't like the western med version of prenatal care or childbirth.

went for our 20 week ultrasound at more like 18 or 20 weeks. found out who the baby was. a boy. Jesper Thomas DeWitt Golden. Jepser was Jeff's choice, scandinavian name. Thomas was my choice, for my uncle and my best friend--love you bunches, tom! DeWitt as a middle name because i wanted that family connection. i like my maiden name, my child should have it, too. he would share his father's initials JTG with a little addition.

getting towards the end of the pregnancy. baby should be coming soon. 34 weeks he's still breech. hmmm. have to work on that. did everything. flashlight, music, talking, cold packs, "ironing board". tried it all. nothing was working. 35 weeks. got to get serious about it. laid in the 45° angle position until my butt fell asleep. that finally did the trick. i woke up at 5 am uncomfortable. after poking around the belly, i think he's flipped over. at our prenatal class that morning, i asked them to feel. they say, yes, feels like it. we'll order an ultrasound to make sure. ultrasound at about 36 weeks confirms he's finally head down. also confirmed that he was, indeed, a boy. and that he had some very big hands and feet. gonna be a bruiser.

Jesper was always quiet. if i was moving i couldn't tell if he was. he never rolled around. he always had his back to my left. couldn't ever really feel legs, feet, knees, arms, fists, or the like. just his head. had hiccups constantly. other than that a very quiet kid.

had normal prenatal appts from then on out. due date was good friday, April 18th. it came (along with my parents) and went. waiting, waiting, waiting. doing yard work. doing house work. walking. doing anything we could to start labor. common kiddo, mama's really not comfortable anymore, come out. now at 41 weeks. had a prenatal appt at home. checked his heartrate. 142 bpm. perfect. checked again for my parents, same. mentioned that he hadn't been moving much since the day before (weds). "don't worry. everything is ok. he's getting ready for labor. saving energy." told to get some herbs to help start labor. drive to santa fe, come back with herbs. yucky stuff. taking herbs. have some contrx but nothing major. and not very consistent.

waiting, waiting, waiting. sunday rolls around. i called my midwife. "herbs aren't working, labor isn't starting." don't worry labor will start when it starts. can't force it. "and i haven't felt him really move since wednesday." that's a problem. we want to do a non-stress test. how soon can you be here? "we can probably be there about 1 pm." no sooner? "not really."

now, i already knew something wasn't right. the day after my last prenatal appt (that would be friday), i could feel Jesper's knee. i couldn't ever feel his limbs. i pushed it. he didn't push back. he didn't readjust. he didn't move on his own. that was my first clue that something was wrong. but everyone kept saying "he's just getting ready for labor, don't worry. he's fine." by sunday, i really had a pretty good idea he was gone. and getting to santa fe faster wouldn't have changed a damn thing. i think i even said "if something is wrong, it is already wrong and getting there faster won't change that."

so off to santa fe we go. meet my midwives at their office. tried to find his heartbeat. couldn't find it. Sonja's hand was shaking so bad. i knew that she knew. but she said "the machine is really old and doesn't always work right. we'll go to the hospital to make sure everything is ok." i'm crying because i know what they are going to find. my dad keeps telling me it will be ok. that he's fine.

up we go to OB triage. emergency ultrasound. tech won't look at anyone or say anything. she leaves and the doctor comes in. Jesper is gone. there is no heartbeat. my mom and i were the only ones in the curtain who couldn't see the ultrasound screen. my mom is the only one who cried out. because i already knew. everyone else knew when they did the ultrasound.

Jesper was born at 11:27 pm on April 28, 2003. he weighed 8 lbs 7.4 oz and was 19.5 inches long. he did, indeed, have big hands and feet. he had quite a bit of light brown hair. he had my lips. beyond that features were hard to name because we weren't seeing him as he would have looked alive. but he was beautiful just the same. he was perfect.

to Santa Fe we go, to Santa Fe we go . . .

again, and again, and again.

it seems like we are running to santa fe every other day of the week and twice on sunday!

we are off to get another ultrasound today. little eggie, can you come out to play? we'd really like to get that sibling in the oven for nate. working on it. no success yet. but we are hopeful still. our window is definitely closing, though. must . . . keep . . . a . . . positive . . . outlook!

my name is . . .

yes, really, my name is Halo.

no, i'm not named after the game. yes, i am named after the shampoo, but only because my dad didn't like all the common 'H' names on the market.

and yes, really, my last name is Golden.

it is my married name. no, i did not search the campus directory for a guy with a last name i liked. i liked the guy, his last name happened to be golden. when we got married, i decided i couldn't NOT change my name. afterall, who could pass up Halo Golden? if he had been smith or jones or anything else, i probably would not have changed my name at all. i liked my maiden name. still do. it is a part of my kids' names.

so that's the story of my name. and all things flow from there . . .