this day

i can't believe it has been 5 long years since Jesper was in my belly.

yesterday was the last day he was alive. i spent the day sad for knowing what was coming for him.

today was the day he died. and i spent the day in absolute mourning for all of it. for knowing, in hind sight, that i let the window of opportunity go those long years ago. for knowing now, how naive and blind i was. and for the absolute loss we all feel, even Nate.

i still feel like a failure. i don't know that this one feeling is ever going to go away. and really, i guess, it shouldn't because it would mean i have stopped being his mother. and i don't want to live to see the day when i don't somehow feel responsible for him. the same goes for Nate and Willow.

there is a strange phenomenon this year. the dates and days of the week line up exactly again. the 25th, the date he died, is a friday which is the day he died. the 28th is again a monday. i have been wondering why this phenomenon seems to be having any effect whatsoever on how acutely i feel it this year. (something is definitely having an effect. i can't seem to contain the tears this year. though i am now 8 months pregnant, so i suppose it could be hormonal. but i know i'm not alone in feeling this intensity this year.)

i think i have figured out why. this year, there is no ambiguity. five years ago *yesterday* was the last day he was alive. five years ago *today* was the day he died. period. somehow when the date and the day of the week don't coincide, it doesn't feel the same. there is a measure of ambiguity in, "well, he died on a friday but the date was the 25th that year, and this year that friday is the 23rd." like my brain isn't sure which is more important the day or the date. so as i relive it this year (as i do every april), it is that much more concrete and present.

i find myself much more effected by the date of his death this year, too. i don't usually focus on when he died, so much as when he was born. i guess because that's the "official" day somehow. but the truth is i pretty much know when he died. his birthday has been a really sad day for us, and i have a very hard time "celebrating" it when Nate wants cake and candles. i think some part of me might be trying to separate the two. to mourn him on the day he died and reserve his birthday for whatever small celebration nate requires. and i think i'd like that. to be able to make his birthday a true celebration of his short life and what he brought to us instead of being sad from one end of april to the other. this year with the day and date lining up spot-on, it seems that much easier to do. i'm hoping to be able to have a bit of a repeat next year even without the day/date phenomenon in action. take the 25th as a day for mourning and keep the 28th as a day for celebrating.

unfortunately, it means that we will likely be doing the mourning nearly alone because the people around who do remember are expecting our grief on monday, not now. that's been the pattern in the past. but maybe that's okay, too. maybe it's okay for others to move on a bit and be allowed to celebrate his life with us instead of forever being asked to mourn his death.

(i will admit that the idea for separating the grief of his loss and the celebration of his life did not entirely come of my own head. i know a woman online who lost one of her twins. one was born still while the other lives and thrives today. they had to come up with some way of making their birthday a happy occasion, while still allowing themselves to mourn the loss of their son. so they celebrate on their birthday and mourn on the day of his funeral. i didn't think this would ever apply to me, but i see this year how it can and how it might actually be a good thing. so, thank you carolyn for your inspiration.)

the truth

i'll come clean and say that i am more nervous and scared about this pregnancy than i would otherwise like to admit. while i would like to say that i'm ok, and most of the time i do, i really am getting to the point of nervousness.

we start biophysical profiles on wednesday. i thought i might not need that reassurance this time, but i guess i do. i also need jeff there for me. so we are sending nate to play at a friend's house while we go to the appointments.

we also start seeing our back-up doctor this week. i'm slightly annoyed to be running to this appointment and that one, but i'm also relieved that we have so many chances to make sure things are going ok.

don't get me wrong. i'm not worried specifically about willow. i have no reason to be. she moves constantly and consistently. she has the hiccups, but only once or twice a day. she's even been head down the last few days.

so there you are. and here i am. nervous. a bit scared. but trying hard not to be. trying to stay sane and rational until she is born.

big boy underpants!!

that's right. nate finally made it to the goal of no accidents in two whole weeks. so now he sleeps in big boy underpants all night long.

of course there will be accidents for a while, still, and we know that. he had a poop accident the day after the goal, but we didn't count it against him because we were at a party and he was outside playing. he had already pooped that day, and he doesn't usually go more than once in any day, so we figured it was something that come up on him suddenly when he was otherwise occupied. no big deal.

he did have an accident on friday morning, too. and that night he did sleep in a pull-up. i did it not as punishment, but to give him a clear message. accidents happen, but the ultimate goal is to go on the potty all the time. laziness isn't an excuse for accidents.

but tonight we are back to underpants. he goes first thing in the morning. he goes great all day. i'll probably jinx myself, but i think we are in a good place right now.