too big

the couple that works the sushi counter at my local grocery store love to see willow. she is just too cute. they love to make her smile. today the lady working the deli counter came out to coo at her, too.

"oh, she's so cute. they are both so cute. i have a grandbaby who is 7 mos old. she reminds me so much of my grandbaby."

then the phrase no woman wants to hear--unless of course it is actually true. "oh, are you having another one?"

"um, no."

"oh, well what do you have under your jacket."

"just my boobs."

she was standing behind me looking over my shoulder at the kids, so i'm guessing she mistook my clown boobs for a baby belly. nevermind that the one sitting in the cart chewing on everything in site is only 6 mos old (a fact the lady actually asked about).

this in combination with what my doctor said at my appt on tuesday, "you aren't that big, but your boobs are really big." in a way that makes me feel better.

but in another way, i have to wonder, just how big do your breasts have to get before you are not only mistaken for a pregnant woman (with the boobs playing the part of a baby belly) but that your own doctor, who is supposed to tell you to lose weight, says the bulk of your body is your breasts. however big you have to be to hear those things, that's how big mine are.

clown boobs.
pornographically big.

random shots

nate and willow hanging out on the couch.


the alleged teeth. (sorry for the fuzzy picture.) she's downright vicious with them at this point.


oh, hi.


yes, as with most babies, she can fold herself nearly in half still. she can actually get her toes in her mouth, though she isn't in this pic. she does this mostly when she's au naturale since pesky diapers and clothes hinder this ability.


just cute.

6 months

willow is 6 months old now. at her well baby visit (the day after this picture), she weighed 19 lbs. so she's slowed down some, which is good. i'm sure she'll slow down a bit more when she actually starts moving around. so far she hasn't even bothered to roll over yet, but i'm not worried. she'll get there in her own time.

Halloween 2008

Nate as a bumble bee. (or as Bumblebee. if you are familiar with transformers, you will know who that is. Nate was actually teased at school for this costume. the Bumblebee comment was my comeback to it.)


Willow as a cheerleader. (Thanks Pam!)


Nate and Willow together at Trick or Treat on Mainstreet.

love/hate

nate has, for the longest time, had a love-hate relationship with his fan. yes, his ceiling fan.

when he was a baby, all we had to do to keep him from going down the hall was to put a fan in the hall. he wouldn't get anywhere near it. it was convenient; we didn't need to use a baby gate to keep him confined to the living room.

later, when he got his own room, we installed a ceiling fan with bright rainbow-colored fan blades. he loved it and was completely fascinated by it. but he's also scared of it. he will often refuse to go into his room by himself because of the fan. "it can see me."

the other night, in an i'm-so-tired-i-can't-cope-with-anything mood, he was expressing his fear of the rainbow fan. papa said, "if it attacks you. i'll shoot it, and throw it in the garbage." to which nate said, "don't shoot the fan!"

i've never known another child to be so scared of something that is securely attached to the ceiling. but then nate is an odd duck at times. i think it is cute, and i know that the days of him being afraid of something we take for granted are numbered. so i cherish his little quirks (and blog about them here).

happy, happy, happy

happy thanksgiving to one and all.

speaks like an adult

ok, maybe a little adult. in the car last night, nate says:

speaking of school, apparently i have a field trip to the library on the city bus on monday.


cracks me up. laughing. tears. nearly wet myself. but i was driving so i had to maintain some control.
hahahahahahahaha!

Call your Senator. Call your Representative.

Call to suppo​rt HR 5979 "​Still​birth​ Aware​ness and Preve​ntion​ Act of 2008.​"
http://www.govtrack.us/congress/billtext.xpd?bill=h110-5979


Call to suppo​rt S 3142 "​Preve​nting​ Still​birth​ and SUID Act of 2008.​"
http://www.govtrack.us/congress/billtext.xpd?bill=s110-3142


These​ are the natio​nal effor​ts to stand​ardiz​e the defin​ition​ of still​birth​ and repor​ting and data colle​ction​.​ To incre​ase aware​ness and educa​tion.​ And to incre​ase resea​rch fundi​ng.​

These​ bills​ need to be passe​d.​ They are long overd​ue.​ Pleas​e help.​

(apparently, the link function on blogger still doesn't work for me. secretly, i think blogger hates me. so you will have to copy and paste these urls instead of actually clicking on the link. sorry.)

it does not rain, but it pours

actually, it is more like the sky simply unzips and dumps all over me. is it raining here? NO! i'm just crazy bus, again.

work that i have been working on is now pushed out for work that they need by monday. (yeah, that call came today.) but i still have to get the other work done soon, as well as, another project that is due soon. but work is good.

i finally have a draft of the legislation to look over. and it looks like i need to have a conversation or two with the drafter.

i have two meetings in albuquerque tomorrow. the first of which has me up by 6:30 and out the door by 7:30. i'm such a morning person, too!

jeff "gets" to spend the day in class with nate tomorrow, which means i had to come up with a yummy and interesting snack for tomorrow. (zucchini sticks, raisin bread and cream cheese sandwiches, and milk.)

and i still have piles of laundry to either do or put away. not to mention, my house is still a serious disaster area. and we have to start getting "winterized" around here soon.

but i did get the bills paid today! so now they won't shut the power off, reposes our car, or foreclose on our house.

so there you go. don't you wish you were me?

is it raining or pouring where you are?

perfect

since willow's birth, i get this comment a lot:

oh, one of each. the perfect/complete family. how nice.

usually my response is something along the lines of . . . thank you. but what i'm really thinking is . . . complete? not ever. and perfect? not nearly. but, yes, we are done having children.

the thing that gets me is the people who say it. strangers, yes, but also people who know about jesper. people who know that my life, my family, my world is and always will be incomplete without him.

even if i disregard the death of one of my children, what if **i** don't feel like my family is complete? what if i want a dozen children? who are these people to imply (yes, that's what they are doing) that i'm done having children just because i have a boy and a girl now?

sorry, just a rant. i guess what i'm saying is this, stop implying that two kids--one boy and one girl--is somehow the perfect family. nobody can know what is in the heart, mind, or soul of another. admire my children, sure. i love them, too. they are cute and beautiful and look like gerber babies. but leave it at that, please.

tooth #2

willow's second tooth arrived exactly one week after the first (and on election night at that). hopefully, we can all get some better sleep now. at least until the next set of teeth start pushing through. oh, wait, they pretty much already are.

election day

we voted today. i waited for tuesday because i wanted nate to be a part of ELECTION DAY. and he was. he wore his "Vote Now" t-shirt (from old navy) and even got a sticker. he also got a lesson from mama about announcing what my ballot says for everyone to hear. (thanks nate, i'm sure all those other voters cared a great deal about my votes. now, shut up about it.)

later he said we should make a sign with all of our names and who we voted for. he voted for obama. and he said baby willow did, too. i voted for obama for sure. but since it wasn't my vote, i'll keep jeff's choice private.

nate was very interested in seeing the map and which states turned red or blue. he didn't want to go to bed until it was over. we assured him that the decision would definitely be made by morning. so off to bed with him.

it was exciting to see the election through his eyes this year. he has no idea what the issues were or even who the candidates really were. i have no idea why he chose obama other than because i chose obama. but he was so very excited about it all. he loved to spout the latest political ads and was quick to call them all "stupid" in turn based upon those ads.

but i, for one, am completely happy that this election is over and done with. the 10 political calls a day can end now, thank you very much.

ugh!

i forgot how much of a pain in the butt it is to get a new computer! i'm frustrated and irritated and blahhhhhhh.

don't get me wrong, i like my new computer. i'm just irritated that things aren't where i put them, that i have to re-install all of my software, remember all of my passwords, and get used to the "newest and greatest" versions of some programs. (iphoto . . . their "upgrades" suck when you are importing from an older version. they might be great to start out with, but they suck when you've already got a library established. i'm having to reorganize, find actual originals, and figure things out . . . again.)

yuck.

and to top it off, i have actual work to do and don't have oodles of time to get everything situated right now.

on the other hand, it is giving me the chance to upgrade some of my older programs that i've been neglecting.

but still, more work than it really should be.

heeheeheehee

guess what i got today?? a new mac! my last new mac was 5 years ago, so i'm giddy with excitement. just opening the box was fun! heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee

so, for those of you who are also mac geeks, it is a 15-in macbook pro, 250 gb hard drive, 2.5 ghz processor. it has a webcam, which i'm really excited to get to use. i got the previous generation (no, not the new one. sorry, i'm not quite that much of a mac geek. the new generation made it possible for me to afford today's purchase a little bit easier.) so my old powerbook G4 is becoming jeff's (and nate's) computer.

we also got a 120 gb ipod classic. i have a little nano that i have had for a couple of years now. but it really only has enough space for my favorite music. the new one will be able to hold my music and jeff's music so that we can take it on our travels as opposed to a million cd's.

we've been saving up for these for a while. thanks to the gov't rebate earlier this year and the work i've been getting pretty regularly, we've now done our part to stimulate the economy.

5 months

5 months and growing . . .



this has been a month of some big firsts for little miss willow.

she sits up!



she had her first interactive playground experience.

swing!


slide! (with some help from mama)


and a few more firsts . . .

her first tooth (only one so far . . . the other is fast on its root, though) on october 28--nearly two weeks later than nate's first two teeth which came on the same day. also unlike nate, she won't let me get a picture of it. her tongue is always in the way! darn it!

her first taste of "solid" food . . . a bit of nate's yogurt on her lip. really just a taste. no fun faces were made, sorry. and she didn't seem particularly excited about it, either. but, we all know more food adventures are to come soon enough.

i'm brilliant!

ok, maybe not brilliant, but at the very least inspired. see this very unassuming door?



this is christmas central in the golden house. (note the christmas paper.) at some point this may actually be the site of our cmas tree. you can even see our stocking hooks (five of them in a little row there) from last year.

but for now, we are making a cmas list for santa. nate is old enough to want to make a cmas list but not quite adept enough with a pen to actually write a whole list. nate also LOVES, LOVES, LOVES toy catalogs. so here's my plan, arm nate with his toy catalogs, a pair of scissors, and some tape. let him make a visual cmas list. he can cut pictures out of his toy catalogs and tape them up on the cmas paper. i think it will be fun. obviously, we are working on the "just because it is on your list doesn't necessarily mean you will get it" concept, but i also know that is a lesson that will take *years* to learn.

am i a cool mom, or what?

farewell

our good friends, Lisa, Dave, and Dyson, recently moved to Pittsburgh, PA. (ok, Dave isn't in the picture.) we will miss you terribly, but we are very excited for you and hope to hear good things very soon.

visitors

earlier this fall we had a pair of very cute visitors in our yard. they must have been twins because there was only one doe with them (on the other side of the fence you see) and they were the same size. one of them still had spots (you can just barely see them) and the other one didn't, which i thought was interesting. they danced around the fence for a while, trying to decide how/where to jump over. then BOING they were over.

p.s. normally, i consider deer to be ROUS's (rodents of unusual size) because they eat everything in my yard that i care about. but these two were pretty cute.

episode 233

i am a huge fan of ER. been watching it for many years now. i'm sad that this is the last season.

this morning was THAT episode of ER (in re-runs). Wines and Misdemeanors. the episode where John Carter and his girlfriend Kem, who are expecting a little boy, are told that the baby has died in utero. stillborn.

this episode came almost exactly a year after my own still born son. it was very difficult to watch. but good in some sense, too. the portrayal was very close to my own. and it was great to see someone, anyone, show it with that much reality. not just glossing over it saying "oh, what a tragedy." they got into the emotions of it, too.

it still makes me cry . . . watching my life play out on tv. but i can say that with time, the intense pain of this experience is fading a very tiny bit.

and on a similar note of re-runs, we are expecting our version of the MISSing Angels Bill to get into legislative committee next month. all in preparation to get it into the regular 2009 session and get it passed, again. if my governor doesn't sign it this time, i'm personally going to kick his hispanic ass all the way to DC just to get him out of the state. so don't be surprised to hear more about it in the coming months and to be called to action early next year.

blue

i've been feeling like absolute crap lately. (and i am borrowing my grandmother's favorite swear word as a very mild stand-in for the word that runs through my own head.)

feeling blue. missing jesper terribly.

feeling isolated and lonely, despite getting out of the house nearly every day of the week. too many friends have moved away and now i feel like i'm nearly back to square one in having someone, anyone, i relate to on a close level.

my self-esteem is in the toilet. i'm gaining weight, STILL. not getting enough exercise (ok, not getting any exercise). eating too much and not much of it any good. as a sign that my self-esteem is low, i have stubbed my toes and feet on every piece of furniture in my house. and yesterday i sliced my thumb wide open on a broken glass.

feeling overwhelmed by my disaster of a house. being unable to get on top of the mess that we live in.

feeling overwhelmed and dogged by the emotional baggage left over from willow's birth. and unable to find two spare seconds to deal with it.

i know this is what all parents have to do, but i hate having to choose between my children's emotional health and my own. not to mention the choice between exercise and sleep. (or most things and sleep.) i lose every time. and so does the exercise. (how can i have the energy to exercise if i don't get enough sleep?)

yes, i know that taking care of myself lets me take better care of my children, but there are only 24 hours in the day. on top of beating myself up on my furniture and dishes, we all had a terrible day yesterday. screaming and crying for hours--all of us. but most of the people in the house went to bed early last night (i tried, but couldn't sleep, so i got up and worked on a project online), and at least a couple of us have had a better day today.

so i'm determined to change things. i've started taking my thyroid meds again. (i had taken a break to see if they were really "necessary," and with the weight gain and depression i think they are.) i've started keeping a food diary. i may not eat the absolute best all the time, but the food diary not only holds me accountable but also shows me progress which is a reward in itself. i've started walking more, too. i can't run and i'm no good at swimming, so walking is my exercise. when the construction between my house and nate's school is done (any . . . day . . . now), i am going to start walking him to or from school. and i'm going to dig out some workout videos, too. i don't have to leave my house to get some exercise in, i just have to find the energy and motivation.

and i'm determined to get my house in order. jeff has been helping with the dishes a lot more, and that helps greatly. i'm still doing laundry from our trip, but when that's done i can usually keep on top of it pretty well. i just need to get the rest of the place cleaned up and put in place. my house will never be perfect but when i feel overwhelmed by the mess, it only makes me more depressed and irritable.

one little step at a time. i'm hoping with every little step the rest of the crap will fall away (and maybe some lbs in the process).

swim classes

last month, we enrolled nate in swim classes. 6 classes, 3 weeks. after a summer at the pool, i want to keep him "in the mood" until next summer. and hopefully, he'll get better at swimming before then!




his teacher was great. and he LOVED it. he's always been a bit of a water baby, but now he's advanced. he was sticking his face in the water, blowing bubbles, and even going completely underwater holding his breath for a bit.

we **probably** won't put him in another class until after the holidays. and then again in the late spring just before the pools open for the summer. he'd go every day if he could, but i can't do that for many reasons.

the hair . . . revisited

so maybe you read it and maybe you didn't. long ago, at the beginning of my blog, i posted about THE HAIR. it is nate's lovely. so here is chapter two of "the hair."

for months now we haven't had the hair around. nate kept losing it in his bed, behind his bed, under his bed, in the couch, in his toys, you name it. he'd get upset because it was gone. we'd get upset because it was never so important as right at bedtime. oh, the joy of looking for something AT bedtime. we started refusing to look for it at bedtime. so he got used to sleeping without it. then the next time i found it, i put it in his dresser drawer. not hidden from him, just out of sight.

recently, we've been going through the transition of several friends moving, new classroom of friends, new baby in the house, new stuff all around. so the other night, after a friend's birthday party (a friend who has now moved across the country) nate was giving me a hug at bedtime, and he started playing with my braid. out of the blue asked, "mama, where's my hair?" we all knew what he was asking for. so i told him it was in his dresser drawer. he asked if he could have it, and we said yes, but that it had to stay in his bed.

it does not consume his bedtime desires like it once did, but it is still a source of comfort in trying and changing times for him. and that makes me happy. i'm glad we still have it. that it wasn't lost for good at any point. and that it still gives him the comfort he needs.





i will say it again, i don't care if he has it until he's 50 or more. if that little bit of me is all it takes to help my boy feel safe, who has the right to take that away from him?

4 months

can it be? she's 4 months old already? i guess so.

at her 4 mo well baby check-up she was 17 lbs 11 oz. yes, she nearly doubled her birth weight in a mere 4 months.

some of her latest tricks are a weird tongue-involved noise she makes. sounds rather like she's gonna hurl, but she thinks it's cool. she also does the fake cough for attention. and she's started making another noise that sounds like she's sucking in air loudly. yes, she's a master at noises.

she also likes to laugh. nate can make her laugh doing absolutely nothing! other mere mortals (like mama and papa) must work at it a bit. her giggle always makes me laugh, too.

she's working very hard on sitting up but couldn't care less about rolling over.

and she's teething in a major way. i expect teeth to pop through any day. but as any mother of a teething baby can tell you, it could happen tomorrow or it could happen in a week or in a month. i know they are coming and that they are close, but i can't predict when the first pearly whites will finally poke through her gums.


she's still as cute as ever!

4 years and a party

nate's birthday party was a bit delayed this year because his actual birthday was on labor day weekend and so many people were going to be out of town. so we held it the following weekend in the park. the weather cooperated, which wasn't the case on labor day weekend. it was a bit too breezy for candles, though. so much for my plan to give each kid their own candle to blow out! nate didn't even get to blow his own out because i couldn't get them lit.

for the record, it was a MONSTER JAM themed party.


for the life of me, i can't remember why he was crying. but i think it started with the singing. and if you know nate, you know that tears go hand-in-hand with singing--they always have and i still don't know why.


Gravedigger pinata.

golden math lesson #2

+ 2 - 1 + 2400

that would be, two children, one parent (me), and an airplane trip to see my parents (2400 miles round trip).

i've lost track of the number of times nate has flown at this point in his life. but this was willow's very first plane trip. and my first with two kids.

all in all, it wasn't too bad. nate is old enough to handle himself pretty well in the airport. he's getting better about listening when he really needs to. willow slept a bit on each part of the trip. nate and willow both slept on the way up out of salt lake. we had a late flight up (left at 5 pm and arrived in spokane at 10 pm), so they were inclined to sleep anyway. the trip back wasn't as late but was still bearable.

this is not something i want to do every day, but now i know it can be done. (so i don't want to hear any more whining about "i can't fly with two kids by myself." yes, you can! if i can do it, you can do it. no more excuses.)

i find two things unfortunate . . . first, i forgot to take a picture of willow on her first plane trip . . . bummer . . . and second because nate will be in school next fall, willow will not get the opportunity to fly or see my parents as much as nate has gotten to in his 4 years. i guess that's the way of the younger child.

new ride

a couple of months ago both nate and i got new rides. his is actually inside mine (you can't see mine very well in this picture). since willow will soon be in the britax, nate got a graco nautilus. he really loves the cup holder and the cubby holes!

and my new ride is a 2004 toyota land cruiser. bigger than the saturn vue. used. hopefully we won't need a new car for a good long while. especially considering the fact that it took us 5 hours in the toyota dealership to accomplish the new vehicle thing. yuck. but we're pretty happy with the new wheels.


and you can even see willow in her seat, too.

backblog

i'm so far behind on posting! so you will be seeing quite a few posts that really should have a date prior to today. sorry. happy reading.

still?

nearly 4 months have passed since willow was born and i still haven't been able to process all of the emotional baggage that came with her delivery. tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks. i cried most of the drive home from albuquerque tonight. it still feels so fresh.

combined with that is the absolute disbelief that my tiny little baby is no longer so tiny. i miss it already, and it makes me very sad. i love her as she is, but i miss that soft little squishy ball of baby that came home with me. not that i didn't treasure every moment i could, but i want to go back and spend all of my waking moments (and even a healthy portion of the ones when i should have been sleeping) snuggling and gazing and loving and memorizing that little body and face.

as part of my healing process i will be writing letters to those with whom i have bones to pick. getting it out so that it doesn't eat me alive. i just need to find the time somewhere in my day for me.

golden math

+ 2 – 1

we are testing the new golden math right now. jeff left for a business trip yesterday. our first our-of-town-overnight trip since willow was born. he comes back friday.

we will pass this test if jeff finds a sane wife and two living children at home waiting for him.

so far, so good. we kept pretty busy yesterday . . . school, lunch date, play date, swimming, early bedtime for both kids. today we have a playdate and possibly a trip to albuquerque this evening. tomorrow we have school again. then papa comes home.

actually, it is a bit more mellow here without papa. but don't tell him that because we love him and rely on him greatly and we don't know what we would do without him.

too much

this morning nate says . . .

mama, Martin H****** needs to stop making higher taxes!

he was pretty mad about it, too. lots of feeling there. more than i have, for sure.

so is it too much TV? or simply too many political ads? they feed right into my 4yo's budding sense of right and wrong.

context

ahhhh, politics.

recently, Fernando C' de Baca, a republican party chair in one NM county, was interviewed by the BBC. in at least one interview (there apparently was a second interview in which he said basically the same thing), he said:

"The truth is that Hispanics came here as conquerors," he said. "African-Americans came here as slaves.
"Hispanics consider themselves above blacks. They won't vote for a black president."

ooook. take that as you will.

here's the thing . . . in an interview specifically about his comments, he said, "that was taken out of context." (naturally, "out of context" is a person's way of saying, "you are twisting my words for your own purposes.")

really? is there a context where that wouldn't make him sound like an ignorant racist? i can't thing of one.

think pink

anyone seen the recent Sweet & Low commercial with regis philbin?

"if i wanted my coffee to taste like sugar, i'd use sugar. . . . i want my coffee to taste like this . . . S&L . . . i want it to have that extra pop of sweetness, that extra zing of flavor. to me . . . S&L tastes better than sugar."

yeah, that "extra zing of flavor" is called an AFTERTASTE!

seriously? are we selling a chemical aftertaste as a **feature** now?

dreaming of you

these days i'm so exhausted that when i finally crawl into bed i fall asleep almost instantly, and though i'm sure i dream, i have no recollection of my dreams.

so imagine my surprise to actually remember a dream this morning. i was even more surprised to remember that i was having a dream about a high school classmate of mine. i have no idea what the dream was about. i only remember waking up with him on my mind.

we certainly knew each other. in a class of 58 it is hard to say you don't know someone. but i would go so far as to say we were friends. so i find it a bit weird that he would show up in my dream out of the blue.

anyway, where ever you are, E, i hope you are doing well.

22 months

that's how long it took me to notice that AOL has been charging me for an account i do not actually have. 22 months. i feel like a total idiot.

every time i saw the charge on my credit card i mistakenly thought it was for something that i had legitimately signed up for. the charge shows up as TWX*AOL. since i have never had an AOL account (and never would have --i HATE AOL and always have) i just thought it was something else. it is not uncommon at all to charge at one place only to have the name of the charge show up as something else altogether. parent companies, acronyms, and such.

so tonight in our dissecting of the bill we noticed it and could not for the life of us figure out what that $21.95 charge was for. spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out what it could be. this? no. that? no. the other? no. what the hell? so jeff called the number that was listed on the bill. sure enough . . . AOL. now we've progressed to "what the f***k?"

they are sending me some paperwork to fill out in order to get a refund. nearly $500 over the last two years. see, i'm an idiot for not catching it sooner. but it wasn't like i was expecting it, either.

also called the credit card company to report the fraud. at first, they told me they'd have to shut down the card number and send us new ones. which brings up an interesting point, WE JUST GOT NEW CARD NUMBERS! the charge shows up on the old number and somehow transfered to the new card number without any input from me. the woman on the phone said, "some recurring charges just transfer over." really? because when the new cards came i actually had to change all of my other accounts to reflect the new card number or the charges would have been bounced. so how does that work exactly? "oh, i should say, AOL charges do that." um yeah. i'm thinking maybe that's a problem. especially considering the fraud that AOL is pulling on people. oh, i'm not alone.

in my efforts to find out what the charge was i put "twx aol service" into google. guess what came up first in the list? "TWX*AOL fraud charges." whoops! i guess it's a chronic issue over there at AOL.

so here's my warning: beware the AOL! and if you see a charge on your card that looks funky (mind you i didn't think it was funky all those months) check into it.

(i'm beginning to think that comcast is the one who signed us up for an account. the charges start appearing about the same time as our cable modem. will have to look into that . . . . )

and on that subject . . .

so i have this issue on the topic of "getting rid of baby stuff." it is an issue not many share. unfortunately, i know more than my fair share of those that do.

i have the snow suit we bought for jesper. nate wore it once. willow will, in theory, be able to wear it this winter. i can't decide whether i should keep it for her or send it to my nephew. it is fairly "boyish"--blue and green with a bear on it--but not overly so. the problem is not so much whether it is boyish or not, the problem is who i bought it for. i have what some would consider an overly emotional attachment to the things i bought for him. i have managed to part with most of the things that were his. there are a few things i am keeping. things that nate wore, things that willow wore. i have passed on the other things to special people in my life. usually i tell them that they are getting something that was jesper's so that they know what it means to me that they are getting it in the first place.

it is hard to part with things. but hard to convince myself to keep them, too. they are just clothes. they are meant to be worn. keeping them doesn't bring him back. and it isn't as if i'm not keeping anything. i am keeping plenty. but it is still so hard to part with all the little bits.

soon enough this problem will be put to sleep. willow will no longer be in the size range of things we had bought for jesper. after all, we didn't buy things beyond about 9 mos. but for now, it is an issue that tears me up.

funny that something so seemingly inconsequential can have such an impact.

how do you . . .

get things out of your house? when you are done with them and they are just taking up space?

i have oodles of baby stuff. who doesn't, right? i'm sending some clothes to my brother for his new baby boy. i'm sending some to a friend in oregon who just had a little girl. some is going to a couple of friends here in NM who are having their own little boys and girls.

i also have oodles of kid stuff. again, who doesn't? i'd love to sell some of nate's old clothes at the LFP Resale, but i'm going to be gone that weekend! argh! and, no, a yardsale is not in my future. (sorry, lisa!) i'd keep it for my nephew, but we are talking 3 years of keeping!

so how do *you* get rid of the stuff you don't want or need anymore?

Ditch the Disposables

so i'm doing this challenge. (thanks, chelle!) trying to reduce the amount of disposable items we use around here.

http://crunchydomesticgoddess.com/2008/08/31/ditch-the-disposables-challenge-sept-thru-oct-2008/

things i already do:
* cloth diapers (or biodegradable diapers when not cloth)
* washcloths instead of baby wipes (though we also use disposable baby wipes quite a bit--they are so dang useful and handy!!)
* sealable glass jars instead of plastic bags (though we use a fair amount of bags, too, because it is just too dry around here)
* cloth towels/sponges instead of paper towels (i know technicaly sponges are disposable, but i put them in the dishwasher and they stay around my kitchen FOREVER, so they are really not more disposable than a cloth washrag in my house)
* reusable beverage containers (when i remember to take them with me!)
* cloth bags instead of grocery store bags (when i remember to put them in the car!)


things i'm trying to change:
* paper plates to my own dishes
* flannel cloths instead of puffs tissues
* paper napkins to cloth napkins (this will require the addition of some cloth napkins to my small collection. i might even try making my own if i can find a fabric i like.)


things i'm not trying but think are great ideas:
* cloth diapers instead of swiffer pads (i'll probably do this when i'm done using the diapers for their intended purpose)
* disposable feminine products (though i don't need these items at this point, even when i do i'm not sure i have the confidence in the cups and i *hate* pads.)
* toilet paper to cloth wipes/washcloths (since i already launder diapers i don't know that this would be too much of a stretch, but i don't know that i'm up for it either.)

but i'm also, as i mentioned last night, looking into replacing my trash bags. and trying to be more conscious of the things i buy and their packaging. things like buying cereal that comes in only a bag . . . no box . . . less waste. and various other areas of our daily lives.

anyway, this should be interesting and possibly challenging. i don't know if i'll be able to get the guys in the house to join me or not, but we'll try. and maybe you'll join me!

what cost?

i'm looking into and mulling over the option of using biodegradable trash bags for my house. i already use biodegradable (compostable, in fact) diapers on occasion, but what good is that really if i'm throwing them into a non-biodegradable trash bag, right? i know!

there are a couple of different brands i'm looking at one is Go Green bags and the other is BioBags. both are biodegradable. BioBags are actually compostable. Go Green bags last 1-2 years in the landfill. Bio Bags are more like 30-60 days "under the right conditions." there might be some debate as to whether Go Green bags are truly "biodegradable" (as in break down leaving nothing of consequence behind) but i'm willing to do more research before jumping into this idea with my pocketbook. i mean, if i'm really doing it for the impact it will have, i want it to be the right impact. for instance, 7th generation stuff is all warm and fuzzy because they use recycled materials and no bleach in their diapers and whatnot. but here's the thing, a plastic trash bag made from recycled plastic bags **without the added component of BIODEGRADABILITY** is still just a plastic trash bag. recycled is good, but if we can go with biodegradable why settle for simply recycled?

here the rub, BioBags are far more expensive than my current no-frills Glad bags. i compared prices at drugstore.com, which is a bit overpriced to begin with, but it is better to find all of them at one place for comparison purposes. Glad bags are like $0.11 each. BioBags are $0.51 each. and Go Green bags are like $0.37 each.

so here's my question . . . is the cost really worth it? would you do it if you were in an "enviromental impact" frame of mind?

i know it would be so much easier to just use the same old plastic trash bags i've been using that are cheap with no further thought. but it really bothers me that i'm filling the land with crap that is going to be here loooooong after i'm dead and gone.

and can someone explain to me why the things that are better for the environment have to be "luxury items"? why do i have to spend a fortune doing what's right? why can't the good bags be $0.11 each, too? let's be honest, if our household income was lower than it is i would probably not even consider this idea because it would just be too much.

so tell me your thoughts . . .

women's suffrage

ok, normally i don't like to talk politics with anyone but my husband. in a social setting i think it is one of the taboo topics. quietly, i am leaning towards obama. i might get more vocal about that as time goes passes. that being said, i have to ask this question:

who are these women who would vote for sarah palin simply because she is a woman?

more specifically, who are these women, or for that matter people in general, who would vote for a party, a ticket, an agenda simply because they want to vote for a woman? what about voting for the candidate team who stands more closely for what you actually believe in, what you want for yourself, what you want for your country?

sarah palin does not stand for what i believe in nor does the republican party, with a few exceptions. i can't say the democratic party stands for my beliefs completely either, but it is at least a little bit closer. i would gladly vote libertarian, but i think their candidate is slimy this time around. i don't trust him.

see, i do pay attention to past voting patterns and past statements. i find it interesting that most candidates will come around to the party line the more prominent their campaign gets. but when that happens, i have a difficult time trusting them. if they vote pro-life and spout pro-life statements, i don't think they suddenly believe pro-choice. i have no problem with someone who can say, "i'm pro-life. but for the benefit and safety of the country i don't believe abortion should be made illegal." that's honest from day one. and i would expect that politician's voting record to reflect that very statement.

palin was chosen to appeal to the more right-wing, conservative republicans. which puts her that much further away from my beliefs. so am i going to vote for her simply because i feel voting for mccain is voting for a woman? not on your pro-life.

love-hate

my scale said *holy crap* 213 this morning.

naturally, i'm not in the least bit in love with that number. hate it, in fact. hate it even more that i am gaining weight again. don't believe it when someone says "you always lose weight while breastfeeding." it has never worked as a weight loss tool for me. i find myself STARVING (as in stomach growling, blood sugar crashing, hands shaking hungry) constantly. that's definitely the whole "feeding two people" phenomenon. the bad part is that now i actually weigh more than i did 2 months ago. i lost most of my baby weight (all but about 5 lbs of it), and now i'm watching the scale go back up.

where's the love? i am trying to love myself as i am. that is not to say that i don't need to get up and get my ass moving. but it does mean that in my days of nate and willow chaos, i refuse to beat myself up over the extra weight. heck i can't even manage to shower, shave my legs, and brush my teeth all on the same day. much less keep up with laundry, dishes, toys, and housework all at once. so the chances of me getting out the door to exercise much less have the energy for it are nil.

so i guess i'm giving myself a bit of a break here. not letting myself off the hook as far as watching what i eat (no more haagen daz!), but certainly not pulling out my hair (which is already falling out in handfuls) over a few pounds gained. i'm hopeful that in the next couple of months, as willow gets a bit older and less mama intensive, i can get a leg up not only on my house but myself as well. if for no other reason than i'm tired of having to buy bigger pants!

definitely related

Willow




Nate




nah, these two aren't related to each other are they? they are about the same age in these pictures--nate is a week or so younger than willow. and, yet, even as similar as they are, i see definite differences, too. (other than just the amount of hair!)

3 months

how in the hell did that happen? my baby girl is 3 months old already? time seems to be slipping by far too fast these days. a week is gone in the blink of an eye. it seems like i just pushed her out yesterday, and here it is already 3 months gone.

and while i am not so great at taking pictures of them these days, i'm definitely doing my best to soak up every day and every moment that we have together. knowing that she is our last baby. looking forward to the days when she's not a baby anymore and yet sad that those days will be over too soon.






she just loves to go, go, go, so the jumper is a big hit with her already.

Happy Birthday Nate

nate's party is actually tomorrow. we had visitors on his birthday, so we didn't even go to the party that we were supposed to go to that day. but we did go out to dinner at Gabriel's. so nate had his first sombrero experience this year. i'm sure this will not be the last birthday sombrero that he'll wear.

HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY NATE!!!





don't you just love the cheesy grin? we love you, buddy!

surprise!

it's friday already? how did that happen?

so last friday we got a message on our answering machine. jeff's uncle and aunt from colorado springs said they were coming to visit! SURPRISE!

so we spent all of saturday cleaning the house to make it somewhat presentable. they stayed at a hotel in town, so we only had to make the front room and kitchen neat.

they arrived saturday night and came over sunday morning. we spent all of sunday and the better part of monday with them.

it was a nice visit, and we have plans to go up and see them this fall. (since they will be moving back to wisconsin early next year after gerald retires.) not too many people come down to see us here in NM, so it is wonderful when they do. and it was especially nice to see gerald who spent quite a few weeks in the hospital earlier this year for heart sugery (and then for various complications). we weren't able to go up and see them at that time (it was right when willow was due), so we are thankful that they decided to drive down and see us.

so, thanks for the surprise visit G&P. we had lots of fun--and we were forced to clean the living room which was in sore need of it anyway.

gasp!

there is a chance my little digital camera is dying.

at this point i can't tell if it is camera or the batteries. i have 3 battery packs for it. two are actual canon batteries and one is an aftermarket version. all of the batteries show up as fully charged in the charger, but when i put them in the camera it acts weird. you turn it on, it shuts down almost immediately and says "change the battery pack." finally, last night i got the camera to stay on for more than a minute, and this morning it still works ok.

so now the debate is whether to get a new battery or possibly start shopping for a new camera or both.

i like my camera. it's a canon digital elph. and i've always got the SLR (but it is a bit too big to take with me everywhere and it requires actual film). i'd be ok with a camera that is a bit bigger than the elph and with more of a zoom and definitely more megapixels.

some of my fellow bloggers take such beautiful pictures, and here i am stuck in snapshot land. i really wish i had a camera that could do more and the time to learn how to use it!

so here's a question: what camera do you have? do you like it? what would you change/do differently if you were buying your camera again?

nate says . . .

"for my birthday . . . i want a rocket ship with every toy in the WORLD!"

i think he's a little bit excited. what do you think? mind you, i still haven't even decided what we're going to do for his birthday. whatever we do, it will be the day before his actual birthday because we have another party to go to on his birthday.

school starts . . .

TOMORROW!!!!!!

that's all. i'm just a little bit excited about it. nate already has his show-and-tell picked out. i think my first order of business will be to vegetate! i can get stuff done on wednesday.

Chama to Cumbres

today was our now annual nate's-birthday-trip on the cumbres & toltec scenic railroad. we took the sunday express, and this sunday they featured mariachi music. this is also the first year we've been able to get anyone to go with us. (thank you ann, barry, and sara!) we had a great time.

it was a nice day. not too hot. a bit cool and breezy at the top, but not bad. i, of course, much prefer it be cool than hot.

i debated whether to go with the mariachi music or the bike race (which is next weekend). i'm so glad i went with the music. i'm not usually a big fan of mariachi music, but this band played beautifully. and since they thankfully only had one mariachi band for the whole train we weren't inundated with mariachi music. i think if we had had to listen to 4 hours of mariachi music, we all would have been mariachi'd out.

we are home now. nate is in bed. willow is sleeping in the bouncy. i'm going to bed soon, too. fun ride, but we're totally wiped out!

(hope to get some pictures posted of this trip soon.)

things i never thought i would think #2

this is just one of the many reasons why i am still working on recovering from willow's birth.

i have delivered three children (which you probably know by now). none of my labors have been natural. none of them have been particularly short or quick. delivery with nate was pretty quick and easy, but from induction to delivery was still many hours.

of all of my labors, willow's was by far the most difficult. jesper's l&d was 36 hours, with 1.5 hours of pushing. willow's was 48 hours with 2.5 hours of pushing.

with jesper, i was completely terrified of having a c-section. i only had one dream when i was pg with him about being pg. it wasn't about having puppies or having a boy vs girl. it was at about 34 weeks. i dreamed that my baby died before being born. that when i went to the hospital to deliver, for some reason i couldn't deliver vaginally and had to have a c-section. that when i woke up in recovery i was told "something went wrong, and we had to take out everything." so you can imagine my fear at the suggestion of a c-section, especially after the first part of the dream had already come true. oh, yes, it was suggested (felt more like a threat at the time). "we'll try labor, but we expect this to be a c-section in the end." i still can't bring myself to recommend that doctor to anyone.

with nate, the spectre of a c-section was no where to be seen. thankfully.

with willow, i didn't think a c-section would be anywhere on the horizon either. but i will admit that after so many hours of hard labor and even more hours of pushing, it showed up again. but instead of it being the suggestion of my doctor, it came from my own head--of all places. i had been pushing for probably 2 hours already, still about 30 minutes from being done, and i thought, "i can't do this. something is wrong. i can't do this. get her out. i want a c-section. i can't do this anymore."

that's right, i thought it. in that moment i wanted a c-section. i had already had that moment of absolute terror when they couldn't find her heartbeat with the external montior. so i already had that fear of losing her hanging around. and i knew my labor was long, that pushing was taking too long and i was not making enough progress.

ultimately, i didn't have a c-section. i was able, finally, to push her out. and i'm happy about that. i am thankful and grateful for the support of my family and health care team (even though, in the moment, i was less than eager to listen). i think with a different team, in a different situation, without everyone pulling for me and having that confidence in me, i might have easily end up with a c-section. because i certainly didn't have the confidence in myself or my abilities at the moment.

medical ethics: part II

standard of care:

this phrase has been used by quite a few health care workers and others in reference to why my back-up doctor effectively fired me at 39 weeks pregnant for refusing to agree to take prophylactic antibiotics during labor and delivery. and cited as the reason why basically all the other doctors in santa fe would refuse to take me for the same decision.

i can understand "standard of care" . . . right up to the point where i am no longer allowed to take an active role in my own healthy care . . . right up to the point where i am no longer allowed to make my own **informed** decisions for myself or my children . . . right up to the point where it becomes a mandate for debatable or questionable treatment . . . right up to the point where it is used as a catch-all scapegoat phrase that saves doctors from having to actually talk to their patients in an intelligent way.

during pregnancy there are quite a few things which are considered "standard of care." for instance, 20 week ultrasounds, gestational diabetes testing, group b strep testing, AFP tests, amnio for women over 35, monthly then bi-weekly then weekly prenatal appointments, and the list goes on.

but here's the thing, it's ok to refuse ultrasounds. md's don't like it, but they can live with it if you choose not to have one. the same thing goes for amnios in women over 35 and AFP testing. some women have even been known to refuse gestational diabetes and GBS testing. though admittedly that is probably more commonly done by women who are under the care of midwives. and more easily accepted by midwives. and no one (midwives, md's and patients alike) blinks when one or the other party misses or skips or pushes back a prenatal appointment. no big deal.

so why is it such a crime to choose not to take prophylactic antibiotics during labor and delivery? why? if the "standard of care" functions as a *guideline* in all those other cases . . . if they are options, not mandates . . . then why is this issue different? why am i suddenly wrong for making an informed decision that doesn't mesh with theirs? why is that decision actionable where the others aren't? if doctors are going to fire patients for refusing their "standard of care" shouldn't that apply equally to all? aren't they all, according to the western medical model and the standard of care, equally valid and important tests and procedures?

"because we live in a free country," you say? yeah. exactly my point. don't i live there, too?

long meme

sorry this is so long. a friend posted it on myspace and i thought it looked like fun. so here goes:

SECTION 1

+ Known as: Halo
+ Born: September 11, 1972
+ Haircolor: brunette
+ Eyecolor: blue

SECTION 2 - HAVE YOU EVER...

+ Fallen off the bed? yes, top bunk actually. i had no memory of it in the morning, but there was a witness.
+ Broken someone else's heart? i hope not, but i think i might have come close.

SECTION 3- DO YOU...

+ Like to give hugs? usually
+ Like to walk in the rain? no, i don't like being fully clothed and wet. yick.
+ Prefer black or blue? blue
+ Sleep on your side, stomach or back? i'm a dedicated stomach sleeper unless i'm preggers and forced to sleep on my side.
+ Have a goldfish? no, but we have some zebra danios, some frankenstein fish, some live bearers, and some others, too.
+ Ever have the falling dream? not falling, but spinning. sucks just as bad.
+ Have stuffed animals? um, yeah.

SECTION 4 - THIS OR THAT... (i'm guessing these are preferences)

+ Pierced nose or tongue? nose
+ MTV or BET? MTV
+ 7th heaven or dawsons creek? 7th heaven
+ Chocolate or flowers? dark chocolate
+ Color or Black-and-white photos? usually color, but B&W for the right picture is awesome
+ Stay up late or sleep in? stay up late AND sleep in
+ Hot or cold? cold
+ Sun or moon? moon
+ Left or Right? left
+ 10 Acquaintances or one best friend? one best friend
+ Mustard or ketchup? ketchup
+ Spring or Fall? fall
+ Happy or sad? happy
+ Wonder or amazement? wonder
+ McDonald's or Burger King? carl's jr.
+ Mexican or Italian food? italian, do you know how much mexican food there is around here? BOOORING!

LASTS

Last car ride: lunch time today
Last good cry: last week
Last phone call: solicitor, does that even count?
Last time showered: this morning, and i brushed my teeth, but i didn't get to shave my legs
Last shoes worn: white chuck converse all stars
Last song played: something on someone's blog
Last item bought: lunch
Last annoyance: traffic
Last website visited: myspace and my blog
Last word/s you said: i'll be in soon.
Last song you sang: i don't remember, but trust me when i say you didn't want to hear it.
What's under your bed: storage bins, part of jeff's pontoon boat, and a huge colony of dust bunnies.
What time did you wake up today: which time? let's see . . . 2, 4, 6, and 7:30
Current mood: peachy keen
Current food: starbucks chocolate truffles and a bottle of water
Current hair: long and up
Current annoyance(s): temper tantrums, nate is really into these of late. grrrr.

X all that apply:

[x] I am shorter than 5'4
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily. (no, i BURN easily.)
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color. (i love my hair color. but i could do without the grays.)
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo. (no, but i want to get one.)
[ ] I have/I've had braces. (no, despite the fact that i sucked my thumb until i was 9.)
[x] I wear glasses/contacts.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. (in fact, there is likely some in my future, but not for a while yet.)
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have/had freckles. (goes with that whole burn thing.)

Family/Home Life

[ ] I've run away from home
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[ ] I want to have kids.
[xx] I've lost a child.

School/Work

[ ] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[x] I've stolen something from my job. (but only if pens or the like count as stealing.)
[ ] I've been fired. (no, but i was demoted and then quit.)

Embarrassment

[ ] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry. (no, but puff the magic dragon makes me cry every time.)
[x] I've peed from laughing. (hey, i've had three babies!)
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[ ] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my pants rip/drop in public.

Health

[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[x] I've gotten stitches.
[x] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[ ] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling

[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day. (way more than that, actually, and many times.)
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[x] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.

Experiences

[ ] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[x] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator. (only out of spite.)
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've drunk a whole gallon of milk in one hour. (no, but i've drunk a gallon of milk in a couple of hours and certainly a day.)
[ ] I've crashed a car. (i don't think fender benders count here.)
[x] I've been skiing/ snowboarding. (only once and i hated it.)
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[x] I've seen the Northern Lights. (when we went to see Indiana Jones at the drive-in theater in Pullman. the northern lights were way cooler.)
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[ ] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten Sushi.

Honesty/Crime

[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[ ] I've cheated on a test.
[x] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[ ] I've been arrested.

Death and Suicide

[ ] I'm afraid of dying.
[ ] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying.
[ ] I've attempted suicide. (no, but i've thought about it a fair amount.)
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism

[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own a real designer purse
[ ] I own an accessory other than a purse from a designer
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap. (hand-me-down and gifted baby clothes)
[x] I own something I got on e-bay.

Random

[ ] I can sing well. (i think i'm safe in saying no one would think i sing well.)
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up easily to others.
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs. (golden house rule, if the spider is going to run across the floor in front of me, he's also going to die.)
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly. (i've been known to swear like a sailor.)
[ ] I sing in the shower. (who has time to sing??)
[ ] I am a morning person. (hahahaha! not on your life.)
[x] I paid for my cell phone ring tone. (If You Leave . . . by OMD--think, Pretty in Pink. total 80's!)
[x] I'm a snob about grammar. (this is totally true about me! HAHAHA! i've even corrected this meme!)
[ ] I am a sports fanatic. (don't like sports. with maybe the exception of hockey.)
[ ] I twirl my hair. (not regularly)
[ ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day.
[x] I bake well. (and i have the body to show for it.)
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue. (that would be blue)
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school. (no, but i've considered wearing pj's nearly everywhere when i'm pregnant and nothing fits comfortably anymore.)
[ ] I like Martha Stewart. (i detest martha.)
[x] I laugh at my own jokes. (if i don't, who will?)
[x] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I am online 24/7 even with an away message.
[ ] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room. (a spider i'm ok with. a cock roach, no way. not sleeping. can't do it. yuck!)
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate. (white chocolate is NOT chocolate!)
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names. (only if *i* ask the person what their name is.)
[x] I'm good at remembering dates. (i used to be great at remembering phone numbers and voices, but i've lost that ability for lack of use and lack of brain cells after having kids.)
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] My answers are totally true.

high on crack??

we are done. so done. beyond done. done. done. done. having babies, that is. done. no doubts about the doneness of our doneness. (hey if W can make up words, so can i!)

and yet . . .

i feel a certain sense of sadness at being done.

at never getting to feel another baby growing and rolling around in my belly. men don't get this. they can understand it in concept, but not in reality. there is something so absolutely precious and special and, frankly, indescribable about having a life growing inside your own body. the absolute wonder of it.

at never having the chance to give birth again. i have always felt a sense of power and accomplishment in giving birth. i felt it the most with jesper, but certainly some with nate and willow as well. *i* did that. because there was always some part of me that wondered if it was even possible.

at never having the chance to gaze into the face of my newborn again. new babies are amazing creatures. and looking into their faces and making that connection for the first time is truly awesome. to see and meet this person that you created and that you have shared such intimate space with for so many months. and to see the recognition in their eyes of who you are.

at never getting the chance to see my blob of a newborn change into a little person. and, yes, i know that willow is still in the middle of that whole process. and still has far to go.

at never getting a positive home pregnancy test again. the anticipation of a BFP is a double-edged sword. when you are trying and trying and wanting it so badly and getting BFNs for months on end, it is one of the worst feelings on earth. but that one test stick that says YES is instantly exciting and scary and pure happiness. i think if i were to test today, even knowing full well that it would be negative, i would still feel a certain sense of sadness at the negative. psychotic, i know.

at never getting to breast feed another child. i know! i'm barely past the hardest part of nursing with willow. i know! i have, hopefully, another two years or more (please!) of nursing willow. i love nursing my children. i would happily still be nursing nate. i would happily have tandem nursed my children. i love the physical and emotional connection that comes with nursing. it is the next best thing to being pregnant.

i think part of all of this is learning to cope with willow's birth. but also jesper's death and birth. and nate's birth.

i feel a certain sense of failure. not because willow isn't absolutely perfect, but because her labor and delivery weren't. in fact, to me, her delivery was as close to a disaster as i could get without actually having a c-section or losing my child. so i'm sad that i'll never have another chance to "get it right."

but it is also just sadness at the reality of saying goodbye to that part of my life. not that i'm not excited to be done with babies and TTC and being pregnant and diapers and sleeplessness. not that i'm not excited to get on with our lives. not that i'm not excited to be able to start getting rid of all the baby crap and get my house back! but there is still that sense of sadness. will it ever truly go away, or will it always be there, just a little bit?

and every pregnant woman i see or pregnancy that gets announced is, to a certain extent, another reminder of what i will never get to do again. not that i am not happy for anyone. and not that i **really** want to do it again. but there will always be a part of me that is a little teeny bit jealous.

the thing is, i know i'm not alone. i know that women feel these same things every day for different reasons and at different times in their lives.

and i know that my husband thinks i must be smoking some really good crack right about now. but i also know that there is no way he can truly understand, try as he might.


Jesper: April 2003 (41 weeks)



Nate: August 2004 (40 weeks)



Willow: May 2008 (40 weeks)

pig latin

so it is official, nate is a reader.

unfortunately, with early reading comes the loss of a time-honored parenting trick. s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g o-u-t certain, sensitive words to avoid detection by the children. because i taught nate to sign, we couldn't use the signs for those words. and now that we can't spell them out anymore (not even backwards!), we have resorted to pig latin! we are going to run out of tricks pretty darn soon.

for instance, today jeff was trying to talk to me about his plan to take nate to the park with the pedal car that my parents got for him in may. he spelled out nearly the entire sentence, backwards. and what did nate say, "hey, car doesn't have a P in it." of course i busted up laughing because, well, i feel so totally screwed! apparently we need to use pig latin more than we have been.

of course, some things we haven't been able to spell out for some time. i-c-e c-r-e-a-m has been off the list forever. i guess because of the way i say it, even spelled out, he knew what it was. really if you think about it, it makes sense because listening to the way we say words is how they learn how to speak.

someone please tell me, what's next after pig latin?

just breathe

most of our trips in santa fe are not "off the beaten path" in the least. we mostly stick to the places that are found along the several main drags. recently however we went in search of, and found, the optometrist that we went to a few years ago when he was practicing in los alamos. he now practices in santa fe on luisa street--which is off the beaten path, yet the area was oddly familiar.

it wasn't until we got to the intersection of alta vista and luisa that it became very clear as to why it was familiar. that's where the funeral home is located. i've only been there once--to pick up jesper's ashes. i remember carrying his very simple urn out in a white bag. i remember the director of the funeral home being very nice. we did not have to pay for anything. he said, "you've already been through too much." these are memories that i carry with me. jeff doesn't even share the memory of carrying our son out in a bag; my mom was the one with me on that trip--i don't remember why and actually wish he had been with me. so i carry this one alone.

it still surprises me that more than 5 years later, something so seemingly simple can cause such a large shock to my system bringing tears with it. out of the blue.

i'm of two minds. if this building were on a route that i drive often, i might have gotten used to seeing it by now. on the other hand, if it were on a route that i drive often, it could hurt just as bad every single time. in which case, i probably would have found a way around it by now.

at any rate, it hurt. (took my breath away actually.) i'll have to see it a few more times this year and probably for years to come. so i guess i'll get to test the theory. but i'm not looking forward to it, and i may very well find an alternate route to the optometrist's office.

video

just in case you thought willow was only cute in still life, here is a video (if i can post it) of her talking to the animals above her changing table. mind you, the animals get more love than we do!



hmmm . . . it didn't work. guess i'll have to try some other way. keep watching . . .



for some reason blogger doesn't want to upload my video, so let's try this. here is the URL to the video in question (you will probably have to copy and paste it into your browser because blogger won't even post it as a link--grrrrr):

http://s153.photobucket.com/albums/s206/halogolden/?action=view¤t=126_2696.flv



incidentally, nate never did this. he wasn't happy on the changing table. and he never did this whole cooing/talking thing. of course he started actually talking at 16 months and has yet to shut up, so clearly it isn't a crucial part of actually learning how to talk. maybe if willow gets some of it out of her system now, she'll be a bit quieter than her brother in general. hey, i can hope! then again, she could start talking earlier with all of this practice. maybe she's already figured out that in order to get attention she's going to have to out-talk her brother. god help me.

so true

From the outside
You cannot understand . . .
From the inside
You cannot explain.

we saw this painted on the tailgate of a little old green truck in santa fe. it was part of someone's Vietnam Veteran's Memorial. but the words ring true for those of us who have lost a child, too.

i know people try to understand or think they do, but i also know that there is no way they can possibly understand unless they have been there. honestly, i wish no one else had to understand, but my wish doesn't count. so every day more and more parents discover the truth of those words. by losing a part of their family, they join a different kind of family.

2 months

she's getting so big! here's a picture of willow as of today. and look she's smiling--on camera, no less! her acne is starting to clear up. her hair is still red, and more importantly she hasn't lost any yet. i'm not sure how much she weighs, but if i had to guess i'd say about 13-ish pounds.


(i think she got a little bit of a sunburn at the pool today. bad mama.)

priceless

tricycle: $40
the clothes he WAS wearing: $15
having a picture of my child riding his tricycle naked: priceless

she's a real girl!

willow has recently hit the 8 week mark, and with that "milestone" she has started to change from the blob of a newborn into a real baby. with personality and everything!

it cracks me up that 5 minutes of laughing and smiling make her so tired she's ready for a 3 hour nap. but smiling and laughing happen regularly now. i have video of her laying on her changing table "talking" to the animals above her. (blogger won't let me post the video, so here is a picture of her and papa napping.)

funny, but totally gross

ahhhh, potty training is so much fun! nate has been going on the potty for months now, but we are still trying to, let's say, refine his efforts.

for instance, retracting his foreskin to watch the pee come out the end of his penis and losing track of where the pee is actually going (all over the wall the one time i saw him do it) requires a bit of refining. retracting the foreskin is a new ability and watching the pee is great fun, but you have to keep an eye on where the pee is going at the same time. see?

a bit of background is required here:

1. we have a taller than average potty. it's what was here when we moved in, and we haven't ever changed it. actually we prefer it. but nate requires a short step stool in order to pee standing up.

2. in our house we have ended the "you left the seat up" argument. the *lid* gets closed. so everyone must open and everyone must close.

for the longest time, i have been trying to get nate to open the potty after he has pulled down his pants and close it before he pulls them up. why? because he basically puts his head in the toilet with the lowering and raising of the pants. he doesn't quite seem to get it. the toilet is GROSS--i don't care when it was last cleaned! don't stick your head in it!

so the other night, he's in the bathroom going potty before bedtime. i walk by the bathroom door and see that his hair is wet and he's sort of smoothing it down or wiping his head off. it is no where near bath night. he hasn't been at the sink--i would have heard the water running. where did the wet head come from?

me: nate, how did your head get wet?
nate: well, i just tripped a little bit.
me: when you were going potty?
nate: yeah.

here is the sequence of events as i know them: step on stool. open toilet. pull down pants. trip. dunk head in toilet. then stand up to pee.

see, if he had listened to me he would have merely kissed the lid of the toilet. instead he dunked his own head in the toilet! YICK!

needless to say, he got his head washed before bedtime. has he learned the lesson of when to open the potty? no. he still does it backwards all the time.

things i never thought i would think #1

you would imagine that having already lost one child the concept of losing another one would be sort of ever present. that it might even be a driving force during subsequent pregnancies.

i would say, with nate, that i was generally concerned it might happen again. but i didn't really think it would. i got scared when, seconds after he was born, he was across the room on the warming table not crying. but even then something in me knew he was ok. maybe it was the noise in the room. it didn't *sound* as if something was wrong. (yes, things sound different when something is wrong. they just do.)

with willow, it started out as less than even a concern. i was annoyed by the idea of more monitoring and more doctors appointments. when it came down to the last few weeks, however, all that extra was comforting. but again, i never really thought for one second that we might actually lose another child. i felt a bit more stress towards the end when a few test results came back with possible issues that were similar to what happened with jesper. but still, they were just general concerns not genuine, heart-stopping fears.

there was, however, a moment with willow when my general concerns became something more.

at some point on friday, time is still very hazy for me on this subject, i finally asked for an epidural and we agreed to start pitocin. i am under the impression that the epidural took and hour and half to actually get in (that would be at least 5 attempts at an epidural, for those interested). i am also under the impression that when they were finally successful getting it in, i actually lost consciousness for some time because my blood pressure bottomed out. after regaining consciousness, i am aware of the nurse looking for willow's heartbeat for what felt like forever. i think it was at least 15 to 20 minutes that she kept looking and looking with the external monitor, but she never could get the baby's heartbeat to show up on the monitor. in all the happenings in the room at that moment, this is the one thing i became focused on. she was quietly searching and not finding. i was still having conversations with various people, but part of my brain was focused on what she was doing.

after a while dr. combs said "we are having a hard time finding her heart rate and we'd like to do an internal monitor." the response in my head--it may or may not be what i said--was "hell yes. please." because at some point in the quiet searching my general concern became a very clear fear. there isn't much that i remember clearly from her delivery, but i remember this.

**please find her heart beat. i cannot lose another child. this cannot be happening. find it. find it now.**

i will probably remember that thought and that feeling for the rest of my life. it was so absolutely clear to me. people say, "when such-and-such happened it was as if the whole world stopped." that's what that moment was for me. someone could have been screaming in my ear that the hospital was on fire, and i would not have heard them. i was totally focused on this instant, stabbing, abject fear.

thankfully, when they got the internal monitor on, her heart rate was just fine. and with it they were able to see the W's she was exhibiting. (W's are supposed to be the "classic" sign of a nuchal cord--ie, the cord around her neck. so in a way it was good for that, too. we were forewarned on that front.) so my fear was followed by utter relief.

gWiz

many of you know that the golden house uses cloth diapers as much as possible. we did it with nate, and we are continuing the tradition with willow. one of the problems i've had with cloth is that they aren't so portable for long-distance travel.

the first time we drove up north for cmas with nate, i tried to pack some diapers, but when it came to packing the car with all of the bags and coats and gifts and stuff, that was the one bag that could be left out for space issues. and so it was.

i don't like using disposables. i don't like the chemicals. i don't like the fact that they take so loooooooooong to break down (and even then they aren't totally gone, just in smaller pieces). i don't like the idea of putting all of that human waste in the landfill.

but they have their uses. meconium is nearly impossible to get out of cloth. they pack smaller than cloth. you don't have to launder them (or haul them around dirty in the mean time). they are a trimmer fit than cloth (which can make baby clothes last a bit longer simply for lack of bulk on the bottom).

well, i think i have found the compromise! enter: gDiapers. these diapers consist of a cotton knit pant (outer layer) that comes in some very cute colors and has velcro closures, a waterproof liner, and a disposable insert. but here's the thing, the disposable insert is "disposable" in several different ways. you can flush it. you can compost the ones that are just wet--yes, really, toss it in your compost heap and make happiness for your garden! or you can throw them away. they break down in something like 50 days and every part of the insert is reabsorbed by the environment. (this does not deal with the fact that you typically throw them away in a *plastic* bag, but at least it is part of the problem. right?)

today is my first full day using them. i've heard some complaints about leaks, but honestly cloth diapers and covers are doing a much better job containing willow's poops than the disposables. in 'sposies willow has gone through as many as 4 outfits in one day (some changes in less than 30 minutes). she is definitely a different child in the potty category than nate was. and i'm sure that, as with all diapers, these have some "tricks" for optimal coverage. no biggie.

the verdict is definitely not in yet, but i'm intrigued and excited by this product.

here's the URL in case you are interested in learning more about them: www.gdiapers.com

pretending

summer has been hard on nate's sleep. he gets up earlier than in the dark days of winter. he stays up later because it is hotter in the house and days last longer. this has resulted in some none-too-pleasant days in the golden house. cranky, crabby, sassy, obnoxious.

so the other day, we sent nate to his room for some time to himself, away from us. go away and come back in a better mood, please. set the timer for 30 minutes. he kept yelling from his room, "can i come out? has the timer gone off yet?" (for which a minute was added to the timer each time.) it was still a good hour and a half before his official 3 pm nap time. the last thing jeff heard was something along the lines of, "come find me, papa!" hiding under the blanket, waiting. jeff didn't get up. i didn't know what he had said. i went in about 10 minutes after i last heard him (end of the timer) only to find him fast asleep.

guess he was tired.

this ranks right up there with him falling asleep at the pool. i don't mean in a comfy, dry, quiet location at the pool. i mean under a towel on the concrete in the sun at the edge of the pool with all the other kids laughing and yelling and splashing around him.

guess he's been tired quite a bit this summer. i can only hope that fall and school will bring better sleep for all of us.

smiles and laughs

willow was just a few hours old when, in her sleep, she gave a big grin and belly laugh. i was left wondering: "what exactly does a newborn have to laugh at?"

willow has been smiling and laughing since she was born, but she's finally sharing them with us! in the last week, she has started giving baby grins when you smile at her, and just the other day she laughed with me.

there are only a few things better than the first smiles and laughs you get to share with a new baby. they are the next best thing to "i love you." and they make up for so much of the crap we have to put up with.

i love you, too, baby girl.

6 weeks and such

can't believe our baby girl is already 6 weeks old. we had our 6 week checkup with the midwife yesterday. willow weighed 12 lbs 6 oz (only 3 oz ahead of nate at 6 weeks--which i guess means she's growing only slightly slower than nate did).




you probably can't see it too well in this picture, but we are rockin' the baby acne hardcore! poor little girl looks like a teenager. it is slowly starting to clear up, but it seems like it is taking forever. she's had it for a couple of weeks now. it started out minimal then got worse. i don't think the heat helped any. it is down on her shoulders and has now progressed to the top of her head.




after several unappreciated attempts at bathing, i think we have finally found the key: lots of water! which means mama gets to take a bath, too. hopefully she'll soon be ok with the sponge on the bottom of the tub and much less water.




this one is probably the best shot i've gotten so far of the color of her hair. (sorry if the picture is a bit out of focus.) we were not altogether shocked to see red, but it certainly wasn't expected either. naturally, we have no idea if it will stay this color. and we have no idea what color it will end up being. but for now, it is red. it is, in fact, coming in much lighter than what she was born with. i'd actually like it if it stayed red, but i don't get to choose.

as promised . . .

our last cabinet is finally up. and here are some pictures to prove it!



jeff leveled the doors and put the knobs on last night. the only thing left is to put all the tools away, sweep up the dust, and fill the cabinets!

it's GOOOOOOD!

(that should be said in the appropriate sports announcer voice when a team scores.)

so the last remaining cabinet arrived on tuesday. and it is exactly what it should be. and it's undamaged. i'm shocked and relieved and happy.

and now we can install the darn thing--hopefully this weekend.