things i never thought i would think #1

you would imagine that having already lost one child the concept of losing another one would be sort of ever present. that it might even be a driving force during subsequent pregnancies.

i would say, with nate, that i was generally concerned it might happen again. but i didn't really think it would. i got scared when, seconds after he was born, he was across the room on the warming table not crying. but even then something in me knew he was ok. maybe it was the noise in the room. it didn't *sound* as if something was wrong. (yes, things sound different when something is wrong. they just do.)

with willow, it started out as less than even a concern. i was annoyed by the idea of more monitoring and more doctors appointments. when it came down to the last few weeks, however, all that extra was comforting. but again, i never really thought for one second that we might actually lose another child. i felt a bit more stress towards the end when a few test results came back with possible issues that were similar to what happened with jesper. but still, they were just general concerns not genuine, heart-stopping fears.

there was, however, a moment with willow when my general concerns became something more.

at some point on friday, time is still very hazy for me on this subject, i finally asked for an epidural and we agreed to start pitocin. i am under the impression that the epidural took and hour and half to actually get in (that would be at least 5 attempts at an epidural, for those interested). i am also under the impression that when they were finally successful getting it in, i actually lost consciousness for some time because my blood pressure bottomed out. after regaining consciousness, i am aware of the nurse looking for willow's heartbeat for what felt like forever. i think it was at least 15 to 20 minutes that she kept looking and looking with the external monitor, but she never could get the baby's heartbeat to show up on the monitor. in all the happenings in the room at that moment, this is the one thing i became focused on. she was quietly searching and not finding. i was still having conversations with various people, but part of my brain was focused on what she was doing.

after a while dr. combs said "we are having a hard time finding her heart rate and we'd like to do an internal monitor." the response in my head--it may or may not be what i said--was "hell yes. please." because at some point in the quiet searching my general concern became a very clear fear. there isn't much that i remember clearly from her delivery, but i remember this.

**please find her heart beat. i cannot lose another child. this cannot be happening. find it. find it now.**

i will probably remember that thought and that feeling for the rest of my life. it was so absolutely clear to me. people say, "when such-and-such happened it was as if the whole world stopped." that's what that moment was for me. someone could have been screaming in my ear that the hospital was on fire, and i would not have heard them. i was totally focused on this instant, stabbing, abject fear.

thankfully, when they got the internal monitor on, her heart rate was just fine. and with it they were able to see the W's she was exhibiting. (W's are supposed to be the "classic" sign of a nuchal cord--ie, the cord around her neck. so in a way it was good for that, too. we were forewarned on that front.) so my fear was followed by utter relief.