The Hair

there is an item in our house so vital to the survival of the 3 year old that it warrants mentioning here. it is called "the hair," and that's exactly what it is. more specifically, it is my hair.

from a very early age Nate was very attached to my hair, as you can see in the picture above--he was 6 mos old. anytime he got anywhere near me he would reach for my hair. it was comfort for him. he played with it while nursing and eventually the two just went hand-in-hand. i even cut it off once thinking "out of sight out of mind." it didn't work. i ended up bent way over so that he could still play with it while nursing. not particularly comfortable for me, but if i didn't bend over he would keep reaching for it.

i didn't so much mind him being attached to me or playing with my hair. it was all of the incidental, light touching of my shoulders, neck and face that drove me insane. i got officially, "touched out."

but, it was the one thing, other than nursing, that would help him fall asleep. even after he stopped nursing, i would end up laying in bed with him for 30 or more minutes so he could play with my hair to put himself to sleep.

the one time i did get my hair cut, i at least had the forethought to keep the lock of hair that was cut off. it was held together with a rubber band, dried out completely. i just had to find something that would hold it all together. a rubberband wasn't going to cut it, obviously. i mean nate could get pretty rough with my hair, so it had to stand up to his brand of love.

we had tried to get him to attach to a fake piece of hair before. but he would have nothing to do with it. he knew it wasn't mama's hair. no sale.

so finally we decided that epoxy was the stuff to hold it all together. something strong, that could be somehow pushed or mushed into the end to hold each individual hair. so that's what we used. and it worked. we've had to redo the epoxy once because it fell apart in chunks, but it seems to be holding up well.

we didn't try to get him to take the hair until he was about 2 years old. at first, nate wouldn't have anything to do with it. but it occurred to me that it is my hair so he wouldn't be able to tell the difference in the dark. this was the test. was it the hair or mama that he needed? the first night i sort of blended the hair in with my hair. he grabbed onto it without much thought. i slipped my hair out and was able to leave the room. i did the same thing the next night. after that i didn't have to blend it in. i just gave him the hair and left the room.

we had found the key to getting him to go to sleep without crying. THE HAIR. i'm pretty proud of the fact that we never "had" to let him cry it out. i am a firm believer that it is really just a matter of finding the key to your child. and that too many parents are simply not willing to take the time to do that. but that is just my opinion. and who knows maybe the next baby won't be so easily pacified.

we've gotten rid of the binky at night. he gets it at nap time, but not at night. eventually, we'll drop it at naptime too. but i don't care about the hair. it isn't affecting his mouth like the binky can. he can have the hair until he's 50 for all i care.

i will say that there is a significant panic in our house if the hair goes missing, which it has, several times. we've always managed to find it again, but not without some anger involved for having lost it in the first place.

it goes everywhere with us. and is his constant companion. i think it is cute.

the care of the hair? i wash it and condition it and dry it just like my own hair. not too hard. speaking of which the hair needs a bath.

i will also say that we get some pretty strange looks from people when they see it in his hand. they usually get a brief description that he was very attached to my hair, so i cut some off for him and that they are looking at the result. the hair. most people think it is brilliant. "why didn't i think of that?" clearly hair is a popular lovey among babies.

and it makes sense really. how much more attached can you get to mom? if you have her hair, the rest of her can't be that far away. i'm not sure that if we had tried to get him to take it earlier it would have been so easy. i know that early on it really was me he wanted, my hair was just something to play with. only when he got older was it less me and more my hair that was the comfort.

who knows how long we'll have to deal with the hair, but i don't really care. i love my nate-o.

another, finally

it has been a while since i posted, but i can finally report that we are pregnant again. after about 16 months of trying. my fifth pregnancy. my last pregnancy.

we had done clomid and a trigger shot the cycle we got pregnant. i took an HPT at 8 dpo, just to see if the trigger shot was still hanging around. very faint positive, so i knew that it was. couldn't get my bloodtest until 11 dpo at the earliest. so sunday morning i pee'd on a stick. 10 dpo. every other HPT i'd taken at 10 dpo after a trigger shot was stark white negative. this one had a very, very, very faint line. it showed up after the time limit. i debated if it was an "evap line." but both jeff and i agreed that it was definitely a pink line. ok, so we wait and test again the next day. i called my doctor in between taking the test and the line showing up. "i'm not pregnant, again. we're sad. and getting very, very discouraged." we were discouraged. on the verge of calling it done--for good. can't take much more of this. she said, it's still early. asked if we wanted a bloodtest. we said, we'll test again tomorrow and call then.

so i took another test on monday morning. this time the line was darker. this time it was pink without a doubt. this time it showed up within the time limit. this time i was sure it was positive. but somehow still doubted it. so we called to order the bloodtest.

HPT and bloodtest on tuesday both said positive. it's official. we got pregnant! dr. C was thrilled to tell me i was wrong.

i was so happy i could hardly contain it. i had already called my parents on sunday or monday and told them that we had a "tentative positive." jeff wanted to wait to tell people, but as usual, i can't seem to wait. he's cautious, i'm excited. so i started slowly telling people close to me.

we had our first ultrasound on October 10th. it showed that we were having twins. panic was my close friend for about 24 hours. so many BIG changes. we were ready? what exactly did it all mean? a bigger car. more stuff. more concerns about how nate would react. more concerns about nate basically losing his mom for a long time in order for her to care for two babies. not to mention, pregnancy and health concerns. and having to pick an actual doctor now. but not just any doctor. a doctor who could understand the complexities of the situation and not want to automatically cut me open just because there are two babies. i was stressed out, to say the least.

we had a second ultrasound on October 19th. it showed that we were once again having only one baby. i think the first words out of my mouth were "oh, thank god." so much stress was instantly gone. but it was replaced by another nagging feeling.

since we are having to inject 100 mg of progesterone in my butt every other day, we would have no idea if something went wrong. as demonstrated by the vanishing twin. that's why we did the first ultrasound. and after the second ultrasound is when i really started to worry that we would not, in the end, be bringing home a baby. again.

i ordered, and have already received, our rental doppler. it arrived a few days before the 10 wk mark. i was able to find Nate's heartbeat at 10 wks, so i was hopeful but still reserved about this baby. keeping in mind that because of the twins my uterus got bigger faster than it normally would. but now that we are back to only one baby, it would seem logical that that growth would sort of plateau for a while. plus, the remaining twin is actually the lower of the two. i tried to find heart tones one night but couldn't actually hear anything. the doppler seemed to pic something up, but i simply couldn't hear what it was reading. so we decided to wait a few more days to look again.

we had our first "official" prenatal appointment with SP, our midwife, on November 1st. we had a really laid back appointment. do you want to weigh? do you want to pee in a cup? do you want a blood pressure? yes, no, yes. we did a GBS swab--better to know the answer on that early so we can deal with it. and we were actually able to hear a heartbeat. at exactly 10 weeks. i was surprised, happy, and relieved. now i know that things seem to be going ok. and now i can check whenever i want to without resorting to an ultrasound and regardless of the injections. and that's the whole point of the doppler. to make me comfortable.

we also had a consult on November 1st with a family practice doctor who we were hoping would be willing to "follow along" this time. i really don't want to get to that 40 week mark and have to scramble around looking for a doctor who is willing to take my case. Dr. F was great. very laid back. we told her that things had changed--originally we had made the consult appointment when we were having twins. we weren't having twins anymore, we were returning to our midwife for care and planning a homebirth. but we also expained Jesper's death and the plan with Nate. we told her we would be seeing a perinatologist, as usual. and that the plan would probably be similar to that with Nate. 2 level II's in mid and late pregnancy, BPP's at the end, and induction at 40 weeks. she's on board. says, "oh, we do that all the time." ok, news to me. she said we don't have to see her until 34 weeks because we already have so much care involved. so that is done. and i'm relieved.

and now we can fall into the miraculously mundane days of a normal pregnancy. happy.

testing . . . can you see those lines?

another one??

it finally happened! i have finally met another person named . . . HALO. seriously. ok, well, i didn't really meet the person, but i met her mom.

apparently, the mom was nicknamed "Halo" in school in the 50's because of something to do with her hair. yup, called Halo because of the shampoo! so when the mom got married some years later, her husband said they would name their first daughter Halo. so they did. the daughter is apparently about 33 years old.

so there you go. another person actually named Halo. i never thought i'd see the day. but apparently, i was wrong!