11 years in

as of November 2011, jeff and i have owned our home 11 years. as of January 29, 2012, jeff has been employed by LANL for 11 years.

it is the longest i have ever spent in one place in my entire life, and it doesn't even seem like 11 years is that long. i am happy here. this is the house my babies came home to (the house i would happily have given birth to them in). this is the house my children are growing up in. we hope, one of these days, to put on an addition to give us all a little more space. i'd rather go through the pain and torture of an addition than moving. though sometimes i wish we could move to another house just to have a reason to **purge** the contents of this one.

i spent part of today at a birthday party for a wonderful 8 yo boy who is a friend of nate's. while i was there the mother of the birthday boy, asked if i had met that mom over there. i said, yes, we work in proximity to each other, and her child goes to the same school as nate. later another mom came in that i knew, and i went to talk with her. the birthday boy's mother was surprised that i knew her, too. i also knew the one dad who came to drop off/pick up his son.

the birthday boy's mother was surprise that i knew so many of the other parents, esp in light of an earlier conversation we had about the people i know who had all recently moved to the same street she lives on.

i said, this is what happens when you have lived in a town for 11 years.

i'm not sure when it happened exactly. the number of people i know has obviously grown over time; it was by no means overnight. and it even stalled a bit in the time around jesper's death. but yes, i can attest to the fact that if you live somewhere long enough, you will eventually know a whole lot of people who live in the same town. and they will know you, by name if nothing else. 

i guess time flies when you are building a life and a home and a family. 11 years flies right by without a thought.

Thankfully #2

in my current mood, it might be hard to come up with many this time around.

i'm thankful for . . .

* SCHOOL! thank heavens it has started again. nate is mostly happier (though very tired already). i think he needs routine and structure at this age, and this summer we were just not in one. i think he needs the mental challenges, too. he's already had homework and a spelling list for the week. i'm excited. he is, too. he got the teacher he wanted to get, and who turns out to be a very cool teacher. they had tadpoles in a cup on their desks the very first day of school. though his teacher, who has been teaching 6th grade for quite a few years, needs a refresher course in the literal world of 1st graders.

mostly that's it this week. i'm sure there are a thousand little things, but i have unfortunately missed most of them. right now, i'm tired and frustrated (see the next post).

Thankfully

i think i'm going to start a running post about the little things in life that i am thankful for. i don't know how long it will last. i'd like to get to it at least once a week, but i can't say that it will get to it the same day every week. i'd like to do it on monday; we'll see. since it is already tuesday, i've already blown that first one! but it isn't about the day of the week or how many weeks in a row i can manage to do it or even how many things each week i can find to be thankful for. it is about sitting down and finding the things in my life that i should be and am thankful for. to consciously take notice of the small bits. there are plenty of moments in my day that make me want to pull my hair out in fistfuls. so this is a conscious decision to either take note of the little things while they are happening or at least to sit down once a week and remember them.

i am thankful for . . .

* nate's good teeth. he's getting better about brushing his teeth. he's getting better *at* brushing his teeth. most of the time they are still stained. but he has not one single cavity. he is starting to lose his deciduous or primary or baby teeth (your choice of terminology there). he is also getting his first set of permanent teeth (the ones not actually replacing others)--his 6-year molars are coming in. his baby teeth look tiny in his mouth. i remember when they looked so BIG in there.

* willow's independent spirit. she does so much on her own at this age. today i looked for her shoes so we could leave the house again. she had put them together with the day's socks tucked right inside.

* my super smart kids. willow is such a little sponge. i hate to admit it, but i think it is ridiculously cute when she mimics the things we say. "shubup cat." nate is getting ready to start first grade. i think he's a little bit freaked out but mostly just excited. today we talked about evolution!

* trashy romance novels. well, maybe they aren't quite so trashy. but they are quick and fun to read, and they take me to places i could not possibly get to any other way.

* friends who can drop everything to support another friend who is having a bad week.

* baby/kid clothes. they have protected my kids and kept them warm. in return i have taken good care of them. now they are either going to friends who will use them or being sold to someone else who will use them. it is liberating and sad at the same time. hooray for the space freed up again, but letting go of the tiny little items that my babies wore is hard. i tried with nate to get pictures of him in the things i thought were so cute, i have not been as good about that with willow. doesn't matter now, all of the things that my kids can no longer wear are leaving my space in october, if not sooner.

want to join me? what are you thankful for these days?

feeling crafty and lonely

i've been feeling very crafty of late. so i have been teaching myself (with much help from books and the internet) how to knit. i have also been doing some major crochet. i have been planning quite a few sewing projects, as well. 

and i have been feeing very lonely of late. so i have been neglectful of my own blog. i am most often found on facebook or reading the blogs of my friends far and near. clearly i am attempting to find some measure of connection. if i cannot find it in town, i must needs find it elsewhere (aka, online). sorry for not being more present here. tomorrow when nate is in school and willow is napping, i have plans to get somewhat up-to-date on pictures of the kids and the happenings here. (assuming i don't get sucked into the vortex of facebook. but i'll make it a point to be here instead, catching up.)

until then . . . 

thankful thursdays

my friend chelle is starting this, and i think it is a smashing idea!

thankful thursdays: a day to think of and share 5 things that you are thankful for at that moment. they can be anything at all, from the very big to the very simple. it’s important to remember all that surrounds us that is good and worth being thankful for. gratitude is a powerful, and hopefully infectious, thing.

i do not guarantee that i will get this done *every* thursday, but even once in a while is good. so here goes:

1.  i am thankful that jeff is such a great dad. he came home today from work, and after the obligatory, potty stop, he easily and happily took a cranky baby off my hands so i could cook. he sat with her on the floor to play and dealt with nate's crankiness when he woke up, too. thanks jeffy, i love you.

2.  i am thankful for baby swings. ours is getting quite a workout this time around. it obviously never got used with jesper. nate didn't particularly like it. but willow sleeps in hers almost every single night. sometimes most of the night.

3.  i am thankful for my DVR. i know that tv shows are not important in the scheme of things, but they sure do make my life a little bit more enjoyable. and the DVR means that no matter what is going on around here, i don't typically miss anything.

4.  i am thankful for LEGOS. nate is growing up so fast. i didn't think he was "ready" for legos, but it turns out that he is. we are careful not to let any of them stray so they don't end up in willow's tummy (and eventually her diaper). it is so fun to see his imagination bloom when he plays with the things he builds, destroys, rebuilds, destroys again. between legos and matchbox my baby has become a real boy. i miss the baby that he was, but i like the boy he is becoming. i love you, my nate-o.

5.  i am thankful for friends. i made a meal tonight for a family with a new baby. they are such a sweet family. she hasn't left the house too much with her little one yet, so i haven't seen her around town at all. i've been wanting to hear the story of her son's arrival; i waited patiently, didn't ask around, wanted to be able to share it *with* her. and tonight i got to hear it. she is a great mom. beautiful (but aren't we all in our own way?). strong. and oh so happy. she seems to have her priorities in great order. hope you liked the salmon, mack family.

OK, i'll play

my friend jenn is doing this on her blog, so i'm going to play, too. (i'm borrowing your rules, jenn.)

The rules have varied from blog to blog, so I’m going to meet in the middle and put this offer out to 4 of you. Here’s how it works: the first 4 people to leave a comment on this post will receive, at some point during the year, a handmade gift from me. What it will be and when it will arrive is a total surprise!

The catch is that you must participate as well: before you leave your comment here, write up a pay it forward post on your blog to keep the fun going. Then come back, let me know you’re going to play, and sit back and anticipate the arrival of your gift! Remember that only the first 4 comments will recieve a gift from me, so be quick!

i'm excited to see who signs on! 4 seems like a number i can manage. i considered increasing it to 5, but i think i had better stick with 4 since i have limited time on my hands these days.

blue

i've been feeling like absolute crap lately. (and i am borrowing my grandmother's favorite swear word as a very mild stand-in for the word that runs through my own head.)

feeling blue. missing jesper terribly.

feeling isolated and lonely, despite getting out of the house nearly every day of the week. too many friends have moved away and now i feel like i'm nearly back to square one in having someone, anyone, i relate to on a close level.

my self-esteem is in the toilet. i'm gaining weight, STILL. not getting enough exercise (ok, not getting any exercise). eating too much and not much of it any good. as a sign that my self-esteem is low, i have stubbed my toes and feet on every piece of furniture in my house. and yesterday i sliced my thumb wide open on a broken glass.

feeling overwhelmed by my disaster of a house. being unable to get on top of the mess that we live in.

feeling overwhelmed and dogged by the emotional baggage left over from willow's birth. and unable to find two spare seconds to deal with it.

i know this is what all parents have to do, but i hate having to choose between my children's emotional health and my own. not to mention the choice between exercise and sleep. (or most things and sleep.) i lose every time. and so does the exercise. (how can i have the energy to exercise if i don't get enough sleep?)

yes, i know that taking care of myself lets me take better care of my children, but there are only 24 hours in the day. on top of beating myself up on my furniture and dishes, we all had a terrible day yesterday. screaming and crying for hours--all of us. but most of the people in the house went to bed early last night (i tried, but couldn't sleep, so i got up and worked on a project online), and at least a couple of us have had a better day today.

so i'm determined to change things. i've started taking my thyroid meds again. (i had taken a break to see if they were really "necessary," and with the weight gain and depression i think they are.) i've started keeping a food diary. i may not eat the absolute best all the time, but the food diary not only holds me accountable but also shows me progress which is a reward in itself. i've started walking more, too. i can't run and i'm no good at swimming, so walking is my exercise. when the construction between my house and nate's school is done (any . . . day . . . now), i am going to start walking him to or from school. and i'm going to dig out some workout videos, too. i don't have to leave my house to get some exercise in, i just have to find the energy and motivation.

and i'm determined to get my house in order. jeff has been helping with the dishes a lot more, and that helps greatly. i'm still doing laundry from our trip, but when that's done i can usually keep on top of it pretty well. i just need to get the rest of the place cleaned up and put in place. my house will never be perfect but when i feel overwhelmed by the mess, it only makes me more depressed and irritable.

one little step at a time. i'm hoping with every little step the rest of the crap will fall away (and maybe some lbs in the process).

long meme

sorry this is so long. a friend posted it on myspace and i thought it looked like fun. so here goes:

SECTION 1

+ Known as: Halo
+ Born: September 11, 1972
+ Haircolor: brunette
+ Eyecolor: blue

SECTION 2 - HAVE YOU EVER...

+ Fallen off the bed? yes, top bunk actually. i had no memory of it in the morning, but there was a witness.
+ Broken someone else's heart? i hope not, but i think i might have come close.

SECTION 3- DO YOU...

+ Like to give hugs? usually
+ Like to walk in the rain? no, i don't like being fully clothed and wet. yick.
+ Prefer black or blue? blue
+ Sleep on your side, stomach or back? i'm a dedicated stomach sleeper unless i'm preggers and forced to sleep on my side.
+ Have a goldfish? no, but we have some zebra danios, some frankenstein fish, some live bearers, and some others, too.
+ Ever have the falling dream? not falling, but spinning. sucks just as bad.
+ Have stuffed animals? um, yeah.

SECTION 4 - THIS OR THAT... (i'm guessing these are preferences)

+ Pierced nose or tongue? nose
+ MTV or BET? MTV
+ 7th heaven or dawsons creek? 7th heaven
+ Chocolate or flowers? dark chocolate
+ Color or Black-and-white photos? usually color, but B&W for the right picture is awesome
+ Stay up late or sleep in? stay up late AND sleep in
+ Hot or cold? cold
+ Sun or moon? moon
+ Left or Right? left
+ 10 Acquaintances or one best friend? one best friend
+ Mustard or ketchup? ketchup
+ Spring or Fall? fall
+ Happy or sad? happy
+ Wonder or amazement? wonder
+ McDonald's or Burger King? carl's jr.
+ Mexican or Italian food? italian, do you know how much mexican food there is around here? BOOORING!

LASTS

Last car ride: lunch time today
Last good cry: last week
Last phone call: solicitor, does that even count?
Last time showered: this morning, and i brushed my teeth, but i didn't get to shave my legs
Last shoes worn: white chuck converse all stars
Last song played: something on someone's blog
Last item bought: lunch
Last annoyance: traffic
Last website visited: myspace and my blog
Last word/s you said: i'll be in soon.
Last song you sang: i don't remember, but trust me when i say you didn't want to hear it.
What's under your bed: storage bins, part of jeff's pontoon boat, and a huge colony of dust bunnies.
What time did you wake up today: which time? let's see . . . 2, 4, 6, and 7:30
Current mood: peachy keen
Current food: starbucks chocolate truffles and a bottle of water
Current hair: long and up
Current annoyance(s): temper tantrums, nate is really into these of late. grrrr.

X all that apply:

[x] I am shorter than 5'4
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily. (no, i BURN easily.)
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color. (i love my hair color. but i could do without the grays.)
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo. (no, but i want to get one.)
[ ] I have/I've had braces. (no, despite the fact that i sucked my thumb until i was 9.)
[x] I wear glasses/contacts.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. (in fact, there is likely some in my future, but not for a while yet.)
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have/had freckles. (goes with that whole burn thing.)

Family/Home Life

[ ] I've run away from home
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[ ] I want to have kids.
[xx] I've lost a child.

School/Work

[ ] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[x] I've stolen something from my job. (but only if pens or the like count as stealing.)
[ ] I've been fired. (no, but i was demoted and then quit.)

Embarrassment

[ ] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry. (no, but puff the magic dragon makes me cry every time.)
[x] I've peed from laughing. (hey, i've had three babies!)
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[ ] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my pants rip/drop in public.

Health

[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[x] I've gotten stitches.
[x] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[ ] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling

[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day. (way more than that, actually, and many times.)
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[x] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.

Experiences

[ ] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[x] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator. (only out of spite.)
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've drunk a whole gallon of milk in one hour. (no, but i've drunk a gallon of milk in a couple of hours and certainly a day.)
[ ] I've crashed a car. (i don't think fender benders count here.)
[x] I've been skiing/ snowboarding. (only once and i hated it.)
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[x] I've seen the Northern Lights. (when we went to see Indiana Jones at the drive-in theater in Pullman. the northern lights were way cooler.)
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[ ] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten Sushi.

Honesty/Crime

[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[ ] I've cheated on a test.
[x] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[ ] I've been arrested.

Death and Suicide

[ ] I'm afraid of dying.
[ ] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying.
[ ] I've attempted suicide. (no, but i've thought about it a fair amount.)
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism

[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own a real designer purse
[ ] I own an accessory other than a purse from a designer
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap. (hand-me-down and gifted baby clothes)
[x] I own something I got on e-bay.

Random

[ ] I can sing well. (i think i'm safe in saying no one would think i sing well.)
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up easily to others.
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs. (golden house rule, if the spider is going to run across the floor in front of me, he's also going to die.)
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly. (i've been known to swear like a sailor.)
[ ] I sing in the shower. (who has time to sing??)
[ ] I am a morning person. (hahahaha! not on your life.)
[x] I paid for my cell phone ring tone. (If You Leave . . . by OMD--think, Pretty in Pink. total 80's!)
[x] I'm a snob about grammar. (this is totally true about me! HAHAHA! i've even corrected this meme!)
[ ] I am a sports fanatic. (don't like sports. with maybe the exception of hockey.)
[ ] I twirl my hair. (not regularly)
[ ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day.
[x] I bake well. (and i have the body to show for it.)
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue. (that would be blue)
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school. (no, but i've considered wearing pj's nearly everywhere when i'm pregnant and nothing fits comfortably anymore.)
[ ] I like Martha Stewart. (i detest martha.)
[x] I laugh at my own jokes. (if i don't, who will?)
[x] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I am online 24/7 even with an away message.
[ ] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room. (a spider i'm ok with. a cock roach, no way. not sleeping. can't do it. yuck!)
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate. (white chocolate is NOT chocolate!)
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names. (only if *i* ask the person what their name is.)
[x] I'm good at remembering dates. (i used to be great at remembering phone numbers and voices, but i've lost that ability for lack of use and lack of brain cells after having kids.)
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] My answers are totally true.

wait! that's me!

thanks Jenn. sorry my blog is so boring! not much ever happens here.

this is the ABC’s of me.

[Each player tags 6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.] i don't actually know 6 people with blogs, so i doubt this will actually happen. but here are my answers anyway.

A- Attached or single: happily attached
B- Best Friend: Jeff, my husband, sounds cliche but i really like being around him and doing things together
C-Cake or Pie: cake, but for the right pie (custard pie) i could be persuaded to change my answer
D- Day of Choice: saturday . . . i get to sleep in!
E- Essential Item: books
F- Favorite Color: blue
G- Gummi Bears or Worms: bears, i decapitate them first!
H- Hometown: what are we calling a "hometown"? i was born in Panama City, FL, but moved from there at 6 wks of age. i suppose i spent the better part of my childhood in Colfax, WA. that's where i graduated from high school and where my parents still live.
I- Indulgence(s): hot baths, romance novels, eating out, and preschool
J- January or July: september! i like the temperatures more moderated. january is boring and cold. and july is just plain too hot.
K-Kids: Jesper, Nate, and Willow (who is due in may)
L-Life is incomplete without: family and friends
M- Marriage Date: June 17, 1995 (that makes me sound old!)
N- Number of Siblings: 1
O- Oranges or Apples: apples, honeycrisp apples to be exact
P- Phobias or Fears: spiders and bugs
Q- Quote(s): Time has healed me, but time has not made me forget. -Janis Heil
R- Reason To Smile: i love you mama!
S- Season: fall. brisk days, crisp, colorful leaves, warm sweaters.
T- Tag Six: i don't know 6 people with blogs. and since this request came from Jenn, my list of blog-owners is down by one to start with.
U- Unknown Fact About Me: is there anything people don't know about me? let me think . . . i like my oysters raw? but you might already know that.
V- Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animal: i'd gladly eat only vegetables, but animals are so very tasty!
W- Worst Habit: perfectionism, i'm too outspoken, i'm too opinionated. pick one.
X- X-Rays or Ultrasounds: ultrasounds . . . they are usually a much happier event. x-rays go with broken bones. ultrasounds go with babies.
Y- Your Favorite Food: a good, juicy, medium-rare steak with roasted brussel sprouts and mashed sweet potatoes. mmmmm. what? i'm pregnant! there is no such thing as "favorite food," singular; it has to be a meal. my other favorite is orange-glazed salmon with rice and broccoli.
Z: Zodiac: virgo, virgo, virgo!

time to run, the natives are getting restless.

another one??

it finally happened! i have finally met another person named . . . HALO. seriously. ok, well, i didn't really meet the person, but i met her mom.

apparently, the mom was nicknamed "Halo" in school in the 50's because of something to do with her hair. yup, called Halo because of the shampoo! so when the mom got married some years later, her husband said they would name their first daughter Halo. so they did. the daughter is apparently about 33 years old.

so there you go. another person actually named Halo. i never thought i'd see the day. but apparently, i was wrong!

have you been drinking?

new mexico is well known for having lots of drunk drivers that do devastating work, as it were.

tonight in los alamos, i was passed through my very first DWI checkpoint. it was dark. their lights were flashing (annoyingly bright). i rolled down my window.

they asked, "has anyone had anything to drink tonight?"
"no," my reply.
"okay, proceed on through behind this car ahead of you."

what?!? you are only going to stop me if i admit to it? what if i said, my passenger had been drinking. and what difference does it make if my passenger has been drinking? he isn't driving!

oh sure, i get it. he assessed my drinking status in my answer and my demeanor. if i had slurred my speech or looked intoxicated in any other way, he would have gladly pulled me over.

on the road again. we joke, "no officer we haven't been drinking, but our two-year-old put away a 5th not that long ago. it was the only way we could get him to be quiet for a little while."

where was the checkpoint? on the road by the catholic church which was, coincidentally, having a St. Patrick's Day Dance. my guess is they will get no one for DWI and will once again get cudoos for it!

my name is . . .

yes, really, my name is Halo.

no, i'm not named after the game. yes, i am named after the shampoo, but only because my dad didn't like all the common 'H' names on the market.

and yes, really, my last name is Golden.

it is my married name. no, i did not search the campus directory for a guy with a last name i liked. i liked the guy, his last name happened to be golden. when we got married, i decided i couldn't NOT change my name. afterall, who could pass up Halo Golden? if he had been smith or jones or anything else, i probably would not have changed my name at all. i liked my maiden name. still do. it is a part of my kids' names.

so that's the story of my name. and all things flow from there . . .