echoes

as i sat in the dark tonight nursing willow to sleep, i heard echoes of some of the things that were said to or about us or our children during this last legislative session. not nice things. ugly things. hurtful things. things that leave me feeling depressed, again.

shall i share how terrible people can be? 

"how can you support this bill, it's just a lump of tissue." this one was said to someone who was there *with us* to support the bill and our efforts. all i could think was . . . it is a good thing she didn't say it to me. my comeback, "my son was no more a lump of tissue than you are right this minute." that's me being nice.

"i've had one of these." this was said by the chair of a committee. a state senator. i don't know anyone who had actually delivered a stillborn child who would refer to their child as "one of these."

"i am having a hard time with the idea of giving a birth certificate to something that was never alive." oh yeah. nice, huh? uttered by the very same state senator. you know, the one who had "one of these." nevermind that the state doesn't actually dispute whether or not Jesper was alive. and that that isn't the issue we have at all. "something"?  i just don't have the words . . . . . . 

nice bunch of folks, don't you think? warms the heart just a little bit, right?

admittedly, part of me wants to say that they are simply ignorant or misinformed or confused. i don't want to believe people can be so heartless, unfeeling, harsh, or cold. 

all i know for sure is that the echoes are making me sad tonight.

Help pass New Mexico House Bill 196

Tonight's post is to ask for your help. As you may or may not know, I have been working on a piece of legislation for a few years now that would honor and acknowledge Jesper, his death, and his place in our family. 

Currently, in New Mexico the only document that is generated by and for the State is a Report of Fetal Death. It is not quite a death certificate. It is definitely not a birth certificate. It is hurtful and insulting that my state refuses to recognize his existence, his life, his death, or his birth. So I have been working to change things.

In January, Representative Keith Gardner introduced House Bill 196 (Registrations of Fetal Death). It aligns New Mexico's definition of stillbirth with the CDC's recommendation: 20 weeks, or 350 grams if gestational age is unknown. It allows for the issuance of a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. It fixes a few other issues we have encountered, as well. 

HB 196 is very similar, though not identical, to a bill that was passed in 2007 which was later vetoed by Governor Bill Richardson. 

So far during the current legislative session, HB 196 has already passed the House of Representatives 56-2, which is great! We just passed through the Senate Public Affairs Committee and only have one committee left in the Senate before a full Senate vote. However, we only have one week left!

So, what can you do? ***CALL YOUR STATE SENATOR NOW.*** We only have a very short amount of time to get through the Senate Judiciary Committee and the full Senate. Please ask them to support HB 196 when it comes to the full Senate for a vote. 

If you see your Senator (listed with county) on the following list, please call them and urge them to get HB 196 on their agenda quickly. 

Cisco McSorley (Chair) Bernalillo

Richard Martinez (Vice Chair) Los Alamos, Rio Arriba, Santa Fe

Tim Eichenberg  Bernalillo

Clinton Harden  Colfax, Curry, Harding, Quay, San Migue, Taos, and Union

Linda Lopez  Bernalillo

Sander Rue   Bernalillo and Sandoval

John Ryan  Bernalillo and Sandoval

Bernadette Sanchez   Bernalillo

Michael Sanchez  Valencia

Peter Wirth   Santa Fe

William Payne   Bernalillo

If you don't see your Senator on the list, please call anyways! Tell them that you want to see this bill pass and get to the Governor this year. 

Unfortunately, too many legislators would like to make this into a reproductive rights discussion. I want to clarify, this bill in no way effects reproductive rights in New Mexico. Put simply, this is not that issue.

Please help. And please, if I have sent this to you and you do not actually live in New Mexico, forward it to anyone and everyone you may know (other than me!) who does live here. We need all the voices we can get. I cannot imagine having to go through this emotional, stressful process again—but you can bet I will if it doesn't pass this year.

Thank you all so much for your time. I hope you feel inclined to help.

pushing buttons

this legislative session and our vigorous attempts to get our bill (jesper's bill) passed this year are taking a toll on me. 

i do not function well under a lack of information, a lack of communication. yet that is what we have to work with all the time. legislators who don't want to talk or who don't have the time to respond to numerous calls, emails, faxes. i am not cut out to be a politician. i cannot make nicey-nice for very long while squashing the negative feelings i've got going on.

we have been waiting, patiently, to get on one committee agenda or another for six weeks now. we only have two weeks left (a few days less than that actually). the committee that we are currently waiting on is the worst one yet. they are supposed to do things in a relatively predictable order, but they simply aren't. or at least they don't appear to be in our case. 

little did i know that our sponsor is doing his absolute best to get us through with as little effort to us as possible. using all of his considerable political influence. this bill is his top priority this legislative session. while i greatly appreciate it, i wish he would communicate just a little bit more. it might have saved me from getting upset today when our bill did not appear on Tuesday's agenda. it seemed that we were getting passed over again. it might have saved me from drafting and sending a blunt (to use C's word) email to the committee chair. and leaving a tearful message on our sponsor's voicemail. 

the truth is that on top of feeling very vulnerable this time, i am now getting anxious and nervous and worried and scared. time is running short. too short for my sanity. we still have another committee to get through. judiciary is busy, busy, busy. plus, they aren't even hardly hearing House bills at this point. if we don't make it through these last two committees in rapid order, we won't go to the full Senate for a vote. without that, it dies where it stands. it will never go to the governor for signing if it doesn't get out of the Senate. we will have to try again in another two years. two years. jesper would now be nearly 6. two years is too long.

if you live in NM, please call your Senator. make this the easiest Yes vote in the legislature this year. if you don't live here, keep us in your thoughts. 

through the window

since the weather is getting warmer, i am letting nate go forth into the world of our unfenced yard to play unsupervised. he's old enough now that i can *somewhat* trust him not to do himself too much bodily harm, not to run off, not to go near the street, and on and on.

today he got to go outside with expression permission to make mud. we have a 20 gal trash can (the trash can we used before the county switched to roll carts) that catches roof run off. it doesn't catch all of the water that runs off, but it catches some and we use that water on our plants--or for play. 

through the living room window i watched nate fill his little bucket with water, walk over to the playhouse, put the bucket on the roof, climb on top of the playhouse, then pour the water down the other side of the roof, then get down and repeat. one time he landed on his bucket and bent it, but i watched him fix it on his own without a tear. 

it was fun to watch him when he couldn't see me. i know he made mud, climbed up somewhere, poured water in his wagon. all things i would probably would have said "no" to or cautioned against, but since he was outside playing quietly by himself, i let it go. he is learning and growing and problem-solving and becoming a real boy, before my very eyes. 

today kind of makes up for the meltdown yesterday evening. throw in a nap today and we'll be good as new.