easier

i am having a hard time. the legislative session has started again. big changes happened this year. we lost our sponsor (Keith was promoted to the new governor's office chief of staff). we got a new sponsor (Sen John Ryan). some rules at the DOH have changed, so we have to change the way we talk about things. none of that is my problem, though.

i'm just tired of it. tired of the politics. tired of politicians playing games. tired of my heart being on what feels like the losing end.

a big part of me just wants to go to the capitol and tell them to play the game by their own rules. i know it wouldn't change them, but it would make me feel better. i'm an honest, open, face-value person. i don't play games well. i don't have a poker face. i don't dicker over the price of things.

i will see this through to the end, but i'm not going to lie and say it is not difficult. that it is not affecting me. giving me a poor opinion of people.

it is weighing on me heavily tonight. making me very depressed.

Representation

what does it mean to 'represent' another person? to act or speak for another person; that's what the dictionary says. if you are a state legislator, would that or should that change your definition of represent? i don't think it should.

so if you took a need to your legislator–your representative–and asked them for help getting something changed, don't you think they should? if you went to your legislator with a bill already drafted and asked them to support it and advocate for it on your behalf, don't you think they should?

i know a certain legislator–Representative Jeanette Wallace–who has maybe lost the meaning of the word 'represent'. my representative couldn't care less about me.

i went to her in 2004 and asked her to help me fix how the state deals with stillbirth. i believe she told me to take it up with the county, as if they have any control over the procedures. so basically, she did nothing.

in 2007 and 2009, i went to her and asked her to support and advocate the bill that we have been trying to get passed. i wanted to ask her in person. she would not see me. before you say, "well, during the session she's very busy. not in los alamos very much." i was at the capitol. i was standing in her office. she still would not see me. i could not even get 5 minutes with my representative during a legislative session at the capitol. isn't she there *for* me? clearly not.

this is an election year. this year she has some competition. before the primary there was actually more than one candidate willing to run against her or in her place. competition is good.

part of me hopes that Stephanie Richard wins, but part of me does not. i don't believe a democrat is what is best for Los Alamos County. i don't believe a democrat is what is best for this bill that i have poured my soul into. i know it is more difficult for democrats to support it. i also know that Richard has two masters when it comes to education, and that worries me for a whole other reason.

some will say Wallace is the better choice because she has seniority and lots of influence and many friends. but if she never uses them for those she represents, then what good are they? Richard will be a freshman; she will have no friends, no influence with anyone. but maybe that will make her more eager and more willing and more representative.

i truly believe Wallace needs to be gone, but i don't know that Richard is the right person to replace her. (though i'd love to have an actual conversation with Ms. Richard.)

Keith Gardner Fan Club

january brought us back to the Roundhouse trying to get the MISSing Angels Bill passed for our babies again. once again it did not get through for petty political reasons. we will try again. we will keep trying until it does get passed. this year we had a picture taken.

Halo and Willow

Carin and Camar

the girls were real troupers this year. camar is old enough to know that she didn't want to be contained. to willow it was just another floor, but it meant a distracted mama, trips in the car, and difficulty napping. the girls got lots of attention, though!

could this be a glimpse of the future? he could certainly do no worse than the people who currently occupy this chair.

the boys were troupers, too. they were without their moms far too much. i know nate kept asking if he could come with me. i could not think of anything more taxing for either of us than to have him with me waiting around in the hallway for hours and hours on end. so the compromise was that we took the boys to see the roundhouse after the session had ended. (nate actually went with me during the 2007 session, but he doesn't remember that at this point.)

this is also my chance to say a very big thank you to my friends in los alamos and my husband. without ann and amy being so willing to watch nate at a moment's notice (and even take him to school one morning), the scary idea of taking him with me would have become a tortured reality. so, thank you! i hope with every fiber of my being that the 3rd time is the charm on this.

echoes

as i sat in the dark tonight nursing willow to sleep, i heard echoes of some of the things that were said to or about us or our children during this last legislative session. not nice things. ugly things. hurtful things. things that leave me feeling depressed, again.

shall i share how terrible people can be? 

"how can you support this bill, it's just a lump of tissue." this one was said to someone who was there *with us* to support the bill and our efforts. all i could think was . . . it is a good thing she didn't say it to me. my comeback, "my son was no more a lump of tissue than you are right this minute." that's me being nice.

"i've had one of these." this was said by the chair of a committee. a state senator. i don't know anyone who had actually delivered a stillborn child who would refer to their child as "one of these."

"i am having a hard time with the idea of giving a birth certificate to something that was never alive." oh yeah. nice, huh? uttered by the very same state senator. you know, the one who had "one of these." nevermind that the state doesn't actually dispute whether or not Jesper was alive. and that that isn't the issue we have at all. "something"?  i just don't have the words . . . . . . 

nice bunch of folks, don't you think? warms the heart just a little bit, right?

admittedly, part of me wants to say that they are simply ignorant or misinformed or confused. i don't want to believe people can be so heartless, unfeeling, harsh, or cold. 

all i know for sure is that the echoes are making me sad tonight.

Help pass New Mexico House Bill 196

Tonight's post is to ask for your help. As you may or may not know, I have been working on a piece of legislation for a few years now that would honor and acknowledge Jesper, his death, and his place in our family. 

Currently, in New Mexico the only document that is generated by and for the State is a Report of Fetal Death. It is not quite a death certificate. It is definitely not a birth certificate. It is hurtful and insulting that my state refuses to recognize his existence, his life, his death, or his birth. So I have been working to change things.

In January, Representative Keith Gardner introduced House Bill 196 (Registrations of Fetal Death). It aligns New Mexico's definition of stillbirth with the CDC's recommendation: 20 weeks, or 350 grams if gestational age is unknown. It allows for the issuance of a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. It fixes a few other issues we have encountered, as well. 

HB 196 is very similar, though not identical, to a bill that was passed in 2007 which was later vetoed by Governor Bill Richardson. 

So far during the current legislative session, HB 196 has already passed the House of Representatives 56-2, which is great! We just passed through the Senate Public Affairs Committee and only have one committee left in the Senate before a full Senate vote. However, we only have one week left!

So, what can you do? ***CALL YOUR STATE SENATOR NOW.*** We only have a very short amount of time to get through the Senate Judiciary Committee and the full Senate. Please ask them to support HB 196 when it comes to the full Senate for a vote. 

If you see your Senator (listed with county) on the following list, please call them and urge them to get HB 196 on their agenda quickly. 

Cisco McSorley (Chair) Bernalillo

Richard Martinez (Vice Chair) Los Alamos, Rio Arriba, Santa Fe

Tim Eichenberg  Bernalillo

Clinton Harden  Colfax, Curry, Harding, Quay, San Migue, Taos, and Union

Linda Lopez  Bernalillo

Sander Rue   Bernalillo and Sandoval

John Ryan  Bernalillo and Sandoval

Bernadette Sanchez   Bernalillo

Michael Sanchez  Valencia

Peter Wirth   Santa Fe

William Payne   Bernalillo

If you don't see your Senator on the list, please call anyways! Tell them that you want to see this bill pass and get to the Governor this year. 

Unfortunately, too many legislators would like to make this into a reproductive rights discussion. I want to clarify, this bill in no way effects reproductive rights in New Mexico. Put simply, this is not that issue.

Please help. And please, if I have sent this to you and you do not actually live in New Mexico, forward it to anyone and everyone you may know (other than me!) who does live here. We need all the voices we can get. I cannot imagine having to go through this emotional, stressful process again—but you can bet I will if it doesn't pass this year.

Thank you all so much for your time. I hope you feel inclined to help.

pushing buttons

this legislative session and our vigorous attempts to get our bill (jesper's bill) passed this year are taking a toll on me. 

i do not function well under a lack of information, a lack of communication. yet that is what we have to work with all the time. legislators who don't want to talk or who don't have the time to respond to numerous calls, emails, faxes. i am not cut out to be a politician. i cannot make nicey-nice for very long while squashing the negative feelings i've got going on.

we have been waiting, patiently, to get on one committee agenda or another for six weeks now. we only have two weeks left (a few days less than that actually). the committee that we are currently waiting on is the worst one yet. they are supposed to do things in a relatively predictable order, but they simply aren't. or at least they don't appear to be in our case. 

little did i know that our sponsor is doing his absolute best to get us through with as little effort to us as possible. using all of his considerable political influence. this bill is his top priority this legislative session. while i greatly appreciate it, i wish he would communicate just a little bit more. it might have saved me from getting upset today when our bill did not appear on Tuesday's agenda. it seemed that we were getting passed over again. it might have saved me from drafting and sending a blunt (to use C's word) email to the committee chair. and leaving a tearful message on our sponsor's voicemail. 

the truth is that on top of feeling very vulnerable this time, i am now getting anxious and nervous and worried and scared. time is running short. too short for my sanity. we still have another committee to get through. judiciary is busy, busy, busy. plus, they aren't even hardly hearing House bills at this point. if we don't make it through these last two committees in rapid order, we won't go to the full Senate for a vote. without that, it dies where it stands. it will never go to the governor for signing if it doesn't get out of the Senate. we will have to try again in another two years. two years. jesper would now be nearly 6. two years is too long.

if you live in NM, please call your Senator. make this the easiest Yes vote in the legislature this year. if you don't live here, keep us in your thoughts. 

News

i was on the news this evening with my friend, Carin, to talk about the MISSing Angels Bill.

we did well. 

here's the link:  http://www.koat.com/video/18669100/index.html

New Mexico House Bill 196

For those who might be interested or inclined to help:

Many of you know about our efforts at passing the MISSing Angels Bill to establish a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth in New Mexico. It passed in 2007 but was vetoed by the governor. We have not given up our efforts and are once again in full legislative swing to get it passed again and finally signed!

The bill is HB196: http://nmlegis.gov/Sessions/09%20Regular/bills/house/HB0196.pdf

We would very much appreciate it if you could call or fax your legislators to ask them to support this long-overdue bill. If you have any questions, comments or concerns, please feel free to contact me. If you would like to do more than contact your legislators, let me know. We are always looking for more help, especially more people who can be a presence at committee meetings.

Here is where you can locate your legislator: http://nmlegis.gov/lcs/legislatorsearch.aspx

Thank you all so much for your support, not only in this effort, but in our journey through the grief of Jesper's loss.

Call your Senator. Call your Representative.

Call to suppo​rt HR 5979 "​Still​birth​ Aware​ness and Preve​ntion​ Act of 2008.​"
http://www.govtrack.us/congress/billtext.xpd?bill=h110-5979


Call to suppo​rt S 3142 "​Preve​nting​ Still​birth​ and SUID Act of 2008.​"
http://www.govtrack.us/congress/billtext.xpd?bill=s110-3142


These​ are the natio​nal effor​ts to stand​ardiz​e the defin​ition​ of still​birth​ and repor​ting and data colle​ction​.​ To incre​ase aware​ness and educa​tion.​ And to incre​ase resea​rch fundi​ng.​

These​ bills​ need to be passe​d.​ They are long overd​ue.​ Pleas​e help.​

(apparently, the link function on blogger still doesn't work for me. secretly, i think blogger hates me. so you will have to copy and paste these urls instead of actually clicking on the link. sorry.)

it does not rain, but it pours

actually, it is more like the sky simply unzips and dumps all over me. is it raining here? NO! i'm just crazy bus, again.

work that i have been working on is now pushed out for work that they need by monday. (yeah, that call came today.) but i still have to get the other work done soon, as well as, another project that is due soon. but work is good.

i finally have a draft of the legislation to look over. and it looks like i need to have a conversation or two with the drafter.

i have two meetings in albuquerque tomorrow. the first of which has me up by 6:30 and out the door by 7:30. i'm such a morning person, too!

jeff "gets" to spend the day in class with nate tomorrow, which means i had to come up with a yummy and interesting snack for tomorrow. (zucchini sticks, raisin bread and cream cheese sandwiches, and milk.)

and i still have piles of laundry to either do or put away. not to mention, my house is still a serious disaster area. and we have to start getting "winterized" around here soon.

but i did get the bills paid today! so now they won't shut the power off, reposes our car, or foreclose on our house.

so there you go. don't you wish you were me?

is it raining or pouring where you are?