blue

i've been feeling like absolute crap lately. (and i am borrowing my grandmother's favorite swear word as a very mild stand-in for the word that runs through my own head.)

feeling blue. missing jesper terribly.

feeling isolated and lonely, despite getting out of the house nearly every day of the week. too many friends have moved away and now i feel like i'm nearly back to square one in having someone, anyone, i relate to on a close level.

my self-esteem is in the toilet. i'm gaining weight, STILL. not getting enough exercise (ok, not getting any exercise). eating too much and not much of it any good. as a sign that my self-esteem is low, i have stubbed my toes and feet on every piece of furniture in my house. and yesterday i sliced my thumb wide open on a broken glass.

feeling overwhelmed by my disaster of a house. being unable to get on top of the mess that we live in.

feeling overwhelmed and dogged by the emotional baggage left over from willow's birth. and unable to find two spare seconds to deal with it.

i know this is what all parents have to do, but i hate having to choose between my children's emotional health and my own. not to mention the choice between exercise and sleep. (or most things and sleep.) i lose every time. and so does the exercise. (how can i have the energy to exercise if i don't get enough sleep?)

yes, i know that taking care of myself lets me take better care of my children, but there are only 24 hours in the day. on top of beating myself up on my furniture and dishes, we all had a terrible day yesterday. screaming and crying for hours--all of us. but most of the people in the house went to bed early last night (i tried, but couldn't sleep, so i got up and worked on a project online), and at least a couple of us have had a better day today.

so i'm determined to change things. i've started taking my thyroid meds again. (i had taken a break to see if they were really "necessary," and with the weight gain and depression i think they are.) i've started keeping a food diary. i may not eat the absolute best all the time, but the food diary not only holds me accountable but also shows me progress which is a reward in itself. i've started walking more, too. i can't run and i'm no good at swimming, so walking is my exercise. when the construction between my house and nate's school is done (any . . . day . . . now), i am going to start walking him to or from school. and i'm going to dig out some workout videos, too. i don't have to leave my house to get some exercise in, i just have to find the energy and motivation.

and i'm determined to get my house in order. jeff has been helping with the dishes a lot more, and that helps greatly. i'm still doing laundry from our trip, but when that's done i can usually keep on top of it pretty well. i just need to get the rest of the place cleaned up and put in place. my house will never be perfect but when i feel overwhelmed by the mess, it only makes me more depressed and irritable.

one little step at a time. i'm hoping with every little step the rest of the crap will fall away (and maybe some lbs in the process).