too big

the couple that works the sushi counter at my local grocery store love to see willow. she is just too cute. they love to make her smile. today the lady working the deli counter came out to coo at her, too.

"oh, she's so cute. they are both so cute. i have a grandbaby who is 7 mos old. she reminds me so much of my grandbaby."

then the phrase no woman wants to hear--unless of course it is actually true. "oh, are you having another one?"

"um, no."

"oh, well what do you have under your jacket."

"just my boobs."

she was standing behind me looking over my shoulder at the kids, so i'm guessing she mistook my clown boobs for a baby belly. nevermind that the one sitting in the cart chewing on everything in site is only 6 mos old (a fact the lady actually asked about).

this in combination with what my doctor said at my appt on tuesday, "you aren't that big, but your boobs are really big." in a way that makes me feel better.

but in another way, i have to wonder, just how big do your breasts have to get before you are not only mistaken for a pregnant woman (with the boobs playing the part of a baby belly) but that your own doctor, who is supposed to tell you to lose weight, says the bulk of your body is your breasts. however big you have to be to hear those things, that's how big mine are.

clown boobs.
pornographically big.

love-hate

my scale said *holy crap* 213 this morning.

naturally, i'm not in the least bit in love with that number. hate it, in fact. hate it even more that i am gaining weight again. don't believe it when someone says "you always lose weight while breastfeeding." it has never worked as a weight loss tool for me. i find myself STARVING (as in stomach growling, blood sugar crashing, hands shaking hungry) constantly. that's definitely the whole "feeding two people" phenomenon. the bad part is that now i actually weigh more than i did 2 months ago. i lost most of my baby weight (all but about 5 lbs of it), and now i'm watching the scale go back up.

where's the love? i am trying to love myself as i am. that is not to say that i don't need to get up and get my ass moving. but it does mean that in my days of nate and willow chaos, i refuse to beat myself up over the extra weight. heck i can't even manage to shower, shave my legs, and brush my teeth all on the same day. much less keep up with laundry, dishes, toys, and housework all at once. so the chances of me getting out the door to exercise much less have the energy for it are nil.

so i guess i'm giving myself a bit of a break here. not letting myself off the hook as far as watching what i eat (no more haagen daz!), but certainly not pulling out my hair (which is already falling out in handfuls) over a few pounds gained. i'm hopeful that in the next couple of months, as willow gets a bit older and less mama intensive, i can get a leg up not only on my house but myself as well. if for no other reason than i'm tired of having to buy bigger pants!