things i never thought i would think #2

this is just one of the many reasons why i am still working on recovering from willow's birth.

i have delivered three children (which you probably know by now). none of my labors have been natural. none of them have been particularly short or quick. delivery with nate was pretty quick and easy, but from induction to delivery was still many hours.

of all of my labors, willow's was by far the most difficult. jesper's l&d was 36 hours, with 1.5 hours of pushing. willow's was 48 hours with 2.5 hours of pushing.

with jesper, i was completely terrified of having a c-section. i only had one dream when i was pg with him about being pg. it wasn't about having puppies or having a boy vs girl. it was at about 34 weeks. i dreamed that my baby died before being born. that when i went to the hospital to deliver, for some reason i couldn't deliver vaginally and had to have a c-section. that when i woke up in recovery i was told "something went wrong, and we had to take out everything." so you can imagine my fear at the suggestion of a c-section, especially after the first part of the dream had already come true. oh, yes, it was suggested (felt more like a threat at the time). "we'll try labor, but we expect this to be a c-section in the end." i still can't bring myself to recommend that doctor to anyone.

with nate, the spectre of a c-section was no where to be seen. thankfully.

with willow, i didn't think a c-section would be anywhere on the horizon either. but i will admit that after so many hours of hard labor and even more hours of pushing, it showed up again. but instead of it being the suggestion of my doctor, it came from my own head--of all places. i had been pushing for probably 2 hours already, still about 30 minutes from being done, and i thought, "i can't do this. something is wrong. i can't do this. get her out. i want a c-section. i can't do this anymore."

that's right, i thought it. in that moment i wanted a c-section. i had already had that moment of absolute terror when they couldn't find her heartbeat with the external montior. so i already had that fear of losing her hanging around. and i knew my labor was long, that pushing was taking too long and i was not making enough progress.

ultimately, i didn't have a c-section. i was able, finally, to push her out. and i'm happy about that. i am thankful and grateful for the support of my family and health care team (even though, in the moment, i was less than eager to listen). i think with a different team, in a different situation, without everyone pulling for me and having that confidence in me, i might have easily end up with a c-section. because i certainly didn't have the confidence in myself or my abilities at the moment.