high on crack??

we are done. so done. beyond done. done. done. done. having babies, that is. done. no doubts about the doneness of our doneness. (hey if W can make up words, so can i!)

and yet . . .

i feel a certain sense of sadness at being done.

at never getting to feel another baby growing and rolling around in my belly. men don't get this. they can understand it in concept, but not in reality. there is something so absolutely precious and special and, frankly, indescribable about having a life growing inside your own body. the absolute wonder of it.

at never having the chance to give birth again. i have always felt a sense of power and accomplishment in giving birth. i felt it the most with jesper, but certainly some with nate and willow as well. *i* did that. because there was always some part of me that wondered if it was even possible.

at never having the chance to gaze into the face of my newborn again. new babies are amazing creatures. and looking into their faces and making that connection for the first time is truly awesome. to see and meet this person that you created and that you have shared such intimate space with for so many months. and to see the recognition in their eyes of who you are.

at never getting the chance to see my blob of a newborn change into a little person. and, yes, i know that willow is still in the middle of that whole process. and still has far to go.

at never getting a positive home pregnancy test again. the anticipation of a BFP is a double-edged sword. when you are trying and trying and wanting it so badly and getting BFNs for months on end, it is one of the worst feelings on earth. but that one test stick that says YES is instantly exciting and scary and pure happiness. i think if i were to test today, even knowing full well that it would be negative, i would still feel a certain sense of sadness at the negative. psychotic, i know.

at never getting to breast feed another child. i know! i'm barely past the hardest part of nursing with willow. i know! i have, hopefully, another two years or more (please!) of nursing willow. i love nursing my children. i would happily still be nursing nate. i would happily have tandem nursed my children. i love the physical and emotional connection that comes with nursing. it is the next best thing to being pregnant.

i think part of all of this is learning to cope with willow's birth. but also jesper's death and birth. and nate's birth.

i feel a certain sense of failure. not because willow isn't absolutely perfect, but because her labor and delivery weren't. in fact, to me, her delivery was as close to a disaster as i could get without actually having a c-section or losing my child. so i'm sad that i'll never have another chance to "get it right."

but it is also just sadness at the reality of saying goodbye to that part of my life. not that i'm not excited to be done with babies and TTC and being pregnant and diapers and sleeplessness. not that i'm not excited to get on with our lives. not that i'm not excited to be able to start getting rid of all the baby crap and get my house back! but there is still that sense of sadness. will it ever truly go away, or will it always be there, just a little bit?

and every pregnant woman i see or pregnancy that gets announced is, to a certain extent, another reminder of what i will never get to do again. not that i am not happy for anyone. and not that i **really** want to do it again. but there will always be a part of me that is a little teeny bit jealous.

the thing is, i know i'm not alone. i know that women feel these same things every day for different reasons and at different times in their lives.

and i know that my husband thinks i must be smoking some really good crack right about now. but i also know that there is no way he can truly understand, try as he might.


Jesper: April 2003 (41 weeks)



Nate: August 2004 (40 weeks)



Willow: May 2008 (40 weeks)