just breathe

most of our trips in santa fe are not "off the beaten path" in the least. we mostly stick to the places that are found along the several main drags. recently however we went in search of, and found, the optometrist that we went to a few years ago when he was practicing in los alamos. he now practices in santa fe on luisa street--which is off the beaten path, yet the area was oddly familiar.

it wasn't until we got to the intersection of alta vista and luisa that it became very clear as to why it was familiar. that's where the funeral home is located. i've only been there once--to pick up jesper's ashes. i remember carrying his very simple urn out in a white bag. i remember the director of the funeral home being very nice. we did not have to pay for anything. he said, "you've already been through too much." these are memories that i carry with me. jeff doesn't even share the memory of carrying our son out in a bag; my mom was the one with me on that trip--i don't remember why and actually wish he had been with me. so i carry this one alone.

it still surprises me that more than 5 years later, something so seemingly simple can cause such a large shock to my system bringing tears with it. out of the blue.

i'm of two minds. if this building were on a route that i drive often, i might have gotten used to seeing it by now. on the other hand, if it were on a route that i drive often, it could hurt just as bad every single time. in which case, i probably would have found a way around it by now.

at any rate, it hurt. (took my breath away actually.) i'll have to see it a few more times this year and probably for years to come. so i guess i'll get to test the theory. but i'm not looking forward to it, and i may very well find an alternate route to the optometrist's office.