still?

nearly 4 months have passed since willow was born and i still haven't been able to process all of the emotional baggage that came with her delivery. tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks. i cried most of the drive home from albuquerque tonight. it still feels so fresh.

combined with that is the absolute disbelief that my tiny little baby is no longer so tiny. i miss it already, and it makes me very sad. i love her as she is, but i miss that soft little squishy ball of baby that came home with me. not that i didn't treasure every moment i could, but i want to go back and spend all of my waking moments (and even a healthy portion of the ones when i should have been sleeping) snuggling and gazing and loving and memorizing that little body and face.

as part of my healing process i will be writing letters to those with whom i have bones to pick. getting it out so that it doesn't eat me alive. i just need to find the time somewhere in my day for me.