Failure

why is it that even after 4 years i still feel like such a failure when it comes to Jesper. i've failed myself, Jeff, Jesper, and even Nate. i still feel guilty over something that, intellectually, i know i could not have changed. and i still feel like a complete failure.

this year might be worse because we are trying to get pregnant again. and i seem to be failing at that month after month after month.

and it doesn't seem to matter how much Jeff tells me i didn't fail. there is still that part of me that screams "FAILURE!"

i think this is the thing people really don't understand. they can understand the sadness and the pain, but those should fade with time and other events. they do not get the overwhelming sense of guilt and failure. they don't see it. they can't understand it at all. why would i feel guilty over something that wasn't a result of anything i did or didn't do? why would i feel like a failure when it was so clearly out of my control?

why? because he was inside **my** body at the time of his death. i was the one person on this earth who was charged with nurturing him, giving him what he needed, protecting him. i should have known something was wrong, i should have been able to do something about it. plus, i did know that something wasn't right, but i didn't know what. i didn't know what the things i felt—or didn't feel—meant. i should have. i should have done more research. i should have been doing kick counts. i should have made my concerns more clear. i should have shouted from the rooftop in order to be heard. but i didn't. i sat back and let it happen. worried about labor. didn't worry enough when he was so quiet.

even Jeff doesn't understand. but he didn't carry our son in his body.

so there you go. i'm a failure. i failed everyone. and i don't really care if anyone understands it or not. it is almost impossible to explain it so that others can understand. so i don't try. i just keep it to myself. but it is always there. just like the tears.