41 weeks + 7 years

it is hard to believe that after 7 years i still relive the last days of my baby boy with such vivid clarity. it doesn't hurt quite as much now, in some ways. but some things still hang around.

i wish more women would see the gifts of a pregnancy for what they are. those final days when they are *so ready* to be done with pregnancy and *just* have their baby--as if a pregnancy always means a healthy baby. those are the days i relive so clearly. not just the ones where i had a sneaking suspicion that everything was not ok, but the ones where he was anticipated with joy and excitement and such high hopes. i loved those days. i love them even more now. i recognize them as the gift they were. i did not wish them away then--he wasn't *allowed* to come before his due date because my parents couldn't get here before then. i would not wish them away now, even though now they are accompanied by the pain of loss and the longing of what will never be.

7 years has given me some healing, some extra coping abilities, some strength, and probably most importantly some perspective. thank you, my peanut, for all of those gifts and for choosing me. i love you, and i miss you every second, every minute, every day.