do i O-ffend??

apparently, i do.

october is not just about breast cancer awareness. it is also about pregnancy, infant, and child loss awareness. october 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (though i think the name has actually been changed).

this year, i joined a movement called "I am the face." i love this movement because it really does put a face on miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. mine. i am proud to be my son's mother. i am honored that he chose me. i cannot imagine my life without him in it. i cannot imagine my family without him in it. and, more importantly, i wouldn't want to. in honor of *i am the face,* on october 15th i made HIS face my profile picture on facebook. it wasn't the first time i have put his face forward in that venue. it won't be the last.

part of my goal after Jesper's death has been to make it okay for women to "grieve out loud." no one should have to walk this torturous path alone. no one should have to hide this kind of loss. it should not be shameful. it should not be a secret. the best likeness i have found is the one to cancer. it used to be that people whispered "cancer" for fear of it coming home to themselves. we all know that is a superstition. whispering it doesn't keep it at bay. the same thing is done with the loss of a pregnancy or child. it is spoken of in whispered, hushed voices for fear of it happening to yourself. but what is the actual effect of keeping it secret, whispering of our loss, for the sake of superstition? it makes it shameful. this one thing that we often have so little control of, that doctors are often so clueless about, this miracle that is life. a pregnancy doesn't always mean a baby growing up in your home; that is a fact of life.

it is a natural inclination, to keep a loss to yourself. it hurts, and sometimes it seems easier to not put that pain out in the wind for everyone to see and comment about. to suffer in silence. silence is encouraged by medical professionals. "brush it off. it happens all the time. try again. have another." they belittle the loss and the pain and the impact.

unfortunately, this problem, this issue, isn't going to go away anytime soon. death is a part of life. death after a long, happy life. death in the middle of a full life. and death before life has even really begun. they are all a part of the process.

"death comes for us all. even for kings he comes." (robert bolt)

but none of those things i *know* make it easier to cope with the death of my son. they have not made the last 7 years hurt less.

i have previously been thanked for making my grief so public. it has made it okay for someone else to grieve their loss. it has broken the silence for more than just myself.

this time around, i apparently offended a few people.

in the past, in a setting where i know there are pregnant ladies who don't know me, i have not gone out of my way to make a big deal out of my loss. i want people to be aware that it can happen; i don't want to freak people out. it is a delicate balance.

i say, "who don't know me" because i kind of figure if you've known me for a while, you know my history, it shouldn't freak you out. aware, yes. scared, no. i've always said, "there things you can do to prevent it. you should know the facts. don't be complacent."

recently, someone that i know "unfriended" me on facebook. i sent her a message asking what happened. she wrote back telling me that the problem was my profile picture, which *that day* (oct. 15) i happened to have changed to Jesper's picture. but she had unfriended me days or even weeks before that. she said she is having a hard pregnancy and she needs to keep negativity and pain away from her to make it through. she is someone that i don't really know that well. so be it. i let it go. i also let go the time lapse between being unfriended, posting Jesper's picture, and then using it as the reason.

it bothered me that she also mentioned the impact his picture and my loss was having on my pregnant friend[s]. either she was hiding behind the royal "we" or there was more than one person, and they had been comparing notes. there is only one person (that i know of) who is also currently pregnant that we have in common, so i sent a message to that other person asking if everything was ok between us.

she wrote me back a very long, well-worded, heart-felt message about the difficult pregnancy she is coping with and how she needs to keep to herself to keep other people's stress and problems away from herself. it is insulating; they are both doing it. it is a legitimate form of protecting yourself from the world around you.

i understand a scary, stressful pregnancy probably better than most. i get it. i know plenty of women who take the world's problems on themselves. they read "what to expect . . . " and think each of those things *is* going to happen to them. they can't let themselves get a doppler because every time they use it and don't find baby's heartbeat right away they would panic. there are definitely two kinds of people in this manner, and i am not that kind. i don't know how i would have survived nate and willow if i had been that kind of person. instead i have been gifted with the ability to compartmentalize other people's problems. "that isn't the issue that is affecting me." i do it with information. it is another form of insulating.

the difference is that i can hear another's issues and not take them on myself. they, apparently, cannot even hear the problems to begin with because they can't compartmentalize after the fact. so be it. i can't control them or their reactions. i can't determine how they are going to deal with information. and there in lies one of my problems with the whole situation.

**i can't control how they are going to react to things.** so does that mean i am supposed to change my actions or words for them? they are only two. they do not outnumber the ones who have given thanks for the ability to grieve out loud. while i don't want to go out of my way to hurt my friends, i'm not okay with the end result of their request. they are asking me to keep it a secret. to whisper it in their presence. they are telling me it is not okay to grieve out loud. not only am i the face, but mine is the voice. i will not, should not, cannot keep it a secret.

i consider Jesper's picture a part of it all. i am proud of my son. i am so proud that i don't think displaying his picture is wrong. he is my son; it is my picture. it happens to be one of the few pictures i have of him. i display his pictures the same way i display pictures of nate and willow. i am equally proud and honored to be nate and willow's mom. to me they are no different. they are all my babies. they are all beautiful and magical. they have all made me the mom and woman i am today. i would not change their existence for my life. i would and will defend them all equally.

what eats at me the most about the email from my friend is the judgement in it. she doesn't feel it is *appropriate* for me to use Jesper's picture because it disturbs people. it bothers her, but it also bothers her friends and family who see my comments on her posts or even her friends' posts. it effects people who have suffered a loss of their own and who are having a very hard time coping with it. i am not sorry for putting his face up on facebook. i do not think it is inappropriate for me to display his picture.

"my job is to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable."

i live by the idea that if you don't live in my house, you don't get a vote. i give it out as advice all the time to people who ask how to handle unsolicited advice on a number of topics. basically, you have to do what you feel is right for you, for your children, for your family, for your home. those not directly involved don't get a say in what happens in your home. well, these two don't get a vote. i have to do what i feel is best for my family and for the goals that have become ours since Jesper's death. they don't get to pass judgement on my life.

[if i regret anything at all, it is hurting those who have suffered too. but to them i would say, "let it out." find someone to talk to. don't keep it in. it festers. it infects. it only makes it more difficult to cope when you do it in secret, in silence.]

more than one person would say they are not asking me to keep it a secret, they are simply asking me not to talk about it around them. but that is basically a case of "not in my backyard." if i let one person shut me up, then i might as well let every person shut me up. it isn't like they don't know me. they've heard about Jesper at times other than when they were pregnant. i wasn't asked to keep silent then, only now because they are pregnant. so if talking about it and seeing his picture bothers them, does seeing me bother them? aren't *i* a reminder of him and what happened? does my mere presence in the room make them uncomfortable?

death is not a comfortable subject, especially the death of a child. but it is my reality. i don't ask them to not talk about their reality, so how is it okay for them to ask it of me? Jesper is not the only topic i ever talk about. as moms, we talk about anything from baby poo to the color of the sky. we have lively and rich and informative discussions. i don't throw my loss in people's faces, but i don't shy away from saying i have 3 children. i don't pull punches very often. i'm sorry if that offends or scares others.

and lastly, i think, one of the other things that bothers me about both of these emails has been the fact that they both referred to Jesper as "a stillborn." not my stillborn child/baby/son. just a stillborn. there isn't much in this life that will genuinely offend me. i let a whole lot of things slide right off. most things aren't worth the effort of getting upset about. this is one exception. let me make this clear: my son is not *a stillborn.* he is not the sum total of the result of his birth. he is my son. my child. my precious, first born baby. he is a person to me now, as he has been from the very beginning. i am his mother. i *wanted* him long before he was conceived. i was soul-shattered when he died in my body; i still am. i will never be a whole person again. there will forever be a piece of me missing, and i am glad for it. do not ever call my son a piece of meat. i know that is the term many medical professionals use and because of that many people think it is okay to use it, too. it is offensive and demeaning and belittling. and i guarantee if someone ever used a term like that to describe your child, you would have their head for it.

yes, i realize that they most likely did not intend to offend me. they used that term because someone else did and they thought it was okay. it is not okay, and knowing me they should know that.

[as a side note, there was once upon a time when i asked someone to be aware of what she was saying in "mixed company." she was accidentally pregnant when i was so desperately trying to get pregnant. every time i saw her she complained about her pregnancy and couldn't wait for it to be over. i didn't ask her to stop talking about her pregnancy, i simply asked her to stop and think about what she was saying. it hurt me. partly because i was having problems getting pregnant and partly because she was missing out on the opportunity of the child she was growing. *heaven forbid* anything should happen to that child and the only time she had with her was the time in her belly. what would she take back if she could? would she wish for that time again to cherish and love that baby for as long as she had? i hoped she would understand. that she would stop and see the time and the love she was giving away with her child. she did not. she turned it back around on me and told me that i wasn't being supportive.

i can definitely see the similarities in the two situations. i'm not sure i could tell you where the line is that makes it ok for me to ask one person to watch her words, but not to take the same advice when it is asked of me. i know the death of my child is not a trump card. it doesn't make me right in all cases. and maybe i am in the wrong on one of these. i don't know. maybe i can't see it because i am angry and hurt by the most recent issue. the judgement bothers me. the fact that they both used such a derogatory term for my son bothers me.]

in the end, the truth is i had not intended to leave his picture up for more than that day. it was up for all of 48 hours because we were going camping and i got busy. so it feels like a whole lot of judgement and hurt for such a little thing. i don't think it is a crime to have used his picture on that day. i'll probably use it again on his birthday. and a big part of me wants to say, "if it offends you, don't look at it." ultimately, i can't control how someone else is going to feel or how they are going to mentally use his image when they see it. that has to be on them.