we failed again this year to get the missing angels bill passed. not only failed, but didn't even make it out of the first committee. regardless of what anyone thinks or says, i feel like it is my fault. i got very nervous and didn't present our case very clearly at all. not sure i answered questions right. i feel guilty. it is the only time i've ever had to do it alone. without Carin. and i feel like i let her down in a huge way. as i watched in absolute horror, the bill was blithely tabled as if it effected no one. i was distraught enough to make the governor's security detail nervous when i went up to see Keith after the committee meeting. i'm still pissed. i'm growing to very much dislike some of the legislators who are elected to office in this state. so much changed this year, too. new governor. new sponsor. and very soon a new representative. i won't quit, but i can't say i'm going to come out of the other side of this process with the same faith in people i had before.
this #8 feels odd for other reasons, too. Willow is starting to talk about Jesper a lot. we talk about how he is and always will be a baby. and of course babies need to have nur-nur (that's what she calls nursing). sometimes she will tell me that Jesper nur-nur's on her "ipple." i gently correct her and say that he was her brother. that someday she will nur-nur her own babies on her ipple, but that he is my baby.
three seems to be the popular number around here these days. feels like everyone either has 3, is having #3, or wants 3. sometimes i want 3, too. or is it that i just want #1 back, so that my set of 3 is complete? either way, it is a tiny stab of hurt when someone else has 3, and i have to learn to live with my incomplete set.
in january, my friend and midwife, Jinny died from cancer. she was a wonderful, amazing, strong, vibrant, funny, profound woman. i'm so glad that two of my babies were cared for by her. i feel blessed and privileged. i will miss her; i'm not alone in that, though. i miss her a lot right now in a way that probably not too many share with me.
since it is april, Jesper is on my mind and my heart a great deal right now. i'm reliving the last days and weeks of my pregnancy and his life. this is nothing new. i do it every year. tied in with my thoughts of him, however, are thoughts of the others involved in this little drama. Jinny, Sonja, Jeff, my parents, and so on. there aren't too many people in the world who knew Jesper. Jinny and Sonja are really the only ones other than Jeff and i who interacted with him on a regular basis. and now one of the few is gone, too. that hurts. in missing him, i miss her. in missing her, i miss him. he seems somehow diminished on this earth because there is one less person who remembers him with me.
one thing is constant, though. every year rolls by without fail. and every year brings me to a new place.
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