accident in the making

i feel like a walking disaster area these days. **make way, people!** this one could crash any moment. CAUTION! bring out the orange cones and road flares.

things seem to be happening all at once these days. weeks are filled to the brim with activities. heck some days are done at an all-out run. his activities, her activities, my commitments, jeff on travel, all topped off with appointments for this person or that. in all of the scheduling chaos, one date confronts me and i can't cope.

i stand there frozen in willow's classroom. trying to work out in my head which day we can fulfill our school work credits. 4 days are possible. 3 are insanely busy already. jeff is still on travel for 1. and then there is *that* day. the one day that isn't filled with crazy is one little boy's birthday. his day. my day. our day. no one else's day.

but standing there, having to explain it to someone, leaves me speechless.

and it isn't just the one thing that is trying to occupy that space. there is a town-wide clean up that day, too. someone wants the scouts of our pack to take part. they need an organizer, and if i can't find someone to volunteer for it, i know it will expected of me. i simply can not. some might say, "you can put it together without actually being there to do it." except, no. i do not want to get anywhere near organizing this event for the pack. if i agree to it, i know i will be faced with that date over and over again. emails and information about it will involve writing that date.

frozen. speechless. cannot bring myself to explain why i simply am*not*capable.

after 9 years you would think it would be easy enough to just deal with it. that a date wouldn't stop me in my tracks and leave me breathless, speechless, and in tears. part of me says, "this is stupid. it is just a date." but that isn't the way it works in the moment.

i think it might be time to admit that the someday when i'm not affected by it will never come. and i'm not sure i want it to anyway. so then, it must be time to embrace it, own it, fess up—even if it is done in tears.