nearly 4 months have passed since willow was born and i still haven't been able to process all of the emotional baggage that came with her delivery. tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks. i cried most of the drive home from albuquerque tonight. it still feels so fresh.
combined with that is the absolute disbelief that my tiny little baby is no longer so tiny. i miss it already, and it makes me very sad. i love her as she is, but i miss that soft little squishy ball of baby that came home with me. not that i didn't treasure every moment i could, but i want to go back and spend all of my waking moments (and even a healthy portion of the ones when i should have been sleeping) snuggling and gazing and loving and memorizing that little body and face.
as part of my healing process i will be writing letters to those with whom i have bones to pick. getting it out so that it doesn't eat me alive. i just need to find the time somewhere in my day for me.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
golden math
+ 2 – 1
we are testing the new golden math right now. jeff left for a business trip yesterday. our first our-of-town-overnight trip since willow was born. he comes back friday.
we will pass this test if jeff finds a sane wife and two living children at home waiting for him.
so far, so good. we kept pretty busy yesterday . . . school, lunch date, play date, swimming, early bedtime for both kids. today we have a playdate and possibly a trip to albuquerque this evening. tomorrow we have school again. then papa comes home.
actually, it is a bit more mellow here without papa. but don't tell him that because we love him and rely on him greatly and we don't know what we would do without him.
we are testing the new golden math right now. jeff left for a business trip yesterday. our first our-of-town-overnight trip since willow was born. he comes back friday.
we will pass this test if jeff finds a sane wife and two living children at home waiting for him.
so far, so good. we kept pretty busy yesterday . . . school, lunch date, play date, swimming, early bedtime for both kids. today we have a playdate and possibly a trip to albuquerque this evening. tomorrow we have school again. then papa comes home.
actually, it is a bit more mellow here without papa. but don't tell him that because we love him and rely on him greatly and we don't know what we would do without him.
too much
this morning nate says . . .
mama, Martin H****** needs to stop making higher taxes!
he was pretty mad about it, too. lots of feeling there. more than i have, for sure.
so is it too much TV? or simply too many political ads? they feed right into my 4yo's budding sense of right and wrong.
mama, Martin H****** needs to stop making higher taxes!
he was pretty mad about it, too. lots of feeling there. more than i have, for sure.
so is it too much TV? or simply too many political ads? they feed right into my 4yo's budding sense of right and wrong.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
context
ahhhh, politics.
recently, Fernando C' de Baca, a republican party chair in one NM county, was interviewed by the BBC. in at least one interview (there apparently was a second interview in which he said basically the same thing), he said:
"The truth is that Hispanics came here as conquerors," he said. "African-Americans came here as slaves.
"Hispanics consider themselves above blacks. They won't vote for a black president."
ooook. take that as you will.
here's the thing . . . in an interview specifically about his comments, he said, "that was taken out of context." (naturally, "out of context" is a person's way of saying, "you are twisting my words for your own purposes.")
really? is there a context where that wouldn't make him sound like an ignorant racist? i can't thing of one.
recently, Fernando C' de Baca, a republican party chair in one NM county, was interviewed by the BBC. in at least one interview (there apparently was a second interview in which he said basically the same thing), he said:
"The truth is that Hispanics came here as conquerors," he said. "African-Americans came here as slaves.
"Hispanics consider themselves above blacks. They won't vote for a black president."
ooook. take that as you will.
here's the thing . . . in an interview specifically about his comments, he said, "that was taken out of context." (naturally, "out of context" is a person's way of saying, "you are twisting my words for your own purposes.")
really? is there a context where that wouldn't make him sound like an ignorant racist? i can't thing of one.
Monday, September 22, 2008
think pink
anyone seen the recent Sweet & Low commercial with regis philbin?
"if i wanted my coffee to taste like sugar, i'd use sugar. . . . i want my coffee to taste like this . . . S&L . . . i want it to have that extra pop of sweetness, that extra zing of flavor. to me . . . S&L tastes better than sugar."
yeah, that "extra zing of flavor" is called an AFTERTASTE!
seriously? are we selling a chemical aftertaste as a **feature** now?
"if i wanted my coffee to taste like sugar, i'd use sugar. . . . i want my coffee to taste like this . . . S&L . . . i want it to have that extra pop of sweetness, that extra zing of flavor. to me . . . S&L tastes better than sugar."
yeah, that "extra zing of flavor" is called an AFTERTASTE!
seriously? are we selling a chemical aftertaste as a **feature** now?
Sunday, September 21, 2008
dreaming of you
these days i'm so exhausted that when i finally crawl into bed i fall asleep almost instantly, and though i'm sure i dream, i have no recollection of my dreams.
so imagine my surprise to actually remember a dream this morning. i was even more surprised to remember that i was having a dream about a high school classmate of mine. i have no idea what the dream was about. i only remember waking up with him on my mind.
we certainly knew each other. in a class of 58 it is hard to say you don't know someone. but i would go so far as to say we were friends. so i find it a bit weird that he would show up in my dream out of the blue.
anyway, where ever you are, E, i hope you are doing well.
so imagine my surprise to actually remember a dream this morning. i was even more surprised to remember that i was having a dream about a high school classmate of mine. i have no idea what the dream was about. i only remember waking up with him on my mind.
we certainly knew each other. in a class of 58 it is hard to say you don't know someone. but i would go so far as to say we were friends. so i find it a bit weird that he would show up in my dream out of the blue.
anyway, where ever you are, E, i hope you are doing well.
Monday, September 15, 2008
22 months
that's how long it took me to notice that AOL has been charging me for an account i do not actually have. 22 months. i feel like a total idiot.
every time i saw the charge on my credit card i mistakenly thought it was for something that i had legitimately signed up for. the charge shows up as TWX*AOL. since i have never had an AOL account (and never would have --i HATE AOL and always have) i just thought it was something else. it is not uncommon at all to charge at one place only to have the name of the charge show up as something else altogether. parent companies, acronyms, and such.
so tonight in our dissecting of the bill we noticed it and could not for the life of us figure out what that $21.95 charge was for. spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out what it could be. this? no. that? no. the other? no. what the hell? so jeff called the number that was listed on the bill. sure enough . . . AOL. now we've progressed to "what the f***k?"
they are sending me some paperwork to fill out in order to get a refund. nearly $500 over the last two years. see, i'm an idiot for not catching it sooner. but it wasn't like i was expecting it, either.
also called the credit card company to report the fraud. at first, they told me they'd have to shut down the card number and send us new ones. which brings up an interesting point, WE JUST GOT NEW CARD NUMBERS! the charge shows up on the old number and somehow transfered to the new card number without any input from me. the woman on the phone said, "some recurring charges just transfer over." really? because when the new cards came i actually had to change all of my other accounts to reflect the new card number or the charges would have been bounced. so how does that work exactly? "oh, i should say, AOL charges do that." um yeah. i'm thinking maybe that's a problem. especially considering the fraud that AOL is pulling on people. oh, i'm not alone.
in my efforts to find out what the charge was i put "twx aol service" into google. guess what came up first in the list? "TWX*AOL fraud charges." whoops! i guess it's a chronic issue over there at AOL.
so here's my warning: beware the AOL! and if you see a charge on your card that looks funky (mind you i didn't think it was funky all those months) check into it.
(i'm beginning to think that comcast is the one who signed us up for an account. the charges start appearing about the same time as our cable modem. will have to look into that . . . . )
every time i saw the charge on my credit card i mistakenly thought it was for something that i had legitimately signed up for. the charge shows up as TWX*AOL. since i have never had an AOL account (and never would have --i HATE AOL and always have) i just thought it was something else. it is not uncommon at all to charge at one place only to have the name of the charge show up as something else altogether. parent companies, acronyms, and such.
so tonight in our dissecting of the bill we noticed it and could not for the life of us figure out what that $21.95 charge was for. spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out what it could be. this? no. that? no. the other? no. what the hell? so jeff called the number that was listed on the bill. sure enough . . . AOL. now we've progressed to "what the f***k?"
they are sending me some paperwork to fill out in order to get a refund. nearly $500 over the last two years. see, i'm an idiot for not catching it sooner. but it wasn't like i was expecting it, either.
also called the credit card company to report the fraud. at first, they told me they'd have to shut down the card number and send us new ones. which brings up an interesting point, WE JUST GOT NEW CARD NUMBERS! the charge shows up on the old number and somehow transfered to the new card number without any input from me. the woman on the phone said, "some recurring charges just transfer over." really? because when the new cards came i actually had to change all of my other accounts to reflect the new card number or the charges would have been bounced. so how does that work exactly? "oh, i should say, AOL charges do that." um yeah. i'm thinking maybe that's a problem. especially considering the fraud that AOL is pulling on people. oh, i'm not alone.
in my efforts to find out what the charge was i put "twx aol service" into google. guess what came up first in the list? "TWX*AOL fraud charges." whoops! i guess it's a chronic issue over there at AOL.
so here's my warning: beware the AOL! and if you see a charge on your card that looks funky (mind you i didn't think it was funky all those months) check into it.
(i'm beginning to think that comcast is the one who signed us up for an account. the charges start appearing about the same time as our cable modem. will have to look into that . . . . )
and on that subject . . .
so i have this issue on the topic of "getting rid of baby stuff." it is an issue not many share. unfortunately, i know more than my fair share of those that do.
i have the snow suit we bought for jesper. nate wore it once. willow will, in theory, be able to wear it this winter. i can't decide whether i should keep it for her or send it to my nephew. it is fairly "boyish"--blue and green with a bear on it--but not overly so. the problem is not so much whether it is boyish or not, the problem is who i bought it for. i have what some would consider an overly emotional attachment to the things i bought for him. i have managed to part with most of the things that were his. there are a few things i am keeping. things that nate wore, things that willow wore. i have passed on the other things to special people in my life. usually i tell them that they are getting something that was jesper's so that they know what it means to me that they are getting it in the first place.
it is hard to part with things. but hard to convince myself to keep them, too. they are just clothes. they are meant to be worn. keeping them doesn't bring him back. and it isn't as if i'm not keeping anything. i am keeping plenty. but it is still so hard to part with all the little bits.
soon enough this problem will be put to sleep. willow will no longer be in the size range of things we had bought for jesper. after all, we didn't buy things beyond about 9 mos. but for now, it is an issue that tears me up.
funny that something so seemingly inconsequential can have such an impact.
i have the snow suit we bought for jesper. nate wore it once. willow will, in theory, be able to wear it this winter. i can't decide whether i should keep it for her or send it to my nephew. it is fairly "boyish"--blue and green with a bear on it--but not overly so. the problem is not so much whether it is boyish or not, the problem is who i bought it for. i have what some would consider an overly emotional attachment to the things i bought for him. i have managed to part with most of the things that were his. there are a few things i am keeping. things that nate wore, things that willow wore. i have passed on the other things to special people in my life. usually i tell them that they are getting something that was jesper's so that they know what it means to me that they are getting it in the first place.
it is hard to part with things. but hard to convince myself to keep them, too. they are just clothes. they are meant to be worn. keeping them doesn't bring him back. and it isn't as if i'm not keeping anything. i am keeping plenty. but it is still so hard to part with all the little bits.
soon enough this problem will be put to sleep. willow will no longer be in the size range of things we had bought for jesper. after all, we didn't buy things beyond about 9 mos. but for now, it is an issue that tears me up.
funny that something so seemingly inconsequential can have such an impact.
how do you . . .
get things out of your house? when you are done with them and they are just taking up space?
i have oodles of baby stuff. who doesn't, right? i'm sending some clothes to my brother for his new baby boy. i'm sending some to a friend in oregon who just had a little girl. some is going to a couple of friends here in NM who are having their own little boys and girls.
i also have oodles of kid stuff. again, who doesn't? i'd love to sell some of nate's old clothes at the LFP Resale, but i'm going to be gone that weekend! argh! and, no, a yardsale is not in my future. (sorry, lisa!) i'd keep it for my nephew, but we are talking 3 years of keeping!
so how do *you* get rid of the stuff you don't want or need anymore?
i have oodles of baby stuff. who doesn't, right? i'm sending some clothes to my brother for his new baby boy. i'm sending some to a friend in oregon who just had a little girl. some is going to a couple of friends here in NM who are having their own little boys and girls.
i also have oodles of kid stuff. again, who doesn't? i'd love to sell some of nate's old clothes at the LFP Resale, but i'm going to be gone that weekend! argh! and, no, a yardsale is not in my future. (sorry, lisa!) i'd keep it for my nephew, but we are talking 3 years of keeping!
so how do *you* get rid of the stuff you don't want or need anymore?
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Ditch the Disposables
so i'm doing this challenge. (thanks, chelle!) trying to reduce the amount of disposable items we use around here.
http://crunchydomesticgoddess.com/2008/08/31/ditch-the-disposables-challenge-sept-thru-oct-2008/
things i already do:
* cloth diapers (or biodegradable diapers when not cloth)
* washcloths instead of baby wipes (though we also use disposable baby wipes quite a bit--they are so dang useful and handy!!)
* sealable glass jars instead of plastic bags (though we use a fair amount of bags, too, because it is just too dry around here)
* cloth towels/sponges instead of paper towels (i know technicaly sponges are disposable, but i put them in the dishwasher and they stay around my kitchen FOREVER, so they are really not more disposable than a cloth washrag in my house)
* reusable beverage containers (when i remember to take them with me!)
* cloth bags instead of grocery store bags (when i remember to put them in the car!)
things i'm trying to change:
* paper plates to my own dishes
* flannel cloths instead of puffs tissues
* paper napkins to cloth napkins (this will require the addition of some cloth napkins to my small collection. i might even try making my own if i can find a fabric i like.)
things i'm not trying but think are great ideas:
* cloth diapers instead of swiffer pads (i'll probably do this when i'm done using the diapers for their intended purpose)
* disposable feminine products (though i don't need these items at this point, even when i do i'm not sure i have the confidence in the cups and i *hate* pads.)
* toilet paper to cloth wipes/washcloths (since i already launder diapers i don't know that this would be too much of a stretch, but i don't know that i'm up for it either.)
but i'm also, as i mentioned last night, looking into replacing my trash bags. and trying to be more conscious of the things i buy and their packaging. things like buying cereal that comes in only a bag . . . no box . . . less waste. and various other areas of our daily lives.
anyway, this should be interesting and possibly challenging. i don't know if i'll be able to get the guys in the house to join me or not, but we'll try. and maybe you'll join me!
http://crunchydomesticgoddess.com/2008/08/31/ditch-the-disposables-challenge-sept-thru-oct-2008/
things i already do:
* cloth diapers (or biodegradable diapers when not cloth)
* washcloths instead of baby wipes (though we also use disposable baby wipes quite a bit--they are so dang useful and handy!!)
* sealable glass jars instead of plastic bags (though we use a fair amount of bags, too, because it is just too dry around here)
* cloth towels/sponges instead of paper towels (i know technicaly sponges are disposable, but i put them in the dishwasher and they stay around my kitchen FOREVER, so they are really not more disposable than a cloth washrag in my house)
* reusable beverage containers (when i remember to take them with me!)
* cloth bags instead of grocery store bags (when i remember to put them in the car!)
things i'm trying to change:
* paper plates to my own dishes
* flannel cloths instead of puffs tissues
* paper napkins to cloth napkins (this will require the addition of some cloth napkins to my small collection. i might even try making my own if i can find a fabric i like.)
things i'm not trying but think are great ideas:
* cloth diapers instead of swiffer pads (i'll probably do this when i'm done using the diapers for their intended purpose)
* disposable feminine products (though i don't need these items at this point, even when i do i'm not sure i have the confidence in the cups and i *hate* pads.)
* toilet paper to cloth wipes/washcloths (since i already launder diapers i don't know that this would be too much of a stretch, but i don't know that i'm up for it either.)
but i'm also, as i mentioned last night, looking into replacing my trash bags. and trying to be more conscious of the things i buy and their packaging. things like buying cereal that comes in only a bag . . . no box . . . less waste. and various other areas of our daily lives.
anyway, this should be interesting and possibly challenging. i don't know if i'll be able to get the guys in the house to join me or not, but we'll try. and maybe you'll join me!
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