41 weeks + 7 years

it is hard to believe that after 7 years i still relive the last days of my baby boy with such vivid clarity. it doesn't hurt quite as much now, in some ways. but some things still hang around.

i wish more women would see the gifts of a pregnancy for what they are. those final days when they are *so ready* to be done with pregnancy and *just* have their baby--as if a pregnancy always means a healthy baby. those are the days i relive so clearly. not just the ones where i had a sneaking suspicion that everything was not ok, but the ones where he was anticipated with joy and excitement and such high hopes. i loved those days. i love them even more now. i recognize them as the gift they were. i did not wish them away then--he wasn't *allowed* to come before his due date because my parents couldn't get here before then. i would not wish them away now, even though now they are accompanied by the pain of loss and the longing of what will never be.

7 years has given me some healing, some extra coping abilities, some strength, and probably most importantly some perspective. thank you, my peanut, for all of those gifts and for choosing me. i love you, and i miss you every second, every minute, every day.

breathless

sitting there on the plane. late at night. jeff sleeping by the window. nate sleeping on the seat in between us. willow sleeping in my arms.

there he is again. my beautiful, quiet, missing boy. his face with little blond pigtails. sleeping so peacefully.

every time i see it, it leaves me breathless.

whoa, 6 months?

has it really been that long? i guess so. i have a ton of posts waiting to go up, waiting for pictures. i will endeavor to get them up in the next few weeks. and i will make a pointed effort to get up all the new stuff, too.

but for now, good night.

other crafting projects

1st birthday

birthday girl and brother

with mamaD and papaD

Happy 1st Birthday Willow!

happy birthday dinner

the prop makes it official, right?

SOCCER!

in the beginning, things were slow

thumbs up!

action shot

Nate (with a chance shot of Papa in the background)

cheering section

10 months

9 months

driving in my car

new dolly

girly-girl with her dolly

Nate likes it, too

Keith Gardner Fan Club

january brought us back to the Roundhouse trying to get the MISSing Angels Bill passed for our babies again. once again it did not get through for petty political reasons. we will try again. we will keep trying until it does get passed. this year we had a picture taken.

Halo and Willow

Carin and Camar

the girls were real troupers this year. camar is old enough to know that she didn't want to be contained. to willow it was just another floor, but it meant a distracted mama, trips in the car, and difficulty napping. the girls got lots of attention, though!

could this be a glimpse of the future? he could certainly do no worse than the people who currently occupy this chair.

the boys were troupers, too. they were without their moms far too much. i know nate kept asking if he could come with me. i could not think of anything more taxing for either of us than to have him with me waiting around in the hallway for hours and hours on end. so the compromise was that we took the boys to see the roundhouse after the session had ended. (nate actually went with me during the 2007 session, but he doesn't remember that at this point.)

this is also my chance to say a very big thank you to my friends in los alamos and my husband. without ann and amy being so willing to watch nate at a moment's notice (and even take him to school one morning), the scary idea of taking him with me would have become a tortured reality. so, thank you! i hope with every fiber of my being that the 3rd time is the charm on this.