Representation

what does it mean to 'represent' another person? to act or speak for another person; that's what the dictionary says. if you are a state legislator, would that or should that change your definition of represent? i don't think it should.

so if you took a need to your legislator–your representative–and asked them for help getting something changed, don't you think they should? if you went to your legislator with a bill already drafted and asked them to support it and advocate for it on your behalf, don't you think they should?

i know a certain legislator–Representative Jeanette Wallace–who has maybe lost the meaning of the word 'represent'. my representative couldn't care less about me.

i went to her in 2004 and asked her to help me fix how the state deals with stillbirth. i believe she told me to take it up with the county, as if they have any control over the procedures. so basically, she did nothing.

in 2007 and 2009, i went to her and asked her to support and advocate the bill that we have been trying to get passed. i wanted to ask her in person. she would not see me. before you say, "well, during the session she's very busy. not in los alamos very much." i was at the capitol. i was standing in her office. she still would not see me. i could not even get 5 minutes with my representative during a legislative session at the capitol. isn't she there *for* me? clearly not.

this is an election year. this year she has some competition. before the primary there was actually more than one candidate willing to run against her or in her place. competition is good.

part of me hopes that Stephanie Richard wins, but part of me does not. i don't believe a democrat is what is best for Los Alamos County. i don't believe a democrat is what is best for this bill that i have poured my soul into. i know it is more difficult for democrats to support it. i also know that Richard has two masters when it comes to education, and that worries me for a whole other reason.

some will say Wallace is the better choice because she has seniority and lots of influence and many friends. but if she never uses them for those she represents, then what good are they? Richard will be a freshman; she will have no friends, no influence with anyone. but maybe that will make her more eager and more willing and more representative.

i truly believe Wallace needs to be gone, but i don't know that Richard is the right person to replace her. (though i'd love to have an actual conversation with Ms. Richard.)

Thankfully #2

in my current mood, it might be hard to come up with many this time around.

i'm thankful for . . .

* SCHOOL! thank heavens it has started again. nate is mostly happier (though very tired already). i think he needs routine and structure at this age, and this summer we were just not in one. i think he needs the mental challenges, too. he's already had homework and a spelling list for the week. i'm excited. he is, too. he got the teacher he wanted to get, and who turns out to be a very cool teacher. they had tadpoles in a cup on their desks the very first day of school. though his teacher, who has been teaching 6th grade for quite a few years, needs a refresher course in the literal world of 1st graders.

mostly that's it this week. i'm sure there are a thousand little things, but i have unfortunately missed most of them. right now, i'm tired and frustrated (see the next post).

Thankfully

i think i'm going to start a running post about the little things in life that i am thankful for. i don't know how long it will last. i'd like to get to it at least once a week, but i can't say that it will get to it the same day every week. i'd like to do it on monday; we'll see. since it is already tuesday, i've already blown that first one! but it isn't about the day of the week or how many weeks in a row i can manage to do it or even how many things each week i can find to be thankful for. it is about sitting down and finding the things in my life that i should be and am thankful for. to consciously take notice of the small bits. there are plenty of moments in my day that make me want to pull my hair out in fistfuls. so this is a conscious decision to either take note of the little things while they are happening or at least to sit down once a week and remember them.

i am thankful for . . .

* nate's good teeth. he's getting better about brushing his teeth. he's getting better *at* brushing his teeth. most of the time they are still stained. but he has not one single cavity. he is starting to lose his deciduous or primary or baby teeth (your choice of terminology there). he is also getting his first set of permanent teeth (the ones not actually replacing others)--his 6-year molars are coming in. his baby teeth look tiny in his mouth. i remember when they looked so BIG in there.

* willow's independent spirit. she does so much on her own at this age. today i looked for her shoes so we could leave the house again. she had put them together with the day's socks tucked right inside.

* my super smart kids. willow is such a little sponge. i hate to admit it, but i think it is ridiculously cute when she mimics the things we say. "shubup cat." nate is getting ready to start first grade. i think he's a little bit freaked out but mostly just excited. today we talked about evolution!

* trashy romance novels. well, maybe they aren't quite so trashy. but they are quick and fun to read, and they take me to places i could not possibly get to any other way.

* friends who can drop everything to support another friend who is having a bad week.

* baby/kid clothes. they have protected my kids and kept them warm. in return i have taken good care of them. now they are either going to friends who will use them or being sold to someone else who will use them. it is liberating and sad at the same time. hooray for the space freed up again, but letting go of the tiny little items that my babies wore is hard. i tried with nate to get pictures of him in the things i thought were so cute, i have not been as good about that with willow. doesn't matter now, all of the things that my kids can no longer wear are leaving my space in october, if not sooner.

want to join me? what are you thankful for these days?

tender lessons

nate has always had a tender heart for those in need. sometimes a cat or dog--those ASPCA commercials have him in tears every time. sometimes a wild animal--he wants to give all of his money to the polar bears.

today while sitting in the parking lot at auto zone in santa fe we saw a homeless man sitting outside the store. we had just come from the über fabulous taco bell and happened to have some left over food. fresh and still warm and more than we needed. i stepped out of the car and asked if he was hungry. he said he was, so i offered him what was there at hand. he asked if i had any change for a cup of coffee. i gave him all the change i had on me at the time, which wasn't much. we talked about his last quarter which he used to buy a cigarette that day. i probably could have done more, but at least i didn't sit and do nothing.

nate watched with interest and then asked many questions. in the end, tears streaming down his face, he decided we should buy the man a car and build him a house out of logs. giving the man food and some change was simply not enough. so we talked about quite a few aspects of the situation.

first, that we can't afford to buy him a car or build him a house. ("but we can build it out of LOGS!" as if that wouldn't cost a single penny.)

second, that we have helped even if it was in a small way. a night's meal and a kind word help.

third, that sometimes people are homeless *by choice.* sometimes people cannot or do not wish to conform to the norms of our society.

fourth, that there are places and people who do more when the need is great. our favorite pet store *Pete's Pets* closed a while back. last winter we saw activity there again. nate was dying to go. certain he was that pete had opened his doors again. i suspected that pete had opened his doors to the homeless population. after a quick internet search, i confirmed my thoughts. i know there are several organizations that arrange and organize shelters in santa fe in the winter months. we aren't alone in our desire to help.

i wish we could help everyone who needs it and wants it. i wish we could buy them all cars and build them all houses. more, i wish this lesson were not so hard to learn. it hurts. it hurts him to not be able to do more and fix it all. it hurts me to not be able to do more. it hurts me to watch him learn that the world we live in is not always fair or kind or even-handed.

so i'm going to try to do more. the other night i finished knitting a hat. it took me only 3 days to make it. i thought, "how many can i make before it gets cold?" i'm going to find out. i'm going to enlist some friends who also knit. i'll probably donate them to a shelter, but i might keep a few to give to the people we encounter. i'm going to teach nate that we can help. one person, one meal, one hat at a time.

i hope nate keeps his tender heart. i hope it is not hardened too quickly by life or me or anyone else. more of us should have tender hearts for those who need help. i don't want to call it innocence and wish for him to outgrow it.

41 weeks + 7 years

it is hard to believe that after 7 years i still relive the last days of my baby boy with such vivid clarity. it doesn't hurt quite as much now, in some ways. but some things still hang around.

i wish more women would see the gifts of a pregnancy for what they are. those final days when they are *so ready* to be done with pregnancy and *just* have their baby--as if a pregnancy always means a healthy baby. those are the days i relive so clearly. not just the ones where i had a sneaking suspicion that everything was not ok, but the ones where he was anticipated with joy and excitement and such high hopes. i loved those days. i love them even more now. i recognize them as the gift they were. i did not wish them away then--he wasn't *allowed* to come before his due date because my parents couldn't get here before then. i would not wish them away now, even though now they are accompanied by the pain of loss and the longing of what will never be.

7 years has given me some healing, some extra coping abilities, some strength, and probably most importantly some perspective. thank you, my peanut, for all of those gifts and for choosing me. i love you, and i miss you every second, every minute, every day.

breathless

sitting there on the plane. late at night. jeff sleeping by the window. nate sleeping on the seat in between us. willow sleeping in my arms.

there he is again. my beautiful, quiet, missing boy. his face with little blond pigtails. sleeping so peacefully.

every time i see it, it leaves me breathless.

whoa, 6 months?

has it really been that long? i guess so. i have a ton of posts waiting to go up, waiting for pictures. i will endeavor to get them up in the next few weeks. and i will make a pointed effort to get up all the new stuff, too.

but for now, good night.

other crafting projects

1st birthday

birthday girl and brother

with mamaD and papaD

Happy 1st Birthday Willow!

happy birthday dinner

the prop makes it official, right?

SOCCER!

in the beginning, things were slow

thumbs up!

action shot

Nate (with a chance shot of Papa in the background)

cheering section