TOMORROW!!!!!!
that's all. i'm just a little bit excited about it. nate already has his show-and-tell picked out. i think my first order of business will be to vegetate! i can get stuff done on wednesday.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Chama to Cumbres
today was our now annual nate's-birthday-trip on the cumbres & toltec scenic railroad. we took the sunday express, and this sunday they featured mariachi music. this is also the first year we've been able to get anyone to go with us. (thank you ann, barry, and sara!) we had a great time.
it was a nice day. not too hot. a bit cool and breezy at the top, but not bad. i, of course, much prefer it be cool than hot.
i debated whether to go with the mariachi music or the bike race (which is next weekend). i'm so glad i went with the music. i'm not usually a big fan of mariachi music, but this band played beautifully. and since they thankfully only had one mariachi band for the whole train we weren't inundated with mariachi music. i think if we had had to listen to 4 hours of mariachi music, we all would have been mariachi'd out.
we are home now. nate is in bed. willow is sleeping in the bouncy. i'm going to bed soon, too. fun ride, but we're totally wiped out!
(hope to get some pictures posted of this trip soon.)
it was a nice day. not too hot. a bit cool and breezy at the top, but not bad. i, of course, much prefer it be cool than hot.
i debated whether to go with the mariachi music or the bike race (which is next weekend). i'm so glad i went with the music. i'm not usually a big fan of mariachi music, but this band played beautifully. and since they thankfully only had one mariachi band for the whole train we weren't inundated with mariachi music. i think if we had had to listen to 4 hours of mariachi music, we all would have been mariachi'd out.
we are home now. nate is in bed. willow is sleeping in the bouncy. i'm going to bed soon, too. fun ride, but we're totally wiped out!
(hope to get some pictures posted of this trip soon.)
Friday, August 8, 2008
things i never thought i would think #2
this is just one of the many reasons why i am still working on recovering from willow's birth.
i have delivered three children (which you probably know by now). none of my labors have been natural. none of them have been particularly short or quick. delivery with nate was pretty quick and easy, but from induction to delivery was still many hours.
of all of my labors, willow's was by far the most difficult. jesper's l&d was 36 hours, with 1.5 hours of pushing. willow's was 48 hours with 2.5 hours of pushing.
with jesper, i was completely terrified of having a c-section. i only had one dream when i was pg with him about being pg. it wasn't about having puppies or having a boy vs girl. it was at about 34 weeks. i dreamed that my baby died before being born. that when i went to the hospital to deliver, for some reason i couldn't deliver vaginally and had to have a c-section. that when i woke up in recovery i was told "something went wrong, and we had to take out everything." so you can imagine my fear at the suggestion of a c-section, especially after the first part of the dream had already come true. oh, yes, it was suggested (felt more like a threat at the time). "we'll try labor, but we expect this to be a c-section in the end." i still can't bring myself to recommend that doctor to anyone.
with nate, the spectre of a c-section was no where to be seen. thankfully.
with willow, i didn't think a c-section would be anywhere on the horizon either. but i will admit that after so many hours of hard labor and even more hours of pushing, it showed up again. but instead of it being the suggestion of my doctor, it came from my own head--of all places. i had been pushing for probably 2 hours already, still about 30 minutes from being done, and i thought, "i can't do this. something is wrong. i can't do this. get her out. i want a c-section. i can't do this anymore."
that's right, i thought it. in that moment i wanted a c-section. i had already had that moment of absolute terror when they couldn't find her heartbeat with the external montior. so i already had that fear of losing her hanging around. and i knew my labor was long, that pushing was taking too long and i was not making enough progress.
ultimately, i didn't have a c-section. i was able, finally, to push her out. and i'm happy about that. i am thankful and grateful for the support of my family and health care team (even though, in the moment, i was less than eager to listen). i think with a different team, in a different situation, without everyone pulling for me and having that confidence in me, i might have easily end up with a c-section. because i certainly didn't have the confidence in myself or my abilities at the moment.
i have delivered three children (which you probably know by now). none of my labors have been natural. none of them have been particularly short or quick. delivery with nate was pretty quick and easy, but from induction to delivery was still many hours.
of all of my labors, willow's was by far the most difficult. jesper's l&d was 36 hours, with 1.5 hours of pushing. willow's was 48 hours with 2.5 hours of pushing.
with jesper, i was completely terrified of having a c-section. i only had one dream when i was pg with him about being pg. it wasn't about having puppies or having a boy vs girl. it was at about 34 weeks. i dreamed that my baby died before being born. that when i went to the hospital to deliver, for some reason i couldn't deliver vaginally and had to have a c-section. that when i woke up in recovery i was told "something went wrong, and we had to take out everything." so you can imagine my fear at the suggestion of a c-section, especially after the first part of the dream had already come true. oh, yes, it was suggested (felt more like a threat at the time). "we'll try labor, but we expect this to be a c-section in the end." i still can't bring myself to recommend that doctor to anyone.
with nate, the spectre of a c-section was no where to be seen. thankfully.
with willow, i didn't think a c-section would be anywhere on the horizon either. but i will admit that after so many hours of hard labor and even more hours of pushing, it showed up again. but instead of it being the suggestion of my doctor, it came from my own head--of all places. i had been pushing for probably 2 hours already, still about 30 minutes from being done, and i thought, "i can't do this. something is wrong. i can't do this. get her out. i want a c-section. i can't do this anymore."
that's right, i thought it. in that moment i wanted a c-section. i had already had that moment of absolute terror when they couldn't find her heartbeat with the external montior. so i already had that fear of losing her hanging around. and i knew my labor was long, that pushing was taking too long and i was not making enough progress.
ultimately, i didn't have a c-section. i was able, finally, to push her out. and i'm happy about that. i am thankful and grateful for the support of my family and health care team (even though, in the moment, i was less than eager to listen). i think with a different team, in a different situation, without everyone pulling for me and having that confidence in me, i might have easily end up with a c-section. because i certainly didn't have the confidence in myself or my abilities at the moment.
medical ethics: part II
standard of care:
this phrase has been used by quite a few health care workers and others in reference to why my back-up doctor effectively fired me at 39 weeks pregnant for refusing to agree to take prophylactic antibiotics during labor and delivery. and cited as the reason why basically all the other doctors in santa fe would refuse to take me for the same decision.
i can understand "standard of care" . . . right up to the point where i am no longer allowed to take an active role in my own healthy care . . . right up to the point where i am no longer allowed to make my own **informed** decisions for myself or my children . . . right up to the point where it becomes a mandate for debatable or questionable treatment . . . right up to the point where it is used as a catch-all scapegoat phrase that saves doctors from having to actually talk to their patients in an intelligent way.
during pregnancy there are quite a few things which are considered "standard of care." for instance, 20 week ultrasounds, gestational diabetes testing, group b strep testing, AFP tests, amnio for women over 35, monthly then bi-weekly then weekly prenatal appointments, and the list goes on.
but here's the thing, it's ok to refuse ultrasounds. md's don't like it, but they can live with it if you choose not to have one. the same thing goes for amnios in women over 35 and AFP testing. some women have even been known to refuse gestational diabetes and GBS testing. though admittedly that is probably more commonly done by women who are under the care of midwives. and more easily accepted by midwives. and no one (midwives, md's and patients alike) blinks when one or the other party misses or skips or pushes back a prenatal appointment. no big deal.
so why is it such a crime to choose not to take prophylactic antibiotics during labor and delivery? why? if the "standard of care" functions as a *guideline* in all those other cases . . . if they are options, not mandates . . . then why is this issue different? why am i suddenly wrong for making an informed decision that doesn't mesh with theirs? why is that decision actionable where the others aren't? if doctors are going to fire patients for refusing their "standard of care" shouldn't that apply equally to all? aren't they all, according to the western medical model and the standard of care, equally valid and important tests and procedures?
"because we live in a free country," you say? yeah. exactly my point. don't i live there, too?
this phrase has been used by quite a few health care workers and others in reference to why my back-up doctor effectively fired me at 39 weeks pregnant for refusing to agree to take prophylactic antibiotics during labor and delivery. and cited as the reason why basically all the other doctors in santa fe would refuse to take me for the same decision.
i can understand "standard of care" . . . right up to the point where i am no longer allowed to take an active role in my own healthy care . . . right up to the point where i am no longer allowed to make my own **informed** decisions for myself or my children . . . right up to the point where it becomes a mandate for debatable or questionable treatment . . . right up to the point where it is used as a catch-all scapegoat phrase that saves doctors from having to actually talk to their patients in an intelligent way.
during pregnancy there are quite a few things which are considered "standard of care." for instance, 20 week ultrasounds, gestational diabetes testing, group b strep testing, AFP tests, amnio for women over 35, monthly then bi-weekly then weekly prenatal appointments, and the list goes on.
but here's the thing, it's ok to refuse ultrasounds. md's don't like it, but they can live with it if you choose not to have one. the same thing goes for amnios in women over 35 and AFP testing. some women have even been known to refuse gestational diabetes and GBS testing. though admittedly that is probably more commonly done by women who are under the care of midwives. and more easily accepted by midwives. and no one (midwives, md's and patients alike) blinks when one or the other party misses or skips or pushes back a prenatal appointment. no big deal.
so why is it such a crime to choose not to take prophylactic antibiotics during labor and delivery? why? if the "standard of care" functions as a *guideline* in all those other cases . . . if they are options, not mandates . . . then why is this issue different? why am i suddenly wrong for making an informed decision that doesn't mesh with theirs? why is that decision actionable where the others aren't? if doctors are going to fire patients for refusing their "standard of care" shouldn't that apply equally to all? aren't they all, according to the western medical model and the standard of care, equally valid and important tests and procedures?
"because we live in a free country," you say? yeah. exactly my point. don't i live there, too?
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
long meme
sorry this is so long. a friend posted it on myspace and i thought it looked like fun. so here goes:
SECTION 1
+ Known as: Halo
+ Born: September 11, 1972
+ Haircolor: brunette
+ Eyecolor: blue
SECTION 2 - HAVE YOU EVER...
+ Fallen off the bed? yes, top bunk actually. i had no memory of it in the morning, but there was a witness.
+ Broken someone else's heart? i hope not, but i think i might have come close.
SECTION 3- DO YOU...
+ Like to give hugs? usually
+ Like to walk in the rain? no, i don't like being fully clothed and wet. yick.
+ Prefer black or blue? blue
+ Sleep on your side, stomach or back? i'm a dedicated stomach sleeper unless i'm preggers and forced to sleep on my side.
+ Have a goldfish? no, but we have some zebra danios, some frankenstein fish, some live bearers, and some others, too.
+ Ever have the falling dream? not falling, but spinning. sucks just as bad.
+ Have stuffed animals? um, yeah.
SECTION 4 - THIS OR THAT... (i'm guessing these are preferences)
+ Pierced nose or tongue? nose
+ MTV or BET? MTV
+ 7th heaven or dawsons creek? 7th heaven
+ Chocolate or flowers? dark chocolate
+ Color or Black-and-white photos? usually color, but B&W for the right picture is awesome
+ Stay up late or sleep in? stay up late AND sleep in
+ Hot or cold? cold
+ Sun or moon? moon
+ Left or Right? left
+ 10 Acquaintances or one best friend? one best friend
+ Mustard or ketchup? ketchup
+ Spring or Fall? fall
+ Happy or sad? happy
+ Wonder or amazement? wonder
+ McDonald's or Burger King? carl's jr.
+ Mexican or Italian food? italian, do you know how much mexican food there is around here? BOOORING!
LASTS
Last car ride: lunch time today
Last good cry: last week
Last phone call: solicitor, does that even count?
Last time showered: this morning, and i brushed my teeth, but i didn't get to shave my legs
Last shoes worn: white chuck converse all stars
Last song played: something on someone's blog
Last item bought: lunch
Last annoyance: traffic
Last website visited: myspace and my blog
Last word/s you said: i'll be in soon.
Last song you sang: i don't remember, but trust me when i say you didn't want to hear it.
What's under your bed: storage bins, part of jeff's pontoon boat, and a huge colony of dust bunnies.
What time did you wake up today: which time? let's see . . . 2, 4, 6, and 7:30
Current mood: peachy keen
Current food: starbucks chocolate truffles and a bottle of water
Current hair: long and up
Current annoyance(s): temper tantrums, nate is really into these of late. grrrr.
X all that apply:
[x] I am shorter than 5'4
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily. (no, i BURN easily.)
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color. (i love my hair color. but i could do without the grays.)
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo. (no, but i want to get one.)
[ ] I have/I've had braces. (no, despite the fact that i sucked my thumb until i was 9.)
[x] I wear glasses/contacts.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. (in fact, there is likely some in my future, but not for a while yet.)
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have/had freckles. (goes with that whole burn thing.)
Family/Home Life
[ ] I've run away from home
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[ ] I want to have kids.
[xx] I've lost a child.
School/Work
[ ] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[x] I've stolen something from my job. (but only if pens or the like count as stealing.)
[ ] I've been fired. (no, but i was demoted and then quit.)
Embarrassment
[ ] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry. (no, but puff the magic dragon makes me cry every time.)
[x] I've peed from laughing. (hey, i've had three babies!)
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[ ] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my pants rip/drop in public.
Health
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[x] I've gotten stitches.
[x] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[ ] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.
Traveling
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day. (way more than that, actually, and many times.)
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[x] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.
Experiences
[ ] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[x] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator. (only out of spite.)
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've drunk a whole gallon of milk in one hour. (no, but i've drunk a gallon of milk in a couple of hours and certainly a day.)
[ ] I've crashed a car. (i don't think fender benders count here.)
[x] I've been skiing/ snowboarding. (only once and i hated it.)
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[x] I've seen the Northern Lights. (when we went to see Indiana Jones at the drive-in theater in Pullman. the northern lights were way cooler.)
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[ ] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten Sushi.
Honesty/Crime
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[ ] I've cheated on a test.
[x] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[ ] I've been arrested.
Death and Suicide
[ ] I'm afraid of dying.
[ ] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying.
[ ] I've attempted suicide. (no, but i've thought about it a fair amount.)
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.
Materialism
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own a real designer purse
[ ] I own an accessory other than a purse from a designer
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap. (hand-me-down and gifted baby clothes)
[x] I own something I got on e-bay.
Random
[ ] I can sing well. (i think i'm safe in saying no one would think i sing well.)
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up easily to others.
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs. (golden house rule, if the spider is going to run across the floor in front of me, he's also going to die.)
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly. (i've been known to swear like a sailor.)
[ ] I sing in the shower. (who has time to sing??)
[ ] I am a morning person. (hahahaha! not on your life.)
[x] I paid for my cell phone ring tone. (If You Leave . . . by OMD--think, Pretty in Pink. total 80's!)
[x] I'm a snob about grammar. (this is totally true about me! HAHAHA! i've even corrected this meme!)
[ ] I am a sports fanatic. (don't like sports. with maybe the exception of hockey.)
[ ] I twirl my hair. (not regularly)
[ ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day.
[x] I bake well. (and i have the body to show for it.)
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue. (that would be blue)
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school. (no, but i've considered wearing pj's nearly everywhere when i'm pregnant and nothing fits comfortably anymore.)
[ ] I like Martha Stewart. (i detest martha.)
[x] I laugh at my own jokes. (if i don't, who will?)
[x] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I am online 24/7 even with an away message.
[ ] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room. (a spider i'm ok with. a cock roach, no way. not sleeping. can't do it. yuck!)
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate. (white chocolate is NOT chocolate!)
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names. (only if *i* ask the person what their name is.)
[x] I'm good at remembering dates. (i used to be great at remembering phone numbers and voices, but i've lost that ability for lack of use and lack of brain cells after having kids.)
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] My answers are totally true.
SECTION 1
+ Known as: Halo
+ Born: September 11, 1972
+ Haircolor: brunette
+ Eyecolor: blue
SECTION 2 - HAVE YOU EVER...
+ Fallen off the bed? yes, top bunk actually. i had no memory of it in the morning, but there was a witness.
+ Broken someone else's heart? i hope not, but i think i might have come close.
SECTION 3- DO YOU...
+ Like to give hugs? usually
+ Like to walk in the rain? no, i don't like being fully clothed and wet. yick.
+ Prefer black or blue? blue
+ Sleep on your side, stomach or back? i'm a dedicated stomach sleeper unless i'm preggers and forced to sleep on my side.
+ Have a goldfish? no, but we have some zebra danios, some frankenstein fish, some live bearers, and some others, too.
+ Ever have the falling dream? not falling, but spinning. sucks just as bad.
+ Have stuffed animals? um, yeah.
SECTION 4 - THIS OR THAT... (i'm guessing these are preferences)
+ Pierced nose or tongue? nose
+ MTV or BET? MTV
+ 7th heaven or dawsons creek? 7th heaven
+ Chocolate or flowers? dark chocolate
+ Color or Black-and-white photos? usually color, but B&W for the right picture is awesome
+ Stay up late or sleep in? stay up late AND sleep in
+ Hot or cold? cold
+ Sun or moon? moon
+ Left or Right? left
+ 10 Acquaintances or one best friend? one best friend
+ Mustard or ketchup? ketchup
+ Spring or Fall? fall
+ Happy or sad? happy
+ Wonder or amazement? wonder
+ McDonald's or Burger King? carl's jr.
+ Mexican or Italian food? italian, do you know how much mexican food there is around here? BOOORING!
LASTS
Last car ride: lunch time today
Last good cry: last week
Last phone call: solicitor, does that even count?
Last time showered: this morning, and i brushed my teeth, but i didn't get to shave my legs
Last shoes worn: white chuck converse all stars
Last song played: something on someone's blog
Last item bought: lunch
Last annoyance: traffic
Last website visited: myspace and my blog
Last word/s you said: i'll be in soon.
Last song you sang: i don't remember, but trust me when i say you didn't want to hear it.
What's under your bed: storage bins, part of jeff's pontoon boat, and a huge colony of dust bunnies.
What time did you wake up today: which time? let's see . . . 2, 4, 6, and 7:30
Current mood: peachy keen
Current food: starbucks chocolate truffles and a bottle of water
Current hair: long and up
Current annoyance(s): temper tantrums, nate is really into these of late. grrrr.
X all that apply:
[x] I am shorter than 5'4
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily. (no, i BURN easily.)
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color. (i love my hair color. but i could do without the grays.)
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo. (no, but i want to get one.)
[ ] I have/I've had braces. (no, despite the fact that i sucked my thumb until i was 9.)
[x] I wear glasses/contacts.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. (in fact, there is likely some in my future, but not for a while yet.)
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have/had freckles. (goes with that whole burn thing.)
Family/Home Life
[ ] I've run away from home
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[ ] I want to have kids.
[xx] I've lost a child.
School/Work
[ ] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[x] I've stolen something from my job. (but only if pens or the like count as stealing.)
[ ] I've been fired. (no, but i was demoted and then quit.)
Embarrassment
[ ] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry. (no, but puff the magic dragon makes me cry every time.)
[x] I've peed from laughing. (hey, i've had three babies!)
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[ ] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my pants rip/drop in public.
Health
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[x] I've gotten stitches.
[x] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[ ] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.
Traveling
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day. (way more than that, actually, and many times.)
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[x] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.
Experiences
[ ] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[x] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator. (only out of spite.)
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've drunk a whole gallon of milk in one hour. (no, but i've drunk a gallon of milk in a couple of hours and certainly a day.)
[ ] I've crashed a car. (i don't think fender benders count here.)
[x] I've been skiing/ snowboarding. (only once and i hated it.)
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[x] I've seen the Northern Lights. (when we went to see Indiana Jones at the drive-in theater in Pullman. the northern lights were way cooler.)
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[ ] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten Sushi.
Honesty/Crime
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[ ] I've cheated on a test.
[x] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[ ] I've been arrested.
Death and Suicide
[ ] I'm afraid of dying.
[ ] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying.
[ ] I've attempted suicide. (no, but i've thought about it a fair amount.)
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.
Materialism
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own a real designer purse
[ ] I own an accessory other than a purse from a designer
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap. (hand-me-down and gifted baby clothes)
[x] I own something I got on e-bay.
Random
[ ] I can sing well. (i think i'm safe in saying no one would think i sing well.)
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up easily to others.
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs. (golden house rule, if the spider is going to run across the floor in front of me, he's also going to die.)
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly. (i've been known to swear like a sailor.)
[ ] I sing in the shower. (who has time to sing??)
[ ] I am a morning person. (hahahaha! not on your life.)
[x] I paid for my cell phone ring tone. (If You Leave . . . by OMD--think, Pretty in Pink. total 80's!)
[x] I'm a snob about grammar. (this is totally true about me! HAHAHA! i've even corrected this meme!)
[ ] I am a sports fanatic. (don't like sports. with maybe the exception of hockey.)
[ ] I twirl my hair. (not regularly)
[ ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day.
[x] I bake well. (and i have the body to show for it.)
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue. (that would be blue)
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school. (no, but i've considered wearing pj's nearly everywhere when i'm pregnant and nothing fits comfortably anymore.)
[ ] I like Martha Stewart. (i detest martha.)
[x] I laugh at my own jokes. (if i don't, who will?)
[x] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I am online 24/7 even with an away message.
[ ] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room. (a spider i'm ok with. a cock roach, no way. not sleeping. can't do it. yuck!)
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate. (white chocolate is NOT chocolate!)
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names. (only if *i* ask the person what their name is.)
[x] I'm good at remembering dates. (i used to be great at remembering phone numbers and voices, but i've lost that ability for lack of use and lack of brain cells after having kids.)
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] My answers are totally true.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
high on crack??
we are done. so done. beyond done. done. done. done. having babies, that is. done. no doubts about the doneness of our doneness. (hey if W can make up words, so can i!)
and yet . . .
i feel a certain sense of sadness at being done.
at never getting to feel another baby growing and rolling around in my belly. men don't get this. they can understand it in concept, but not in reality. there is something so absolutely precious and special and, frankly, indescribable about having a life growing inside your own body. the absolute wonder of it.
at never having the chance to give birth again. i have always felt a sense of power and accomplishment in giving birth. i felt it the most with jesper, but certainly some with nate and willow as well. *i* did that. because there was always some part of me that wondered if it was even possible.
at never having the chance to gaze into the face of my newborn again. new babies are amazing creatures. and looking into their faces and making that connection for the first time is truly awesome. to see and meet this person that you created and that you have shared such intimate space with for so many months. and to see the recognition in their eyes of who you are.
at never getting the chance to see my blob of a newborn change into a little person. and, yes, i know that willow is still in the middle of that whole process. and still has far to go.
at never getting a positive home pregnancy test again. the anticipation of a BFP is a double-edged sword. when you are trying and trying and wanting it so badly and getting BFNs for months on end, it is one of the worst feelings on earth. but that one test stick that says YES is instantly exciting and scary and pure happiness. i think if i were to test today, even knowing full well that it would be negative, i would still feel a certain sense of sadness at the negative. psychotic, i know.
at never getting to breast feed another child. i know! i'm barely past the hardest part of nursing with willow. i know! i have, hopefully, another two years or more (please!) of nursing willow. i love nursing my children. i would happily still be nursing nate. i would happily have tandem nursed my children. i love the physical and emotional connection that comes with nursing. it is the next best thing to being pregnant.
i think part of all of this is learning to cope with willow's birth. but also jesper's death and birth. and nate's birth.
i feel a certain sense of failure. not because willow isn't absolutely perfect, but because her labor and delivery weren't. in fact, to me, her delivery was as close to a disaster as i could get without actually having a c-section or losing my child. so i'm sad that i'll never have another chance to "get it right."
but it is also just sadness at the reality of saying goodbye to that part of my life. not that i'm not excited to be done with babies and TTC and being pregnant and diapers and sleeplessness. not that i'm not excited to get on with our lives. not that i'm not excited to be able to start getting rid of all the baby crap and get my house back! but there is still that sense of sadness. will it ever truly go away, or will it always be there, just a little bit?
and every pregnant woman i see or pregnancy that gets announced is, to a certain extent, another reminder of what i will never get to do again. not that i am not happy for anyone. and not that i **really** want to do it again. but there will always be a part of me that is a little teeny bit jealous.
the thing is, i know i'm not alone. i know that women feel these same things every day for different reasons and at different times in their lives.
and i know that my husband thinks i must be smoking some really good crack right about now. but i also know that there is no way he can truly understand, try as he might.
Jesper: April 2003 (41 weeks)
Nate: August 2004 (40 weeks)
Willow: May 2008 (40 weeks)
and yet . . .
i feel a certain sense of sadness at being done.
at never getting to feel another baby growing and rolling around in my belly. men don't get this. they can understand it in concept, but not in reality. there is something so absolutely precious and special and, frankly, indescribable about having a life growing inside your own body. the absolute wonder of it.
at never having the chance to give birth again. i have always felt a sense of power and accomplishment in giving birth. i felt it the most with jesper, but certainly some with nate and willow as well. *i* did that. because there was always some part of me that wondered if it was even possible.
at never having the chance to gaze into the face of my newborn again. new babies are amazing creatures. and looking into their faces and making that connection for the first time is truly awesome. to see and meet this person that you created and that you have shared such intimate space with for so many months. and to see the recognition in their eyes of who you are.
at never getting the chance to see my blob of a newborn change into a little person. and, yes, i know that willow is still in the middle of that whole process. and still has far to go.
at never getting a positive home pregnancy test again. the anticipation of a BFP is a double-edged sword. when you are trying and trying and wanting it so badly and getting BFNs for months on end, it is one of the worst feelings on earth. but that one test stick that says YES is instantly exciting and scary and pure happiness. i think if i were to test today, even knowing full well that it would be negative, i would still feel a certain sense of sadness at the negative. psychotic, i know.
at never getting to breast feed another child. i know! i'm barely past the hardest part of nursing with willow. i know! i have, hopefully, another two years or more (please!) of nursing willow. i love nursing my children. i would happily still be nursing nate. i would happily have tandem nursed my children. i love the physical and emotional connection that comes with nursing. it is the next best thing to being pregnant.
i think part of all of this is learning to cope with willow's birth. but also jesper's death and birth. and nate's birth.
i feel a certain sense of failure. not because willow isn't absolutely perfect, but because her labor and delivery weren't. in fact, to me, her delivery was as close to a disaster as i could get without actually having a c-section or losing my child. so i'm sad that i'll never have another chance to "get it right."
but it is also just sadness at the reality of saying goodbye to that part of my life. not that i'm not excited to be done with babies and TTC and being pregnant and diapers and sleeplessness. not that i'm not excited to get on with our lives. not that i'm not excited to be able to start getting rid of all the baby crap and get my house back! but there is still that sense of sadness. will it ever truly go away, or will it always be there, just a little bit?
and every pregnant woman i see or pregnancy that gets announced is, to a certain extent, another reminder of what i will never get to do again. not that i am not happy for anyone. and not that i **really** want to do it again. but there will always be a part of me that is a little teeny bit jealous.
the thing is, i know i'm not alone. i know that women feel these same things every day for different reasons and at different times in their lives.
and i know that my husband thinks i must be smoking some really good crack right about now. but i also know that there is no way he can truly understand, try as he might.
Jesper: April 2003 (41 weeks)
Nate: August 2004 (40 weeks)
Willow: May 2008 (40 weeks)
Sunday, August 3, 2008
pig latin
so it is official, nate is a reader.
unfortunately, with early reading comes the loss of a time-honored parenting trick. s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g o-u-t certain, sensitive words to avoid detection by the children. because i taught nate to sign, we couldn't use the signs for those words. and now that we can't spell them out anymore (not even backwards!), we have resorted to pig latin! we are going to run out of tricks pretty darn soon.
for instance, today jeff was trying to talk to me about his plan to take nate to the park with the pedal car that my parents got for him in may. he spelled out nearly the entire sentence, backwards. and what did nate say, "hey, car doesn't have a P in it." of course i busted up laughing because, well, i feel so totally screwed! apparently we need to use pig latin more than we have been.
of course, some things we haven't been able to spell out for some time. i-c-e c-r-e-a-m has been off the list forever. i guess because of the way i say it, even spelled out, he knew what it was. really if you think about it, it makes sense because listening to the way we say words is how they learn how to speak.
someone please tell me, what's next after pig latin?
unfortunately, with early reading comes the loss of a time-honored parenting trick. s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g o-u-t certain, sensitive words to avoid detection by the children. because i taught nate to sign, we couldn't use the signs for those words. and now that we can't spell them out anymore (not even backwards!), we have resorted to pig latin! we are going to run out of tricks pretty darn soon.
for instance, today jeff was trying to talk to me about his plan to take nate to the park with the pedal car that my parents got for him in may. he spelled out nearly the entire sentence, backwards. and what did nate say, "hey, car doesn't have a P in it." of course i busted up laughing because, well, i feel so totally screwed! apparently we need to use pig latin more than we have been.
of course, some things we haven't been able to spell out for some time. i-c-e c-r-e-a-m has been off the list forever. i guess because of the way i say it, even spelled out, he knew what it was. really if you think about it, it makes sense because listening to the way we say words is how they learn how to speak.
someone please tell me, what's next after pig latin?
Friday, August 1, 2008
just breathe
most of our trips in santa fe are not "off the beaten path" in the least. we mostly stick to the places that are found along the several main drags. recently however we went in search of, and found, the optometrist that we went to a few years ago when he was practicing in los alamos. he now practices in santa fe on luisa street--which is off the beaten path, yet the area was oddly familiar.
it wasn't until we got to the intersection of alta vista and luisa that it became very clear as to why it was familiar. that's where the funeral home is located. i've only been there once--to pick up jesper's ashes. i remember carrying his very simple urn out in a white bag. i remember the director of the funeral home being very nice. we did not have to pay for anything. he said, "you've already been through too much." these are memories that i carry with me. jeff doesn't even share the memory of carrying our son out in a bag; my mom was the one with me on that trip--i don't remember why and actually wish he had been with me. so i carry this one alone.
it still surprises me that more than 5 years later, something so seemingly simple can cause such a large shock to my system bringing tears with it. out of the blue.
i'm of two minds. if this building were on a route that i drive often, i might have gotten used to seeing it by now. on the other hand, if it were on a route that i drive often, it could hurt just as bad every single time. in which case, i probably would have found a way around it by now.
at any rate, it hurt. (took my breath away actually.) i'll have to see it a few more times this year and probably for years to come. so i guess i'll get to test the theory. but i'm not looking forward to it, and i may very well find an alternate route to the optometrist's office.
it wasn't until we got to the intersection of alta vista and luisa that it became very clear as to why it was familiar. that's where the funeral home is located. i've only been there once--to pick up jesper's ashes. i remember carrying his very simple urn out in a white bag. i remember the director of the funeral home being very nice. we did not have to pay for anything. he said, "you've already been through too much." these are memories that i carry with me. jeff doesn't even share the memory of carrying our son out in a bag; my mom was the one with me on that trip--i don't remember why and actually wish he had been with me. so i carry this one alone.
it still surprises me that more than 5 years later, something so seemingly simple can cause such a large shock to my system bringing tears with it. out of the blue.
i'm of two minds. if this building were on a route that i drive often, i might have gotten used to seeing it by now. on the other hand, if it were on a route that i drive often, it could hurt just as bad every single time. in which case, i probably would have found a way around it by now.
at any rate, it hurt. (took my breath away actually.) i'll have to see it a few more times this year and probably for years to come. so i guess i'll get to test the theory. but i'm not looking forward to it, and i may very well find an alternate route to the optometrist's office.
video
just in case you thought willow was only cute in still life, here is a video (if i can post it) of her talking to the animals above her changing table. mind you, the animals get more love than we do!
hmmm . . . it didn't work. guess i'll have to try some other way. keep watching . . .
for some reason blogger doesn't want to upload my video, so let's try this. here is the URL to the video in question (you will probably have to copy and paste it into your browser because blogger won't even post it as a link--grrrrr):
http://s153.photobucket.com/albums/s206/halogolden/?action=view¤t=126_2696.flv
incidentally, nate never did this. he wasn't happy on the changing table. and he never did this whole cooing/talking thing. of course he started actually talking at 16 months and has yet to shut up, so clearly it isn't a crucial part of actually learning how to talk. maybe if willow gets some of it out of her system now, she'll be a bit quieter than her brother in general. hey, i can hope! then again, she could start talking earlier with all of this practice. maybe she's already figured out that in order to get attention she's going to have to out-talk her brother. god help me.
hmmm . . . it didn't work. guess i'll have to try some other way. keep watching . . .
for some reason blogger doesn't want to upload my video, so let's try this. here is the URL to the video in question (you will probably have to copy and paste it into your browser because blogger won't even post it as a link--grrrrr):
http://s153.photobucket.com/albums/s206/halogolden/?action=view¤t=126_2696.flv
incidentally, nate never did this. he wasn't happy on the changing table. and he never did this whole cooing/talking thing. of course he started actually talking at 16 months and has yet to shut up, so clearly it isn't a crucial part of actually learning how to talk. maybe if willow gets some of it out of her system now, she'll be a bit quieter than her brother in general. hey, i can hope! then again, she could start talking earlier with all of this practice. maybe she's already figured out that in order to get attention she's going to have to out-talk her brother. god help me.
so true
From the outside
You cannot understand . . .
From the inside
You cannot explain.
we saw this painted on the tailgate of a little old green truck in santa fe. it was part of someone's Vietnam Veteran's Memorial. but the words ring true for those of us who have lost a child, too.
i know people try to understand or think they do, but i also know that there is no way they can possibly understand unless they have been there. honestly, i wish no one else had to understand, but my wish doesn't count. so every day more and more parents discover the truth of those words. by losing a part of their family, they join a different kind of family.
You cannot understand . . .
From the inside
You cannot explain.
we saw this painted on the tailgate of a little old green truck in santa fe. it was part of someone's Vietnam Veteran's Memorial. but the words ring true for those of us who have lost a child, too.
i know people try to understand or think they do, but i also know that there is no way they can possibly understand unless they have been there. honestly, i wish no one else had to understand, but my wish doesn't count. so every day more and more parents discover the truth of those words. by losing a part of their family, they join a different kind of family.
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